Monday, November 17, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #452






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Your husband certainly is well hung."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works on a few levels. It would take a high level of skill to successful hang the guy like that. But the subtext here, of course, is that if he has a big dick what does she have to complain about—marriage-problem-wise? )
SECOND PLACE
"Oh nothing...I was just looking at the door knobs..knob."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only because there are no door knockers to oodle, we presume. This is one of those so-bad-it's-good caps we're all grown so found of .)
THIRD PLACE
Someone is attempting to communicate with you through a tesseract, a five dimensional hyper-cube built inside a black hole designed to save the human race. That would explain the local gravitational anomalies, at least.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The woman's likely response: “This is some bull shit. I ain't payin' for this.” You gotta like the effort here, even if the science is a bit pedestrian.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"He said he thought the name of the group was just Occupy Wall. He didn't hear the Street part."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Really? Okay, Tim you asked for it: This is something Bil Keane would think up. If that hurts, it's for your own good.)
"Until you two can get on the same plane I think further sessions are pointless."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure it's solid pun-wise, but a tad dry and a little to close to being suitable for the real contest. Also, people who charge people by the hour seldom admit it is pointless.)
All in all, he's just another dick on the wall.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well said, JB. You really don't need no education. )
"So you're saying Tim just hangs out, is well hung, can't deal with you face to face, and doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, even though you continually drive him up the fucking wall. Is that about it, Kathy?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With that, Kathy whips out her ipod and offers a link)
I may need to quit contributing to this contest over the 2nd place given to the "good old fashioned Jew joke." 

It would be fine if it were good and old fashioned, but it persists on every crevice of the Internet. It's not a joke when it is a widespread belief that constantly rears its ugly head. As a Jew who gets punched in the gut regularly by this concept, sometimes disguised as humor and other times as blatant belief and "truth," I am disappointed. I suppose if we go back to the roots of this contest as "worst, most offensive" caption, this qualifies, but we haven't been there in some time.--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No worries. Our enduring commitment to content that is the “worst, most offensive” is unassailable. Your grasp of irony...not so much.)

"I don't think you understand his perspective."Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Story of my life.)

56 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"It all started with the wedding music ... 'Highway to Hell'!"

boneguy said...

Like I said, the only thing he says is "Let's hang."

Anonymous said...

"But what are the long term benefits of nailing his ass too the wall?"

boneguy said...

So you think the basic problem is his lack of sticktoitiveness?

REX said...

"Walter says you knew he rejected the laws of gravity before you agreed to marry him...Is that true, Sara?"

Anonymous said...

"It helps, once in awhile, to give your spouse the floor."

boneguy said...

Back then I thought, "What's the harm marrying into the Escher family?"

Satireguy said...

"I don't think we can say quite yet that he's off the wall."

Satireguy said...

"Well I assume at least the sex is great."

Anonymous said...

"Oh nothing...I was just looking at the door knobs..knob."

Dex said...

Dramatization. Do not attempt.

Jess said...

"But surely you recognize that strap-on play has a downside risk…no?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't worry, when your husband comes in, we'll be using the other room."

NJ-to-TX said...

"The wife bagged that one, actually. Bitch of a time finding a taxidermist who could handle it."

Shelly said...

"I hoped you would both be willing to try new positions."

"How often does he get high like this?"

"When do you think he will go down? On you I mean."

Kathy H said...

"Well, he told me that you drive him up the wall."

Tim H said...

"I don't believe either of you understands the gravity of the situation."

Anonymous said...

Your distain for your husband manifests itself as a physical force-field that prevents him from getting close to you.

SalmonOfDoubt said...

Have you considered that we might be the ones on the wall?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Has he always looked down on you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So what happened, after you said let's flip the house?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"According to the prenup, he changed his position on the oral sex agreement!"

Anonymouse said...

"What man on the wall? Listen lady, I'm a marriage counselor, not a mirage counselor. Capische?"

pg13 said...

"And you say the TV screen faces the ceiling?"

Anonymous said...

"Once you're single, come back and blow me."

NJ-to-TX said...

"And how does it make you feel when you think that he's peeking down women's blouses?"

Anonymous said...

Someone is attempting to communicate with you through a tesseract, a five dimensional hyper-cube built inside a black hole designed to save the human race. That would explain the local gravitational anomalies, at least.

Anonymous said...

Arachnophobial differences and webby jizz are not grounds for divorce, Mrs. Parker.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Your husband certainly is well hung."

NJ-to-TX said...

"But he is right. You are being obtuse, and not at all acute."

Kathy H said...

"You should have known what you were getting into when you married WALL·E there."

boneguy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
boneguy said...

Mrs. Nolan, when you ask Christopher what is going on, does he say anything other than "just thinking"?

Anonymous said...

"Okay, so your husband's name is Russ. Do you mind then if I refer to him as Russell?"

Anonymous said...


"Your husband, Art, is on loan from MoMA, is that correct Mrs. Gallery?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!"

Anonymous said...

"Mrs. Johnson, if I may. Husbands aren't perfect. Why just the other night my wife forgot to do the dishes so I clocked her really good."

Anonymous said...


"You and your son Wally need to get divorced right away, Mrs. Cleaver -- beaver or no beaver."

Tim H said...

"He said he thought the name of the group was just Occupy Wall. He didn't hear the Street part."

Anonymous said...

"Until you two can get on the same plane I think further sessions are pointless."

Tim H said...

"His exact words were, 'You used to laugh about everybody that was hangin' out.'"

Anonymous said...

"So you're saying Tim just hangs out, is well hung, can't deal with you face to face, and doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, even though you continually drive him up the fucking wall. Is that about it, Kathy?"

Occupied said...

"At least he never leaves his toilet seat up."

Anonymous said...

"The superpowers here are extreme."

Toren age 6 said...

Looks like he nailed it.

Anonymous said...

"He's not inclined to reconcile."

Jim Cavanaugh

pg13 said...

"The solution is to include a straw when you bring him his beer."

gfwrite said...

You still appear to be closed off, Dolores, even though Fredrick has explained it's not a knock on you. He's simply doing what he's been instructed to do on labels sooo many times -'Keep away from children.'"

Anonymous said...

"Has your husband ever had a straight flush?"

gfwrite said...

"Dolores, can you not accept that it's not a knock on you, it's just that he's following the directions he's read sooo many times 'KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN?'"

JohnnyB said...

So, he imagines he's Fred Astaire, is that so bad?

Don Don said...

"Is it fear that keeps him on the wall? Or is it respect, maybe he has the significants of a fly on the wall?"

JohnnyB said...

All in all, he's just another dick on the wall.

NJ-to-TX said...

I may need to quit contributing to this contest over the 2nd place given to the "good old fashioned Jew joke."

It would be fine if it were good and old fashioned, but it persists on every crevice of the Internet. It's not a joke when it is a widespread belief that constantly rears its ugly head. As a Jew who gets punched in the gut regularly by this concept, sometimes disguised as humor and other times as blatant belief and "truth," I am disappointed. I suppose if we go back to the roots of this contest as "worst, most offensive" caption, this qualifies, but we haven't been there in some time.

Anonymous said...

"I don't think you understand his perspective."

Anonymous said...

"I'm not sure if Gorilla Glue obsession is grounds for divorce."

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