New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #382

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

Are you sure this resurrection has lasted more than four hours?--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evokes that scary yet provocative warning heard on boner pill comercials. You know, the one that says you should see a doctor if your hard-on goes into extra innings. Also touches on the foundation of Christianity. So, Anti-Cap wise, how can you go wrong? Combining religious imagagery with sexual stuff always results in hilarity.)

SECOND PLACE

I am going to write you up as the first reported case of being light in the loafers minus the loafers.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speaking of loafers, this is just lazy – and really stupid. “Light in the loafers” is an antiquated and highly derogatory way to describe a gay man. And the name “boneguy” could be kind of gay thing so...not that there's anything wrong wity that.)

THIRD PLACE

"You have hermes."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the worst puns ever unleashed here. The link takes us to a drawing that's kind of creepy but somehow makes sense.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"It's time for your annual metaphysical."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of works. We'll take insightful over funny, if we can't have funny.)

"You have bird flu."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Think about it: “flu” is a homophone for “flew,” which is what birds do. And “do” rhymes with and “flu”...so the word play here is obscene ...and pointless.)

"Take 2 Beano and call me in the morning!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Refers to an anti-flatulence pill, so this suggests that the guy has farted so hard it has sent him aloft. [Wait for laughter] Further proof that the Anti-Caption contest is to the Caption Contest what junior high school is to grad school.)

"Take two anvils and call me in the morning."

--Jim Cavanaugh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is making the point that weights would hold the man down, and anvil sounds like Advil is the name of an analgesic. Nice one, buddy! It seems that Anti-Cap anti-hero JohnnyB has gone on hiatus so I am eyeing Jim as my new favorite person to make fun of. It's a heavy burden, Jim. I hope you're up for it.)

“I concur with Dr Sumguy. Plus, a little less fiber."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I had long assumed that Dr. Sumguy was not a real doctor—now I'm not so sure.)

"You're in luck. With Obamacare, invisible step stools are covered."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, but ironically stool samples are indeed covered. This reflects the ignorant misinformation advanced about the most progressive health care initiative seen in the U.S. since Medicare. In other news, Michele Bachmann has preformed a mercy killing on her disgraceful rein in congress.)

"Captain Sullenberger, you've been cleared for landing."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a real reach, but as part of my effort to bat back every obscure reference, I'll bite. No one cleared him to land. He just touched down in the Hudson River. Killed some birds but saved a lot of lives. An amazing man.)

"My prescription is: do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From a song by KC & The Sunshine Band that has obvious sexual connotations. Not unlike Dylan's Lay Lady Lay.)

"People don't live or die, people just float"--Obligatory Dylan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of course I got it. It's from “Man in the Long Coat,” which appears on the highly under-rated album “Oh Mercy,” released in 1989. In an apparent reference to the Anti-Cap contest, the song also says: “Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force, Somebody is out there beating a dead horse.”)

"I have your test results. I'm sorry, Major Tom, planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first-ever David Bowie-inspired caption. Very nice. The song includes one of the most sarcastic lyrics ever penned: “The papers what to know whose shirt you wear.” )

"As you can see, the cartoonist put one of those stupid things on my head that indicates I'm a doctor, but he couldn't be bothered to give you nipples or a navel...go figure."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bitter irony is the mother's milk of humor, I always say.)

"Sorry I took so long. Had to treat a bunch of burn victims in the sewer system."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always awkward when one cap contest bumps into another, but your point is well taken.)

alinla and Johnny B. A pair of suspenders.

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I miss Johnny. If you see him say hello, he might be in Tangier...and tell him to come back soon.)

Dylan's birthday is over. You can come down now, al.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you're suggesting I got high on Dylan's birthday, you know me too well.)