Sunday, May 20, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #336






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"So in conclusion I'd like to say, I'm out now, Linda. Deal with it, bitch."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Far from being a bitch, Linda is the victim of a vindictive self loathing little prick. He hid his crossdressing from her until they divorced for reasons unrelated to his sexuality. What doomed their marriage was the petty jealousy of a chronic underachiever. She ran the department and he was a low  level manager. He used a sales meeting to drop this little bomb. This falls in the category of  "NOW he Tells Me!" Linda fired him the next day. That's my take on this AND further evidence of how much thought I put into this shit. Nice work Steve_O.)

SECOND PLACE

"And this is me when I was overweight, indiscreet and transexual."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hate to get all technical but "transsexual" usually refers to a guy who has had the snip and tuck operation [or lopitoffofmy as the doctors call it]. This guy is more of a crossdresser--he'd need hair and make up to be a transvestite. Why he is showing these people this photo is the real question.  Also, notice how I'm the one with the correct spelling.)

THIRD PLACE
After a 15-year stint, Ted (last name withheld) toured high schools and juvenile detention centers with an array of prison photos, hoping to convince youngsters to steer clear of a life of crime.--Scarred Straight (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me get the straight, Straight. He shows photos of himself lounging in lingerie as as means of discouraging  crime? Are you saying "do something bad and we'll put you in panties and bra?" This can backfire if the kid has, you know, certain needs. )

HONORABLES MENTIONS
Since I brought the wrong thumb drive, my lecture will be "What I did on my vacation".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The NY Post headline may say "Sleazy Slideshow: X-Dressing Perv Flashs Sick-O PiXXX," but the NYer's Cap Contest will harbor no cap that judges this guy's choice of undergarment.  His only foible is bad luck. He is only annoyed because it was supposed to be a slide on economic trends. That's why this cap could win the real contest. His willingness to discuss it suggests it was no accident and he doesn't care who knows it.)

".....while in San Francisco, the original intent of casual Fridays had taken a turn for the worse."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A bit more heavy handed but lets face it even the most progressive gay-friend people don't want to work along side a middle aged guy in bra, panties and fishnets.)

At the Future Porn Stars of America seminar, Ted D. Rosenfeld aka "Long John Silverman" or, simply, "Tootsie", demonstrated to flesh-trade hopefuls how lighting, costuming, and proper coaching helped make "Torah, Torah, Torah!" into a classic.--It's Okay, I'm Jewish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is deeply flawed but the name dropping gives it an edge while the ethnic slant has merit. Even so: The preferred industry term is "Adult Entertainment" not "Porn."  The biggest problem is this is not an image anyone would use to promote anything--a real jew would know that.)


"This is my night gig. Come see me this weekend at the Perry Combover Follies."--NJ-to-TX  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Once again a pun too good to ignore weasels into the winner circle.)

"And this is our emperor, Ted."--jimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I too conjured the image of some mythical kingdom where an unprincipled narcissistic crossdresser named TED seized control and is now showcasing the new flag. I also immediately thought of Karl Rowe for some reason.)

"I love to use this final slide to demonstrate the ability of our imaging software to operate on systems as old as the 1989 Macintosh. Please note that I have done a damn good job of maintaining my overall shape and hairline."--Suzanna L.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A little confusing but the intent is clear and there is a certain highbrow quality to this.  The guy could also be like stand-up comic/crossdresser Eddie Izzard. He dresses and he don't care who knows it. Maybe he goes by the name Suzanna.)

"TED, what an asshole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  TED is all full of himself. We get it.)
Fishnetties, you crazy bastards! How are you?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Jim throws classics  to the wind in the hope that a sudden gust will send his words aloft to the comic heavens. What I guess I'm trying to say, J.C., is that your entries blow.)
The hooters here are obscenely small.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)
"The hose here are obscene."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although much better than Jim's that is low standard. Does anyone really call them hose?)

"I brought a couple of... oh crap, this is supposed to be the midgets slide."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Midgets in lingerie would have been more Anti-Cap worthy. )

I brought a couple of fishnets. Do you mind?--
JohnnyB 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We don't mind Johnny. Why don't you slip a pair on?)



"The first time I dressed like this for JohnnyB all he could manage to say was "wheeeeeee"."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  At least you got that. When I did it, he said "Ick!" Then I reminded him it was his idea. Long story short: we're cool now. )

"I'm beggin' you, please! No standing ovation!"--Kathy H LINK TO NYT STORY (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This linked to a story in the NY Times that discussed the epidemic of standing ovations for even the lamest plays. As I read it I remember going to a horrable play that went on forever. When it was finally over I could not wait to stand-up because it made it easier to walk away. No one mentioned that in the story.)


"...and lastly, TED is Esperanto for men in lingerie."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why no link Kathy? Surely you know where such images can be seen. )

"I think this is a good time to point out that the 88th running of the Wood Memorial was not an arbitrary number, but, in fact, was, last month, the 88th running of the Wood Memorial. But, I digress..."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So the guy is giving a presentation and a photo of him in women's lingerie flashes on the screen and he wants to nit pick about the previous week's comment. How exactly is that a "good time" to do this? A cap from boneguy about his FAO Schwartz cap had a similar gripe. Even exact numbers have arbitrary consequences. Precision is the enemy of passion. That's what I say.)

And with this shot I venture into sensitive terrine.--Paul Arnold (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One in an occasional series of  cheap shots aimed at shaming me into spelling every word exactly as it should be spelled. [Notice how I didn't say "spelt."] Type-os and misspelling keep it real. Jay Z will tell you that.)
"And I call this one 'alinla' because I can't spell at all, especially hard words like 'lingerie'."--Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You're the one who used "hard" and "lingerie" in the same sentence.)

"Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"--Ish Kabibble (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My people will be in touch. )



at

99 comments:

  1. boneguyMay 20, 2012 at 10:54 PM

    ".....while in San Francisco, the original intent of casual Fridays had taken a turn for the worse."

    ReplyDelete
  2. smuckMay 20, 2012 at 11:20 PM

    Ted: Oh dears worth spreading.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 20, 2012 at 11:40 PM

    "That's male fraud!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 21, 2012 at 5:08 AM

    "Here's the kicker...that's actually me."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Paul ArnoldMay 21, 2012 at 6:16 AM

    And with this shot I venture into sensitive terrine.

    ReplyDelete
  6. GrandmaMay 21, 2012 at 6:24 AM

    "And I call this one 'alinla' because I can't spell at all, especially hard words like 'lingerie'."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tim HMay 21, 2012 at 6:41 AM

    "The irony here is that the only thing I won't wear is a teddy."

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kathy HMay 21, 2012 at 6:42 AM

    "This will not be on the test."

    ReplyDelete
  9. boneguyMay 21, 2012 at 7:29 AM

    Since I brought the wrong thumb drive, my lecture will be "What I did on my vacation".

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hot CarlMay 21, 2012 at 8:09 AM

    "Does this slide make me look fat?"

    ReplyDelete
  11. Evil MarkMay 21, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    The Dissemination of Adam

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymouseMay 21, 2012 at 9:17 AM

    "The hose here are obscene."

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kathy HMay 21, 2012 at 9:20 AM

    "...and lastly, TED is Esperanto for men in lingerie."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tim HMay 21, 2012 at 9:49 AM

    "J'accuse!"

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymouseMay 21, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    "I feel pretty.
    Oh, so pretty.
    I feel pretty and
    witty and bright!
    And I pity any girl
    who isn't me tonight."

    ReplyDelete
  16. jimMMay 21, 2012 at 10:42 AM

    "And this is our emperor, Ted."

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousMay 21, 2012 at 11:03 AM

    Oops!

    Jim Cavanaugh

    ReplyDelete
  18. LRMay 21, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    "And this is me when I was overweight, indiscreet and transexual."

    ReplyDelete
  19. Kathy HMay 21, 2012 at 11:58 AM

    "I'm beggin' you, please! No standing ovation!"

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousMay 21, 2012 at 12:26 PM

    "One could also use those two useless little balls to play croquet atop my head."

    ReplyDelete
  21. NJ-to-TXMay 21, 2012 at 12:38 PM

    "This is my night gig. Come see me this weekend at the Perry Combover Follies."

    ReplyDelete
  22. AnonymouseMay 21, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    "I'm sexy and I know it."

    ReplyDelete
  23. boneguyMay 21, 2012 at 2:25 PM

    Come to think of it, we all could use a little "manscaping".

    ReplyDelete
  24. boneguyMay 21, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    Every time I show up to my doctor's like this, he forgets to check my prostate.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousMay 21, 2012 at 4:38 PM

    "And my centerfold for 'Play matron'!"

    ReplyDelete
  26. boneguyMay 21, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    "As you get older, you want to create a legacy your kids will be proud of."

    ReplyDelete
  27. Suzanna L.May 21, 2012 at 6:34 PM

    "I love to use this final slide to demonstrate the ability of our imaging software to operate on systems as old as the 1989 Macintosh. Please note that I have done a damn good job of maintaining my overall shape and hairline."

    ReplyDelete
  28. Dr SumguyMay 21, 2012 at 10:06 PM

    "And from this angle, I can see the 'Tampax' string where it shouldn't be!"

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dr SumguyMay 21, 2012 at 10:19 PM

    "And this is my Barry Manilow look, listening to 'Can't Smile Without You'!"

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dr SumguyMay 21, 2012 at 10:42 PM

    "Note how the accoutrements are even more striking, without the use of jewelry!"

    ReplyDelete
  31. smuckMay 21, 2012 at 10:54 PM

    "I brought a couple of... oh crap, this is supposed to be the midgets slide."

    ReplyDelete
  32. boneguyMay 21, 2012 at 11:06 PM

    Here's the cool part. I'm wearing this shit right now.

    ReplyDelete
  33. UtellmeMay 22, 2012 at 1:24 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  34. It's Okay, I'm JewishMay 22, 2012 at 1:38 AM

    At the Future Porn Stars of America seminar, Ted D. Rosenfeld aka "Long John Silverman" or, simply, "Tootsie", demonstrated to flesh-trade hopefuls how lighting, costuming, and proper coaching helped make "Torah, Torah, Torah!" into a classic.

    ReplyDelete
  35. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 2:05 AM

    At the Playgirl Centerfolds of the 70s reunion, Ted E. Bare gave a slideshow presentation demonstrating how he still had 'it', but 'it' was finally coming out of the closet.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Steve_OMay 22, 2012 at 7:13 AM

    "And, of course, a big thanks to the J. Edgar Hoover Institute for underwriting my research."

    ReplyDelete
  37. Kathy HMay 22, 2012 at 9:41 AM

    "I think this is a good time to point out that the 88th running of the Wood Memorial was not an arbitrary number, but, in fact, was, last month, the 88th running of the Wood Memorial. But, I digress..."

    ReplyDelete
  38. boneguyMay 22, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    I think this is a good time to point out that FAO Schwartz is indeed 150 years old and that this was not an arbitrary number...however they do not have a horse race, even a toy one.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Dr. SumguyMay 22, 2012 at 10:45 AM

    I know they're edible, but has anyone been there ahead of me?

    ReplyDelete
  40. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 1:09 PM

    "Something else often left out of my curriculum vitae . . . I used to be the stand-in for Joe Namath."


    ---blw

    ReplyDelete
  41. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 1:17 PM

    "Sure, Frederick's of Burbank has a long way to go, but I am confident that this particular line will push us right up there with the big boys."


    ---left coast wayne

    ReplyDelete
  42. AnonymouseMay 22, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    "I truly believe I would still be at large if it hadn't had been for this spot-on police sketch."

    ReplyDelete
  43. boneguyMay 22, 2012 at 5:13 PM

    In conclusion, my 3 month all milkshake diet can put anyone within striking distance of becoming a credible titty fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  44. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 6:07 PM

    "...and here we see me going all Marv Albert on the Tonight Show..."

    ReplyDelete
  45. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 8:33 PM

    "The first time I dressed like this for JohnnyB all he could manage to say was "wheeeeeee"."

    ReplyDelete
  46. Greenie Stik-M-CapsMay 22, 2012 at 9:08 PM

    "Next up, Suze Orman will explain the TED spread."

    ReplyDelete
  47. AnonymousMay 22, 2012 at 9:31 PM

    "I miss my Jockeys."

    ReplyDelete
  48. Slideshow Bob (er, Ted)May 22, 2012 at 10:41 PM

    I think this is a good time to point out that 150 centimeters of wood is not an arbitrary number and can be contained in women's lace panties without bursting the seams or 'peeking'. In fact, lace panties are quite efficient at keeping the nuts cool and, thereby, preventing sterility.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Air SteinMay 22, 2012 at 11:03 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  50. AnonymousMay 23, 2012 at 12:06 AM

    In addition to discussing video surveillance tape replacement, Scratch-Off deciphering, and hot dog cookery, Abhijeet "Ted" Utpal went over the Yoga Sutras at the 7-11 new employees orientation. Such practices (and a well-fitting bra) helped him cope with a minimum wage income and the routine risk of death at the hands of gun-wielding gang members high on PCP, and helped him forget having earned a Ph.D before emigrating to the land of milk and honey, which, could be found with a past due expiration date in the refrigerator section, and on aisle four, respectively.

    ReplyDelete
  51. SatireguyMay 23, 2012 at 8:29 AM

    "That's me in the spotlight losing my religion."

    ReplyDelete
  52. Dr SumguyMay 23, 2012 at 9:08 AM

    "And, 'Tiny's Erect Dickette', can be seen shadow boxing every half hour on the hour!"

    ReplyDelete
  53. Kathy HMay 23, 2012 at 9:18 AM

    "I want That Girl !"

    ReplyDelete
  54. Tim HMay 23, 2012 at 12:28 PM

    "...and, ladies and gentlemen, I contend that if this is the only skeleton in my closet, then I would make a perfect running mate for Mitt Romney."

    ReplyDelete
  55. AnonymouseMay 23, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    "It all started when Nan Talese said to me, 'My husband is Gay.'"

    ReplyDelete
  56. The [5 o'clock] Shadow Knows!May 23, 2012 at 6:09 PM

    Try as she may, Sharon could not convince the board members at Trixie's Escort and Dating Service that she too deserved to have her photo featured in phonebook and internet ads despite her hormone problem.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Scarred StraightMay 23, 2012 at 6:32 PM

    After a 15-year stint, Ted (last name withheld) toured high schools and juvenile detention centers with an array of prison photos, hoping to convince youngsters to steer clear of a life of crime.

    ReplyDelete
  58. UtellmeMay 23, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    On [How Not to Manage Your] Career Day, Oscar De La Hoya, by then known simply as "Ted", explained to the graduating class of 2024 that he was once told by a trusted female acquaintance that being photographed in women's underclothes would prevent hair loss.

    ReplyDelete
  59. boneguyMay 24, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    Kids, it started with a small teardrop tattoo and quickly got out of control.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Kathy HMay 24, 2012 at 9:56 AM

    "So, tell me. Does that Van Dyke beard make me look gay?"

    ReplyDelete
  61. boneguyMay 24, 2012 at 11:12 AM

    And now, the identity of Ted Mosby's future spouse is finally revealed from "How I Met Your Mother."

    ReplyDelete
  62. Fitness Guru EzraMay 24, 2012 at 1:09 PM

    "...and this one is an amazing stretch for loosening up the lumbar region and glutes."

    ReplyDelete
  63. AnonymousMay 24, 2012 at 2:50 PM

    "Hence, the TED motto . . . 'Ideas Worth Spreading'."


    ---left coast wayne

    ReplyDelete
  64. AnonymousMay 24, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    “Welcome. TED is our name . . . Technologically Enhanced Depravity is our game. Care to play?”


    ---blw

    ReplyDelete
  65. Tim HMay 24, 2012 at 3:08 PM

    "I went through 433 photos and this is the best one."

    ReplyDelete
  66. Dr SumguyMay 24, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    "Pull my finger and watch meFart!"

    ReplyDelete
  67. boneguyMay 25, 2012 at 7:58 AM

    "'Exhibit A': Separation of twin sets at birth may result in slight behavioral divergence."

    ReplyDelete
  68. JohnnyBMay 25, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    "Ted"

    ReplyDelete
  69. JohnnyBMay 25, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

    ReplyDelete
  70. NJ-to-TXMay 25, 2012 at 3:30 PM

    "Who did that?! That's supposed to be a video of 'Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies!'"

    ReplyDelete
  71. Dr SumguyMay 25, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    "And from this angle, I have a clear view of the 'Codfather'!"

    ReplyDelete
  72. REXMay 25, 2012 at 5:33 PM

    "Now, I ask you: Are the Democrats STILL going to say I am out of touch with women?"

    ReplyDelete
  73. AnonymissMay 25, 2012 at 7:39 PM

    The students at St. Mark's Episcopal now understood what Principal Maxwell meant by "Going co-ed would ruin everything".

    ReplyDelete
  74. Baby You Can Wear My BraMay 25, 2012 at 7:42 PM

    "Sorry I'm not facing the camera in this one. My wife walked in and busted me. Needless to say, she's pretty flat-chested."

    ReplyDelete
  75. Quit Stocking MeMay 25, 2012 at 7:49 PM

    The dean at Grant Memorial Middle School regretted letting Chris Cross the cross-dressing crossing guard lecture his students on pedestrian safety, especially when he got to the segment on going, uh, that is to say, looking both ways before crossing the street.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Don't Ask, Don't YellMay 25, 2012 at 7:52 PM

    "Wait, everybody! This is the part where my friend, Rufus, does me with a bat."

    ReplyDelete
  77. Talk to the HandMay 25, 2012 at 7:56 PM

    "Due to the economic downturn, I've decided to marry myself. This way, I don't have to worry about incessant chatter about nothing and save about half on movies and expensive restaurants."

    ReplyDelete
  78. NAMBYMay 26, 2012 at 3:26 AM

    "The concept behind TED is simple: Comfortable, affordable lingerie for men that is sexy, sensible and maybe even a bit naughty...Questions?"

    ReplyDelete
  79. Quit Stocking MeMay 26, 2012 at 2:01 PM

    The dean at Grant Memorial Middle school regretted letting Chris Cross the cross-dressing crossing guard lecture his students on pedestrian safety, especially when he got to the segment on going both ways, uh, that is to say, looking both ways before crossing the street.

    ReplyDelete
  80. AnonymousMay 26, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    GUY IN FRONT ROW: I see a hole under there.

    TED: Under where?

    GUY IN FRONT ROW: Ha ha! I made you say underwear!

    ReplyDelete
  81. REXMay 26, 2012 at 4:00 PM

    It was during the morning assembly that Mr Silverstein realized the down-side risk of failing a member of the AV crew.

    ReplyDelete
  82. AnonymouseMay 26, 2012 at 4:46 PM

    "Yes. You are correct. There is a run in my fishnets."

    ReplyDelete
  83. DexMay 26, 2012 at 9:11 PM

    "Sorry for the PowerPoint®"

    ReplyDelete
  84. DexMay 27, 2012 at 11:34 AM

    "...and that's where one of Bill Gates' mosquitoes bit me!"

    ReplyDelete
  85. David MacharelliMay 27, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    "For the final piece of evidence to support my theory that all couples eventually look alike... my wife, Ted."

    ReplyDelete
  86. JohnnyBMay 27, 2012 at 3:36 PM

    I brought a couple of fishnets. Do you mind?

    ReplyDelete
  87. Richard HMay 27, 2012 at 5:01 PM

    "If you look closely you can see the mosquito bites I got during that mofo Bill Gates's speech"

    ReplyDelete
  88. Richard HMay 27, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    "According to The Huffington Post, in this shot I'm showing too much sideboob"

    ReplyDelete
  89. AnonymousMay 27, 2012 at 6:11 PM

    "The inspiration for this outfit was Ted Nugent."

    Jim Cavanaugh

    ReplyDelete
  90. AnonymousMay 27, 2012 at 6:13 PM

    The hooters here are obscenely small.

    Jim Cavanaugh

    ReplyDelete
  91. Ish KabibbleMay 27, 2012 at 7:51 PM

    "Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"

    ReplyDelete
  92. AnonymousMay 28, 2012 at 4:32 AM

    "Ted 101."

    ReplyDelete
  93. AnonymousMay 29, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    One oh! tutu.

    ReplyDelete
  94. JohnnyBMay 31, 2012 at 5:56 PM

    Here I aam wearing an abbreviated Teddy

    ReplyDelete
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