WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"No
worries. A veterinarian knows how to get a dog to heal."--cta
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sorry
I'm late with these. I was busy with writing stuff for which I
receive compensation that goes beyond implied approval. Still, I have
fallen so far behind the real NYer cap contest has already posted its
top three picks for the above cartoon. One of the candidates is a cap
that simply says: “Heal!” This entry from cta is a lot better than
that, but it's too far fetched. The
NYer seldom strays from playfully whimsical to really-fucking-stupid, not even for a dog joke. The Anti-Cap, of course, gives pointless the prominence
it deserves. Think of it as ruff love. )
SECOND
PLACE
"Go
analyze your own specimens, you're a Lab."--Dex
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you believe groaning is related to laughter, this also has merit. Note that this cap sounds like
command to a really smart dog.)
THIRD
PLACE
"So
'Doggy Style' bores you ... Why not go back to chasing cars, i.e.
'Autofellatio'!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Kinky word-play, but slightly confusing. Reminds us of that old adage that says
dogs lick their balls because they can. Something to not think
about. Moving on...)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"I
must be frank. This diagnosis gives one paws."--Tim
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lame pun. A real mutt. But “frank” is another name for a hot dog so there's that. )
Just
do your thing, you'll be king, if dogs run free.--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
From "If Dogs Run Free," an easily forgotten Dylan song mocking beatnik poets. It appears on the 1970 album “New Morning.” Clearly written when Bob was stoned. Includes the
lines: “To each his own. It's all unknown. If dogs run free.”)
"Shut
up Rover. Everyone knows your whole fucking everything is a
clip-on."--smuck
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rover is the
quintessential name for dogs who have no spots. An old friend once
told me the only commands her dog knew were “shut up” and “go
away.” I found that sad.)
"Yes,
there are fireworks on the Fourth of July. Is that some sort of
problem?"--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I was
about 6, I had a dog who hated Fourth-of-July. To this day I hate
boom-boom fireworks because I recall my dog panting and nervously
running upstairs, than down, than up. Had him until I was about 22. I
still miss that dog.)
"Check
out Mel's Dogfood Emporium on Rodeo Drive. It's got the best ALPO in
LA."--smuck
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: An awkward poke at
me — I think. More baffling than insightful.)
"This
is just great. A cartoonist who can't draw as well as Hellen Keller
wants me to say something funny to a fucking dog sitting on my
examining table that might appeal to some loser in LA, or a couple of
assholes in New York."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: That pretty
much sums it up. I'm touched that you listed me first. Remember:
Loser is transitional, asshole is indelible. )
"Your peripheral vision is shot."
ReplyDelete"Roll over so I can check your prostate."
ReplyDelete"Erectile dysfunction can occasionally occur when one's testicles are removed."
ReplyDelete"I must be frank. This diagnosis gives one paws."
ReplyDelete"The dognosis is distemper of yours. I recommend anger management."
ReplyDelete"C'mon boy, speak!"
ReplyDelete"Please Mister...whatever mascot you claim you are. Either take the head off and tell me your medical problem, or get the hell out of here and stop wasting time that could be spent treating patients."
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure they make a low-rider big enough for a bobbing head dog your size. In the meantime here's some Zoloft.
ReplyDelete"Canine Rabbis! ... Get a yam aka, join a temple, stop complaining!"
ReplyDelete"CATaracts! ... You'll need a guide dog!"
ReplyDelete"You've been humping your mistress ... She want's you declawed!
ReplyDeleteyou didnt complain about my tiny hand when I cleaned out the last of the peanut-butter jar, so lick it Dog Boy!
ReplyDeleteNext time try not to eat your stool sample.
ReplyDelete"...bark bark bark Ruff Ruff GROU-WEL GROU-WELLL!....Rod Steiger's dog."
ReplyDeleteI might be a canine but you, Dr Sumguy, are a real dog.
ReplyDelete"Let the Elmer's glue dry for 24 hours, and don't ever again hang your head outside a car with power windows."
ReplyDelete"Try raising your other leg. ... Oh ... A note from Boneguy ... He wants you to lick his ball ... He's on the 3rd hole at Eagle Ridge!"
ReplyDelete"Take one of these pills a day with water from the toilet."
ReplyDelete"Your DNA test show that you are 99.9 % canis lupus familiaris."
ReplyDeleteChrist, your bacon levels are sky-high.
ReplyDelete"Don't worry about the cost, it'll all be taken care of by Obama-cur."
ReplyDelete"I'm afraid it's rabies, Mr. Yeller."
ReplyDelete"Take only one of these per day, unless you're trying to kill yourself. Nah, just kidding! I know you don't have the balls for that."
ReplyDelete"Ouch, I know how you feel. I've badly screwed the pooch, too."
ReplyDelete"Your anal glands need resection ... We'll throw in a gallbladder, an appendectomy, and factory undercoat your scrotum for a small additional fee!"
ReplyDelete"No worries. A veterinarian knows how to get a dog to heal."
ReplyDelete"As Man's Best Friend, I want you to go to the 7-eleven, and bring back a six pack of Bud!"
ReplyDeleteWhat's the matter pooch? Cat's got your tongue?
ReplyDelete"Sorry, Sandy, but your understudy will have to go on tonight."
ReplyDelete"Check out Mel's Dogfood Emporium on Rodeo Drive. It's got the best ALPO in LA."
ReplyDelete"This test says Augie Doggie, but you said that your name was Doggie Daddy. What gives?"
ReplyDeleteDo you know Pitbull?
ReplyDelete"How many times have I told you, 'Chocolate cigarettes will kill you!'?"
ReplyDelete"Terrible news, you have six months to live. Wait ... in dog years, that's Thursday!"
ReplyDelete"Turn your head and bark."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
I see nothing wrong, Rover. But where are your pants?
ReplyDelete"So 'Doggy Style' bores you ... Why not go back to chasing cars, i.e. 'Autofellatio'!"
ReplyDelete"I was born in April and fought in Nam so I'm a veteran Arian, so get lost."
ReplyDelete"You have Arffheimers."
ReplyDelete"My name's Dr. Katz. That's right, you heard me."
ReplyDelete"Go analyze your own specimens, you're a Lab."
ReplyDelete"...the bad news is within six months you won't have to play dead."
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry, but there's nothing more we can do. We are bow-wowting of your treatment."
ReplyDelete"This is your bill for humping my leg! ... I had to fake 4 orgasms!"
ReplyDeleteThis will help with the irritation, but stay away from wool pantlegs.
ReplyDeleteI can give you something for the cat allergy. It's made from bark.
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry, but Wednesday is hump day."
ReplyDeleteGive this a try, but I believe your best option is getting neutered.
ReplyDelete"As your podiatrist I can confirm that your dogs are, indeed, barking."
ReplyDelete"Well, Mr. Snowden, with this disguise I believe you can find asylum anywhere you want. Except Kathmandu. And, possibly, Santa Catalina."
ReplyDeleteWhy the sad face McGruff? A few courses in C++ and you'll be fighting cyber crime in no time! In the meantime, here's some Zoloft.
ReplyDelete"Hell, I'd adopt you myself if you weren't so damn sick."
ReplyDelete"I was going to offer you our 'good dog' discount, but I see by your chart that you're, well, a 'bad dog.'"
ReplyDelete"The bill? Bob Barker took care of it."
ReplyDelete"I cannot give an old dog a new dick ... Give 'Erectal Rx' a try!"
ReplyDelete"Your plastic surgery is complete, Mr. Jenner."
ReplyDelete"Dressing like that doesn't make it doggie AIDS. It's still just AIDS."
ReplyDelete"We'll have the results of your stool study after Marci's teacher grades it."
ReplyDelete"I think your wife wants more out of this procedure than birth control."
ReplyDelete"Try to understand this. The redness on your penis is never, ever, ever going away."
ReplyDelete"You're a dog."
ReplyDelete"For the thousandth time, we didn't find any homework in your stomach."
ReplyDeleteGet up on this table...you can leave your mask on.
ReplyDelete"Yes, there are fireworks on the Fourth of July. Is that some sort of problem?"
ReplyDelete[In Chinese] "It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."
ReplyDelete"Take two dog biscuits and call me in the morning."
ReplyDeleteYou've got lupus. Canis lupus.
ReplyDeleteJust do your thing, you'll be king, if dogs run free.
ReplyDelete"Y'know, wearing a suit and tie and a bag over your head is not that bad of an idea."
ReplyDelete"Well, you've been sitting here for 2 1/2 weeks. I recommend that you move around a bit. Y'know, get a little exercise, now and again."
ReplyDelete"You've got heartworm, ringworm, and rabies. I won't sugarcoat it- it's going to be ruff."
ReplyDelete"It says here that the Mets are cancelling their Native American Heritage Night because -- get this -- they didn't want to offend the Atlanta Braves, their opponents that night! That's right. They didn't want to offend the Braves baseball team! That's high-larious! Now, what's your beef again with the Morgantown Mutts?"
ReplyDelete"You have never been sick a day in your like I know but Obama care says you have to pay for your eventual euthanasia, dismemberment and organ transplants to be used in highly profitable research and lucrative back door transplant surgery."
ReplyDelete"Take one Breath Mint twice a day, and lick your balls anytime you feel like it"!
ReplyDelete"You've had that costume on for 3 weeks now. Do you need some help removing it?"
ReplyDelete"We've been here so long that this prescription has expired."
ReplyDelete"Well, in dog years, you'll be dead before this contest is judged."
ReplyDelete"I know it's hot. But I still suggest that you close your mouth and not run around with short pants."
ReplyDeleteHmm ... you could have "November syndrome." I think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise!
ReplyDelete"Take this note to Al and tell him that it's time to judge the contest."
ReplyDelete"Go fetch Harry"
ReplyDelete