WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"Your
husband certainly is well hung."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works on a few levels. It would take a high level
of skill to successful hang the guy like that. But the subtext here,
of course, is that if he has a big dick what does she have to
complain about—marriage-problem-wise? )
SECOND
PLACE
"Oh
nothing...I was just looking at the door knobs..knob."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only because there are no door knockers to oodle,
we presume. This is one of those so-bad-it's-good caps we're all
grown so found of .)
THIRD
PLACE
Someone
is attempting to communicate with you through a tesseract, a five
dimensional hyper-cube built inside a black hole designed to save the
human race. That would explain the local gravitational anomalies, at
least.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The woman's likely
response: “This is some bull shit. I ain't payin' for this.” You
gotta like the effort here, even if the science is a bit pedestrian.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"He
said he thought the name of the group was just Occupy
Wall.
He didn't hear the Street
part."--Tim
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Really? Okay, Tim you asked for it: This is
something Bil Keane would think up. If that hurts, it's for your own
good.)
"Until
you two can get on the same plane I think further sessions are
pointless."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure it's
solid pun-wise, but a tad dry and a little to close to being suitable
for the real contest. Also, people who charge people by the hour
seldom admit it is pointless.)
All
in all, he's just another dick on the wall.--JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well said, JB. You really don't need no education.
)
"So
you're saying Tim just hangs out, is well hung, can't deal with you
face to face, and doesn't understand the gravity of the situation,
even though you continually drive him up the fucking wall. Is that
about it, Kathy?"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: With that, Kathy whips out her ipod and offers a
link)
I
may need to quit contributing to this contest over the 2nd place
given to the "good old fashioned Jew joke."
It would
be fine if it were good and old fashioned, but it persists on every
crevice of the Internet. It's not a joke when it is a widespread
belief that constantly rears its ugly head. As a Jew who gets punched
in the gut regularly by this concept, sometimes disguised as humor
and other times as blatant belief and "truth," I am
disappointed. I suppose if we go back to the roots of this contest as
"worst, most offensive" caption, this qualifies, but we
haven't been there in some time.--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: No worries. Our enduring commitment to content that
is the “worst, most offensive” is unassailable. Your grasp of
irony...not so much.)
"I
don't think you understand his perspective."Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Story of my life.)
"It all started with the wedding music ... 'Highway to Hell'!"
ReplyDeleteLike I said, the only thing he says is "Let's hang."
ReplyDelete"But what are the long term benefits of nailing his ass too the wall?"
ReplyDeleteSo you think the basic problem is his lack of sticktoitiveness?
ReplyDelete"Walter says you knew he rejected the laws of gravity before you agreed to marry him...Is that true, Sara?"
ReplyDelete"It helps, once in awhile, to give your spouse the floor."
ReplyDeleteBack then I thought, "What's the harm marrying into the Escher family?"
ReplyDelete"I don't think we can say quite yet that he's off the wall."
ReplyDelete"Well I assume at least the sex is great."
ReplyDelete"Oh nothing...I was just looking at the door knobs..knob."
ReplyDeleteDramatization. Do not attempt.
ReplyDelete"But surely you recognize that strap-on play has a downside risk…no?"
ReplyDelete"Don't worry, when your husband comes in, we'll be using the other room."
ReplyDelete"The wife bagged that one, actually. Bitch of a time finding a taxidermist who could handle it."
ReplyDelete"I hoped you would both be willing to try new positions."
ReplyDelete"How often does he get high like this?"
"When do you think he will go down? On you I mean."
"Well, he told me that you drive him up the wall."
ReplyDelete"I don't believe either of you understands the gravity of the situation."
ReplyDeleteYour distain for your husband manifests itself as a physical force-field that prevents him from getting close to you.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered that we might be the ones on the wall?
ReplyDelete"Has he always looked down on you?"
ReplyDelete"So what happened, after you said let's flip the house?"
ReplyDelete"According to the prenup, he changed his position on the oral sex agreement!"
ReplyDelete"What man on the wall? Listen lady, I'm a marriage counselor, not a mirage counselor. Capische?"
ReplyDelete"And you say the TV screen faces the ceiling?"
ReplyDelete"Once you're single, come back and blow me."
ReplyDelete"And how does it make you feel when you think that he's peeking down women's blouses?"
ReplyDeleteSomeone is attempting to communicate with you through a tesseract, a five dimensional hyper-cube built inside a black hole designed to save the human race. That would explain the local gravitational anomalies, at least.
ReplyDeleteArachnophobial differences and webby jizz are not grounds for divorce, Mrs. Parker.
ReplyDelete"Your husband certainly is well hung."
ReplyDelete"But he is right. You are being obtuse, and not at all acute."
ReplyDelete"You should have known what you were getting into when you married WALL·E there."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Nolan, when you ask Christopher what is going on, does he say anything other than "just thinking"?
ReplyDelete"Okay, so your husband's name is Russ. Do you mind then if I refer to him as Russell?"
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete"Your husband, Art, is on loan from MoMA, is that correct Mrs. Gallery?"
"If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!"
ReplyDelete"Mrs. Johnson, if I may. Husbands aren't perfect. Why just the other night my wife forgot to do the dishes so I clocked her really good."
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete"You and your son Wally need to get divorced right away, Mrs. Cleaver -- beaver or no beaver."
"He said he thought the name of the group was just Occupy Wall. He didn't hear the Street part."
ReplyDelete"Until you two can get on the same plane I think further sessions are pointless."
ReplyDelete"His exact words were, 'You used to laugh about everybody that was hangin' out.'"
ReplyDelete"So you're saying Tim just hangs out, is well hung, can't deal with you face to face, and doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, even though you continually drive him up the fucking wall. Is that about it, Kathy?"
ReplyDelete"At least he never leaves his toilet seat up."
ReplyDelete"The superpowers here are extreme."
ReplyDeleteLooks like he nailed it.
ReplyDelete"He's not inclined to reconcile."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"The solution is to include a straw when you bring him his beer."
ReplyDeleteYou still appear to be closed off, Dolores, even though Fredrick has explained it's not a knock on you. He's simply doing what he's been instructed to do on labels sooo many times -'Keep away from children.'"
ReplyDelete"Has your husband ever had a straight flush?"
ReplyDelete"Dolores, can you not accept that it's not a knock on you, it's just that he's following the directions he's read sooo many times 'KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN?'"
ReplyDeleteSo, he imagines he's Fred Astaire, is that so bad?
ReplyDelete"Is it fear that keeps him on the wall? Or is it respect, maybe he has the significants of a fly on the wall?"
ReplyDeleteAll in all, he's just another dick on the wall.
ReplyDeleteI may need to quit contributing to this contest over the 2nd place given to the "good old fashioned Jew joke."
ReplyDeleteIt would be fine if it were good and old fashioned, but it persists on every crevice of the Internet. It's not a joke when it is a widespread belief that constantly rears its ugly head. As a Jew who gets punched in the gut regularly by this concept, sometimes disguised as humor and other times as blatant belief and "truth," I am disappointed. I suppose if we go back to the roots of this contest as "worst, most offensive" caption, this qualifies, but we haven't been there in some time.
"I don't think you understand his perspective."
ReplyDelete"I'm not sure if Gorilla Glue obsession is grounds for divorce."
ReplyDelete