New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #405

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Yeah, it's kosher. But when you drag it into the oven, be careful."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of two extremely insensitive entries that put the “Anti” in “Anti-Caption.” The other, from Rex, said: "Some of our Jewish customers found the oven off-putting." That of course is a regurgitation of a cap used for a cartoon that had a couple greeting friends visiting a house with gigantic furniture. This is more subtle and it's not a left-over.)

SECOND PLACE

It's from a turkey farm located in the Fukushima prefecture.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Extra credit for the obscure reference. If it wasn't for the cap below, I would not have known that the location mentioned is what they used to called Chernobyl. Sometimes I wonder: if boneguy is so smart why doesn't he spell his name with an uppercase letter?)

THIRD PLACE

"Chernobyl? Oh right. I get it, lady..HaHa...except now it's Fukushima."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, sucks but it gets the Bronze Metal for the reasons stated above. I hope you haven’t forgotten that a lot of these decisions are very political.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Hi, my name's Al. Here we sell gigantic turkeys to suckers like you.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And so begins a crap-load of caps that take jabs at me. I post them as part of my rehabilitation process. Think of them as an online interventi0n aimed at confronting me with my decision to prioritize commerce and insightful political commentary over mirth, ridicule and satire. The problem with this cap is I don't sell anything here, so I guess the jokes on me.)

It's not for sale. We're saving it to celebrate when al's lithium levels stabilize.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What about my blood alcohol levels?)

"Our hot dogs, like Al's contest judgments, are available in packs of ten."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They say people who like sausages or the law should never see how either is made—same goes for the Anti-Cap.)

"I you don't judge them when they're normal sized, they just get bigger and uglier and people lose interest in them. How about some red herring today?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so on the money that it was almost picked as the winner—but I didn't want to go that way. It's never been about me. That's one of the reasons I have no guilt about letting it lapse for weeks on end. )

"Like so many others, he's just sitting there waiting for al to carve him up."
-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Carve up, offer insight, make lame jokes—whatever. )

"Al's hiding in there because so many people are pissed at him."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if. Remember on the internet no one knows you're a dog, which also means no one can be sure you're NOT a dog. [Does that make sense?])

THANKS for GIVING up on us, al.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And thank YOU for reminding us that there is no humor like passive aggressive humor and passive aggressive humor is no humor at all.)

"The sixth turkey is really from me."--LA in AL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a note I included to confirm that a cap I posted was actually from me. Posting something under my name is like stealing from a panhandler.)

"If you think this is a big turkey, check out al in la's unjudged anti-caption contest."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Never begin an entry with the words, “If you think.” Anti-Cappers interpret that as a cheap shot.)

"You reckon this bird is stuffed? Go check out Al's cap contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not exactly a knee slapper but it calls attention to the infinite capacity of empty space.)

"How long should you cook it? If you start now, it'll be ready by Thanksgiving...2014! Or, when al gets around to judging this Contest -- whichever comes first."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And apparently you can't have turkey without whine.)

"Our small turkeys sold out. Try the Anti-Caption contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So this is the go-to place for small turkeys? Whatever. Reminds of a type-o I once made in a news story: I mentioned that some new high tech gizmo represented “turkey technology” when I meant to say “turnkey technology.” Stupid fucking spell check didn't catch it, and neither did the lazy-ass copy editors. [True story.])

"It's stuffed with the dashed dreams of Anti-Caption Contest contributors. And, some caraway seeds."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My grandmother used to chop up the heart and use it in the stuffing [The turkey's heart, I mean]. She was a decent loving woman who grew up in poverty, so I refuse to believe it was needlessly sadistic.)

"This is called an alinlaturkey. It's al in la stuffed inside a turkey."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No problem. You may call it a “turkey,” I think of it as a “host.” )