FIRST PLACE
"Who
asked to speak with the sousa chef?"--Dex (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: In a contest that yielded almost no caps worth recognizing,
this is not as terrible as the others. The pun kind of works and has
the added benefit of correctly identifying the musical instrument
being played [Hint: it is not a tuba].)
SECOND
PLACE
"We're
out of tuna. This is the closest thing we've got, lexicographically
speaking."--smuck (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This gets mild props for imagination as well as the use of a
word that has never before been used-- here are any place else.)
THIRD
PLACE
"And
every stop is neatly planned
For a poet and a one-man
band."--Obligatory
Dylan (cover edition)
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well, I admit, that many of my words do come back
to me in shades of mediocrity
but Bob, these days, is his own cover band. For the record, Dylan has
preformed Paul Simon's classic “The Boxer” in concert seven times
but has never offered a version of “Homeward Bound” – and yes
there are people out there who track that kind of thing.)
HONORABLE
MENTION
And
now, in honor of Al's 4th year, the "Anniversary
Waltz."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: April 4, 2009 was actually the first time I used this blog
to cough up my winners. The comments didn't come for a while, but
thanks for acknowledging my efforts. I had long assumed that the recognition I am due would come many decades from now.)
What say you two settle up and we all go back my place and jump in the hot tuba,
ReplyDelete"Built it myself outta some old PVC and a Toilet Seat ... Wanna hear my favorite ... 'Do Me Baby-Soft And Wet'!"
ReplyDelete"Welcome to 'McDonalds Sit Down' ... Speak into the French Horn ... And we'll take your order!"
ReplyDelete"Did you think that this was one of those high-brass places?"
ReplyDelete"Last week's special was talking sole. Tonight it's bass, see?"
Our "visionary" chef thought this would be cool way to bring out the cheese wheel.
ReplyDeleteOur dessert is "The Senator Ted Stevens Baked Alaska", presented this evening as a series of tubes.
ReplyDelete"Would you like me to play the specials again?"
ReplyDelete"Eeeetz eeeeezy. You press your leeeeps together and blowwwww..,no?"
ReplyDelete"Of course, around here, we call it a Tuba Steak."
ReplyDelete"Sometimes I slide my head eeeenside the beeeeg opening. You want I show you?"
ReplyDelete"I'd recommend duck. Especially when I swing this thing around."
ReplyDelete"We're out of tuna. This is the closest thing we've got, lexicographically speaking."
ReplyDelete"May I interest you in some performance-enhancing drugs?"
ReplyDelete"It's naat a tooobah."
ReplyDelete(It's a sousaphone.)
"It's like it's talkin' to me all day long, saying 'blow me'."
ReplyDelete"The violinist was fired for being high."
ReplyDelete"Who eeeese theeeese Bob Deeeeelan guy? I never heeeeeer no name such as that."
ReplyDelete"I intend to be the first tuba-playing President of the United States of America."
ReplyDelete"Thanks for the hand, ma'am, but that's not my spit valve."
ReplyDelete"Tuba or not tuba, that is your question? Actually, it's a sousaphone."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"Table for tuba?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
I'll send your waiter over right away to drum up some grub.
ReplyDelete"My name eeese Diego Gomez, but most peeeeple call me by my neeekname, Horny."
ReplyDelete"Do I know 'A Mouse Just Peed In My Drink'? ... Why don't you hum a few bars, and I'll improvise!"
ReplyDelete"How about something in the key of Johnny B.?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"Yes ma'am, you do have nice tits, but I was looking at that other set of double d's."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"Who asked to speak with the sousa chef?"
ReplyDelete"Not sure I know that one, could you fart a few notes?"
ReplyDelete"And every stop is neatly planned
ReplyDeleteFor a poet and a one-man band."
"Madam, the sousaphone's for you."
ReplyDelete"I play a C-flat every time he has a rump ripper."
ReplyDeleteThis little valve releases my accumulated spittle. Which by coincidence is tonight's complimentary aperitif.
ReplyDelete"Who ordered the French toast?"
ReplyDelete"I keep hearing people say, '"Restaurant Week; Tuba-Playing Weaker.'"
ReplyDelete"I studied two years in Paris, two years in Salzburg, and four years in vain."
ReplyDelete"Who ordered the blow job?"
ReplyDelete"I'm Ernesto, and he's Humberto, and we're here to pump you up."
ReplyDelete"Yes, the view out the porthole really is beautiful. Now, will one of you please help me push my intestines back in?"
ReplyDelete"That was Rhapsody in Blue. What do you expect? It's a fucking tuba."
ReplyDelete"Who tooted?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"On tonight's menu we are featuring tubers. Ironic, ain't it?"
ReplyDeleteI know only one Fleetwood Mac song, and it might break both your wine glasses.
ReplyDeleteYour ex in the adjacent dining room paid me to play a medley of marching band tunes.
ReplyDeleteOh sure. The audiologist will be right over.
ReplyDelete"I doubt if I could shatter your wineglass, but I might make your tits jiggle."
ReplyDelete"Most people think I'm a waiter aspiring to be a tubist, but, actually, I'm a tubist aspiring to be a waiter."
ReplyDelete"I once played The Flight of the Bumblebee and I blew out my spleen."
ReplyDelete"I'm Brian and I'll be your sousaphonist tonight."
ReplyDelete"I do take requests, as long as it's B flat or F."
ReplyDelete"I just blew in from Tijuana and boy are my...stop me if you've heard this....."
ReplyDelete"I recommend you request a song I know, and eat somewhere else when I'm done."
ReplyDelete"To tell you the truth, the owner thought that playing a tuba would distract the guests from the horrible food we serve."
ReplyDeleteYou don't like the sound of the sousaphone, lady? Well, isn't that just tuba-d.
ReplyDelete"After I play, you WILL have room for dessert."
ReplyDelete"I've played it for you, now I'm going to play it for him."
ReplyDelete"I would like to regale you with the musical stylings of my cousin, Øystein Baadsvik."
ReplyDelete"I got this gig because I can drown out the talking fish."
ReplyDelete"The embouchure is excellent."
ReplyDeleteAnd now, in honor of Al's 4th year, the "Anniversary Waltz."
ReplyDelete"Something from Kenneth Amis?"
ReplyDelete"This is 'Rhapsody in Brown'."
ReplyDelete"If you'd prefer, I also can yodel."
ReplyDelete"This is the 'new look' Detroit Symphony."
ReplyDelete"Due to a misprint, our special tonight is tuna tartare."
ReplyDelete"I'm the fill-in for the mariachi band."
ReplyDelete