New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #391

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Dear, I told you the "naked, mid-level executive climbing through the open window to fuck the young damsel and her dog" fantasy has gotten a little stale."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Fer Christ sake: The dog? Can we at least assume it's a bitch? And maybe it's only getting stale for her. This wins because it does not have a pun.)

"Another tough day at the orifice, Honey?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too horrible to ignore. There were 10 puns entered in the hope of winning this contest. No pun in ten did.)

SECOND PLACE

"Don't be a pane in the ass."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always a concern, maybe she should insist he use some lube. Reminded me: When I was blocking someone's view in grade school a teacher asked: “Is your father a glass maker?” I responded” “No, but he can be a real pain.” I was like 8 at the time. And thus it all began.)

THIRD PLACE

"Does Huma know you're out?"
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I understand the National Association for the Advancement of Cock Puns [NAACP], has named Anthony Weiner its member of the year. He also gets top honors from the American Social Society Helping Out Lecherous Elected Sleazebags [ASSHOLES]. And please note: I worked on this comment a lot longer than the others, so stop with the groaning.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Watch your nuts."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So close, but Satireguy screwed up! The slam dunk winner woulda, coulda and shoulda been: “I can see your nuts!” When we had a naked courtroom witness seated in a jacuzzi that's what the lawyer said. An instant classic! )

"Fetch the balls, Fifi."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it's a boy dog, he can lick his own. Besides it's a firm rule of cartooning that only French poodles can be named “Fifi.”)

"The prowlers here are obscene."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Petty good use of a classic, I'll give you another: “Come on in Fred. Everyone knows you're about to get the strap-on.”)

"Down, Max! Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They cheered when Bob sang this in the early '70's because Nixon was president. Now, not so much.)

You got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This positively works if they live on 4^th Street. Also we assume “nerve” is reference to his manhood and that it's standing at attention because the window is not the only thing he's about to enter.)

"Come in...I'll give you shelter from the storm."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Beauty walks a razor's edge, Kathy.)

"Homeward Bound" performed by Bob Dylan in concert during 1991 leg of the "Never-Ending Tour."

http://www.bobdylanroots.com/homeward.html--Obligatory Dylan (rebuttal edition) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm gonna need the exact date, venue and set list [notarized of course], before I admit to an error. Also, as long as I have you, why didn't O.D. or anyone else evoke the Dylan song “Please Crawl Out Your Window”?)

"I knew when I moved back to Staten Island I was asking for trouble."--Giovanni da Verrazzano (sometimes spelled "Verrazano") (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The famed explorer for whom that magnificent bridge is named is why it is often called the “Guinea Gang-plank.” If Giovanni had been Irish it might have been called “The Mick Stick,” if he was Chinese, it'd be the “Chink Link,” if he had been Polish, he would have gotten lost at sea.)

"Hey, al, it says here fusilier is a kind of fish. Oh, and put your clothes on."
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I assume by “here” you mean your imagination. See below, smart guy. )

....not so fast, Cavanaugh. fusilier |ˌfyoōzəˈli(ə)r| (also fusileer)
noun (usu. Fusiliers)
a member of any of several British regiments formerly armed with fusils : the Royal Scots Fusiliers.
• historical a soldier armed with a fusil.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This completely validates me and proves Cavanaugh is dead wrong. No surprise there. Sure, there was some back-and forth after Anon set the record straight, but I have learned that when you strike oil, stop drilling.)

Are you coming or going? Either way, make sure it lands outside.--Levon Delight (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tacky riddle I heard in jr. high: Why is cum white and piss yellow? So you know whether you're coming or going. This made me think of that. Unfortunately)

"Lost your shirt to al in la in a poker game again, didn't you?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny thing: I found this old beat-up t-shirt for the “The Last Waltz” and threw it on eBay, asking $10. It was bid up to $53! Now I have six old Dylan shirts up for auction. Also, I once hit a royal flush on a video poker game in Vegas and won $250 on a 25 cent bet. If I had bet a buck, I would have won $1,200 but I was only playing so I could drink for free. Story of my life.)

"Leave the briefcase, take the cojones."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least she didn't say “Michael Corleone says hello.”)

"Get in here and finish your writing and editing!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Finish? It's never finished! It's as relentless as a babbling brook. [Yeah, Cavanaugh, I'm talking to you!] But thanks to wireless tech I don't have to come in to put off doing what I'm supposed to do.)

"Did you bet on the Mets again, al?"
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll bet the Mets finish with a better year than the Astros and the Red Sox choke down the stretch. That's the best I can do.)

Al formally took the reins from D. Radosh on August 10, 2009 (Contest #202).--4th Anniversary (rebuttal edition) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Equal measures touching and annoying. There is nothing “formal” about this contest, so I didn't need Daniel's abdication to validate my meddling. Having said that, I'm touched that anyone would give a shit.)