New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #389

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"So these two pollocks get in a fight, and one gets battered!"--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And the other has to stay after school or something. Cheap, cheesey and obvious but not without it's charm. The fish figures his quick wit will save him from being eaten alive. This is a common but ineffectual life strategy.)

SECOND PLACE

"You want a piece of me?"--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It does not look like the diner is seeking permission. I could never understand why tough guys ask this before a throw down.)

THIRD PLACE

"They call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I always figured it was either a pot or sex reference. Or maybe he is just really, really skinny. Whatever, he is a perennial Anti-Capper. Higher praise I can not offer—not to him at least.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I'm sorry I slept with Luca Brasi, but this doesn't solve anything."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: GF trivia: Luca was portrayed by Lenny Montana, a 6'6” - 320 pound pro-wrestler who was also a real life mob-enforcer. In the original novel he impregnates a young prostitute and murders her, so sleeping with him has a down-side risk.)

"Wanna hear me sing "Take Me to the River'?"--JimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References three important cultural icons: The Sopranos, Talking Heads and tacky novelty gifts. )

"My name's Abe Vigoda. What's yours?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Barney Miller reference. In GF I his character was called “Sally,” because his name was Sal. I always though a real mob guy wouldn't stand for that. Tom Hagan couldn't get him off the hook. Not even for old times sake. )

"Seafoodie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How the fuck did “heck” get into this classic cap. And can we all agree the fish is not doing well. )

"The chowders here in the tureen are from the latrine."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ick! Would have worked better if it said “where caught up-stream,” or something. Clever doesn't always mean gross.)

"Fusilier, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is trying too hard. A fusilier has nothing to do with fish.)

How're you going to eat me without a mouth you fucking douchebag--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With his nebbish demeanor and wire-rim glasses, the diner reminds me of 1984 Subway Vigilante Bernard Goetz. By provolking a violent, unstable and highly volitile man with an ill-advised tough-guy routine, the fish reminds me of the four teens Goetz shot.)

"I'm Al and I'll be your waiter tonight."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here are the specials: stupid puns, tourtued classics and rim-shot cornball caps hastily dashed off and dismissed as quickly, the occasional topical reference, Dylans lyrics both obscure and esoteric and many exotic dishes considered an acquired taste.)

[Al, Al, Al - I have never once tried to out-Dylan you. Your knowledge of Dylan is encyclopedic and mine isn't. I offer up semi-obscure quotes precisely because you're the only person I know of who will instantly recognize them and hopefully appreciate them. Most of the other Dylan quotes submitted here are pretty obvious and don't even attempt to work as captions. I figure you deserve better.]--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: RANDON DYLAN NOTES: A recent ebay auction netted me $75 for a tattered and torn long-sleve tee shirt that simply says: “Bob Dylan and the Band 1974 Tour”; A USA Today rock critic once called from a Dylan show and held up the phone so I could hear a song she wanted to identify. I nailed it of course. I got free tickets to a Dylan Tribute at MSG. An exec at MTV which was producing the show had heard about my Dylan bonafides and personally invited me; I wrote a news story that someone in Dylan's office confirmed he probably read. )