WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"And
this is our most popular seller—the Fuller Brush With
Death."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Antiquated but nimble word play. As a kid I thought the guy knocking on the door was a “Full-of-Brush man.” Fun fact:
both Billy Graham and Paul “Pee-wee Herman” Reubens once peddled this crap door-to-door.)
SECOND
PLACE
"I
just found out that you're my fodder!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Works better if we assume the guy has a Brooklyn accent. As
always, Tim's comic fodder is scattershot but painless. )
THIRD
PLACE
"You'll
go down in history as Cannonball Henderson...right along side Aerial
Castro."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Aerial is the now-dead psychopath who held women hostage in
Ohio. History will not be kind to him. Cannonball, of course, was
Ricky's lesser-known younger brother.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"No,
no, this is the way we vote in Egypt."--Don
Don (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: As Don surely knows, it was the lovely and talented Mao
Zedong who said “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.”
)
"How
many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever
banned?"--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Those familiar with the classic song from which this cap is
derived know Dylan rhymes “forever banned” with “sleeps in the
sand.” The man's a freakin' genius is all I'm saying)
"Thanks
for doing this. We don't usually get people of your caliber in this
line of work."--Tim
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: What a grateful nation should have said to Barry when he was
sworn in the first time.)
"You
were supposed to attach the fuse, Billy. You crazy bastard."--smuck
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Nice bastardization of a classic but why would the guy
inside the canon be responsible for the fuse?)
"Shut
up, Simmons. Everyone knows your gun carriage is a caisson."
--
Jim
Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S
COMMENT:
Caisson, it turns out, is a chest or wagon that holds or ammunition.
Simmons was a guitarist for KISS. Noted.)
"...and
when you reach evrolet girl's face, use this to put her mascara
on."--NAMBY
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: She is a big
woman and it does look like a mascara wand so...)
"Hurry
up or Judge alinla will dispense of us early!"--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As in happens
I'm runing behind again but I'm on the job, more or less.)
"Sit
tight, Putin talked Al into delaying the voting"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical and clever. As
Mrs. al in la can attest, I can be talked into almost anything.)
"Doesn't
matter where you land or how creative you are, all we know with
certainty is that you'll fly way over al's head."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get it.)
I can never get over how dapper French cruise missiles are.
ReplyDelete"Before we proceed ... Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
ReplyDelete"I noticed your nick name was 'The Vulture' ... Are you bringing any carrion?"
ReplyDelete"...and when you reach evrolet girl's face, use this to put her mascara on."
ReplyDelete"We're weaponising your flatulence, Cornwall, to gas Assad with your pants down."
ReplyDelete"If you're here for the 10 o'clock colon cleanse, turn around."
ReplyDeleteIn Le Cirque des Accountants, we've replaced the net with a nice big pile of spreadsheets.
ReplyDelete"You're being promoted in accordance with Canon law."
ReplyDelete"Remember, it's 3...2...1...and then you yell out, Baba Booey!!"
ReplyDelete"I think you can loosen your tie now."
ReplyDelete"How many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever banned?"
ReplyDelete"Has the penny dropped yet? You're being fired."
ReplyDelete"Get out - this is Pachelbel's cannon!"
ReplyDelete"And thanks for 'Flying Seat Of Your Pants' ... Our motto ... 'We Value Your Tush'!"
ReplyDelete"This is your captain speaking—we're about to push back for takeoff. You'll be flying today at a speed of 600 miles per hour and an altitude of fifty feet."
ReplyDelete"Now remember, half of you was shot out of your dad's weenie, so this should be old hat. Have fun!"
ReplyDelete"Doesn't matter where you land or how creative you are, all we know with certainty is that you'll fly way over al's head."
ReplyDeleteAs a gay wedding planner, getting the groom out of West Virginia takes real ingenuity.
ReplyDelete"Hurry up or Judge alinla will dispense of us early!"
ReplyDelete"I just found out that you're my fodder!"
ReplyDelete"Think of it as your first ejaculation."
ReplyDelete"When you reach the other side, you'll be wearing a three-piece-soot."
ReplyDelete"Aim for the snail. But if you hit the centaur, that's O.K., too."
ReplyDelete"Listen up! ... For your in flight menu you have a choice of 'Spill Your Guts' or 'Splat"! ... If you hear your Korean captain say 'Sum Ting Wong' ... Brace yourself!!!"
ReplyDelete"You'll go down in history as Cannonball Henderson...right along side Aerial Castro."
ReplyDelete"If you are in there for more than four hours, call a doctor"
ReplyDelete"Scoot over Kid Blast"
ReplyDeleteI can't think of a better way to kickoff this year's office blood drive.
ReplyDelete"Thanks for doing this. We don't usually get people of your caliber in this line of work."
ReplyDelete"I'm really sorry that these NASA budget cuts have come to this."
ReplyDelete"Look. I didn't kill that chimney sweep and grab his brush just so you could wimp out at the last minute!"
ReplyDelete"Yes Myron, accountants as cannon fodder. We're going to hit them where it hurts. Now, do you have your calculator?"
ReplyDelete"This is Los Angeles. We don't need no stinkin' permits!"
ReplyDelete"All the way to dear Santa Fe? Maybe. But it's kind of a long shot."
ReplyDelete"Did you turn off your cellphone or other electronic devices?"
ReplyDeleteYou're the most Obama could get from Congress for a military strike.
ReplyDelete"It's actually a used Q-tip from the Jolly Green Giant."
ReplyDelete"I told you it was a circus around here."
ReplyDelete"Hush, you look fabulous!"
ReplyDeleteGo all Hulk on me AFTER this thing fires!
ReplyDeleteI always wanted to be a curator but not of a giant garden hose exhibit.
ReplyDelete"You're one of our most valued employees. What makes you think you're about to be fired?"
ReplyDeleteMy last four employees are dead. What of it?
ReplyDelete"Shut up, Simmons. Everyone knows your gun carriage is a caisson."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"And this is our most popular seller—the Fuller Brush With Death."
ReplyDeleteOne more bean burrito and Obama will claim you are a chemical weapon.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the chances that we have
ReplyDeletean actual Senator whose real name is Ted "Cruz" Missile to be the opening salvo for our next war?
"You're being relocated."
ReplyDelete"Didn't I see you in cartoon #288?"
ReplyDelete"Let's take turns blowing each other."
ReplyDelete"Well you're the real tough cookie
ReplyDeleteWith the long history
Of breaking little hearts
Like the one in me
That's OK,
Lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes,
Lets get down to it..."
"Bon Voyage, Monsieur Fusilier!"
ReplyDelete"Aegean Airlines ... Prepare for 'Pederast Off'!"
ReplyDelete"Your relocation to Buffalo has been fast tracked."
ReplyDelete"Interest in our travel service has had its ups and downs."
ReplyDelete"You know, with this business trip, you might be spreading yourself a bit too thin."
ReplyDelete"No, no, this is the way we vote in Egypt."
ReplyDelete"Do you want to be a Palestinian or not?”
ReplyDelete"Sit tight, Putin talked Al into delaying the voting"
ReplyDelete"Suck the black Q-Tip, Francis"
ReplyDelete"Pope Pius X was cannonized and he didn't bitch and whine about it."
ReplyDeleteinteresting details! keep sharing articles like this. Kudos!
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