New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #404

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Fourscore and seven beers ago..."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah it's me: The elusive pre-occupied but still breathing al in la. Sitting here watching “Wreck It Ralph” with my granddaughter. Yes, I am well aware that I have not rendered judgement on our humble little contest in what seems like an etenity (to some of you, I mean). But at least give me some props for posting the contest each week so you can self-judge or whatever. I hardly ever drive my car but I do at least remember to move it across the street twice-a-week to comply with alternative side of the street parking regs—its kind of like that. Thanks to all who have posted caps. Just so you know: this blog consistently gets a at least a 100 unique visits a day so somebody somewhere is watching. As for the above cap, it has a historical reference AND beer. A slam dunk. Is that the kind of insight you've missed? Bless your heart if you said “Yes.”)

SECOND PLACE

Hey Kathleen. Limit enrollment by carrier pigeon and rename it Abe-bama Care.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In the time that has passed since my last judging, my personal hero, Barack Obama, has fallen on hard times. He screwed up this health care thing, BUT my instincts tell me he is playing opossum, kind of like Ali's rope-a-dope. Just when this right-wing Obama-hating-zealots think they got him, he screws them good—which means he does something that truly benefits the American people. This cap from boneguy's is not vicious and it's slightly funny. So...)

THIRD PLACE

"Can we forget about the theater tonight? I'm shot."
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Think of the implications for history if Abe had gone to the movies or, better yet, stayed home to watch porn on his computer, say. Kind of weird that no one had Abe's back that fateful night. When Chaney spoke to a gun rights group in Wisconsin audience members where barred from bringing their guns. It was a trifecta of irony, hypocrisy and –yes-- common sense.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I stated it in 1863 in reference to 1776.


4s + 7 = 1863 – 1776


4s + 7 = 87


4s = 80
s = 20


So a score is 20 years. Simple algebra, my dear, simple algebra."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Confusing but I'm guessing some thought went into this. I don't get it but lack of comprehension has never interfered with blind allegiance.)

And some of the people can be all right part of the time,
But all of the people can't be all right all of the time.--Levon Delight (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To lazy to look up exactly what song this is from, but I know its an old Dylan song. While making dinner for Mrs. al in la last night, I listened to Bob's outstanding 2001 album “Love and Theft.” I believe the song “Mississippi” is a masterpiece—as good as any Dylan song ever. Replace “Mississippi” with “Staten Island “ and, I swear, that song is about me.)

After a long absence, alinlatrine appears.

--Jim Cavsnsugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this is actually from Jim, he misspelled his last name while trying to make fun of my nom de plume. So there may be poetic justice there. I have long wondered if Jim actually uses his real name here – and if so why. Please include your hone number Jim and I will call you to find out.)

Al shaves before attending the theater for the last time, hearing his final words, "Sic semper The Contest!"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “Sic semper tyrannis” is a Latin phrase meaning "thus, always, to tyrants," which, more or less, means “screw the Man” I think it's from a Dylan song.)

When I'm done having the DTs, I'll get on with judging.--alinla (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this only to make clear that I did NOT post this cap. I did in fact post one under my own fake name. Anyway, it pleases me NOT at all when some asshole posts under al in la. We have rules about that kind of thing, you know.)

"Sorry guys,... no time to judge a crappy caption contest, gotta go free some slaves."--Puffin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is some truth to this. Regular readers know that I am a writer of sorts. I was laid off from my job as the editor of a magazine nearly five years ago (!) and have been freelancing ever since. It is a constant struggle but I do get assignments and am a contributing reporter for a newspaper published by a labor union. The above Anti-Caption offers a touch of irony because I also created an online presence else where. This will sound arrogant and self important but I honestly believe that in someways it is the intellectual equivalent of freeing the slaves—or at least trying to. I thought I would include a few details down here because I believe only the diehards will actually read it. A few weeks ago a new hyper-partisan website called “Truth Revolt” was launched with the expressed purpose of exposing the liberal media. Of course the real agenda is to advance right wing bull shit propergander. It is spearheaded by Ben Shapiro, a angry but slightly affable hard line conservative known for making stuff up like a group called “Friends Of Humas” which he stupidly claimed was backing Sen. Chuck Hagel's campaign. (Turned out to be bogus, of course.) I have never been big on posting comments on sites like this—especially if there are hundreds of others venting. We live in age when political loyalties are chiseled in stone. It would be easier to empty the ocean with a shot glass than change the mind of an Obama-hating Tea Party-loving zealot. But because this silly little website was brand new and there were relatively few comments. Just for the hell of it, I started to throw a few again the wall. And yes, I identified – and continue to identify--my self as “al in la.” I was amazed at the vitriol and nastiness that my very sensible and occcasionally humorous comments engendered. “Libtard,” “Obama-loving scumbag,” “Kool—Air drinker,” “Red Sox fan” where just some of the horrible names I was called [Okay, the last one I made up for dramatic effect. No one said anything THAT mean, and besides I don't really follow baseball and have no idea who won baseball's Superbowl.] One constant that has emerged when I post these comments is people continually accuse me of being a paid operative. This is flattering--but ludicrous. Because I actually write complete sentences and cite specific facts and shit, there is an on-going assumption that I have been sent behind energy lines to make trouble. [I'm guessing they assumed my many type-o's where purposely included to cover my tracks.] At one point, I actually taunted them into changing a headline that said: "TruthRevolt's Shapiro on Megyn Kelly: We're Watching 'The Bugs Bunny Media at Work.” I astutely noted that this poorly worded headline suggests that Shapiro was describing Kelly as a cartoon character. (She is, of course, but that was not what he was trying to say.) Shapiro was so intent on bragging about his appearance "on" Fox News that he botched the headline and embarrassed himself. Within minutes of my comment mocking it, the headline was changed. But that little incident was meaningless compared to the way they twist and bend ANY news item that potentially plays to their narrative. Overall, there is a sloppy haphazard approach taken by the brain trust at Truth Revolt. What is also ironic is that as he endeavors to diminish the "main stream media," Shapiro who's title is Editor-in-Chief, revealed himself to be a careless, no-talent hack. (At least I'M out of the denial stage.) But I digress. The point is the Anti-Cap contest has been good to me and I apologize for letting it lapse. I will try to do better but, as always, I promise nothing. As every freelancer knows: the hours here are obscene .