New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #381

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"I'm Sir Edmund Hillary's nanny ... And you?--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled statement about the toils of child care that's imaginative but only slightly amusing. Sir Edmund Hillary, – or “Eddie Hill” as his boyhood friends no doubt called him – is said to be the first human to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. This suggests he brought his kids in a manner befitting his wealth and privilege. Kind of ironic that a guy with “hill” in his name was a mountain climber. Like a guy named “Bell” inventing the phone, or a guy named “Al” living in Albania, Alabama, Albuquerque or, if you're dyslexic, L.A.)

SECOND PLACE

"Careful, I got this lot by playing with balls."--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure we get it. Here's a helpful foreplay tip: A gentle little stroke or two with perfectly manicured cheery red fingernails? Sure. [French tips are also acceptable.] But don't actually play with them. Guys don't like that.)

THIRD PLACE

"Sure, I can spare an extra diaper."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The guy rolling the rock up the hill does appear to be wearing Pampers. Go figure. This doesn't need the word “extra.” If they're used, trust me you don't want them.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Is this the way to the snowman building contest?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whimsical but illogical. If it was cold enough to maintain the structural integrity of a snowball, the guy is in his underwear would be freezing his balls off. Did you need me to tell you that?)

"Sisyphus, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First cap entered. Obvious but appropriate. Keeping a classic alive is like rolling a boulder uphill barefoot in your underwear. On this, I think we can all agree.)

"Sure they weigh less but you didn't have to give birth to that rock."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If history has taught us anything, it's that the miracle of birth is both is wondrous and, we're told, extraordinarily painful.)

"You mean I've got to do this over and over again for the rest of my life?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not unlike watching the Rangers flounder in the playoffs year after year. [And if you think I'm referring to the Texas team, you know nothing about me.] NOTE: They actually won game four in O.T., and are still alive as I write this...but still.)

Puerto Rican Firefighter's twins ... Jose, and Hose B.--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How about Jose si or, if he's bilingual, Jose oui?)

"Each of my babies weighs a stone, so go fuck yourself, SissyPuss."--British Mom (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A play on “Sisyphus,” with a reference to weight measurements common in old Britannia, and a metaphor for over-burdened moms who see child rearing as a an uphill battle. In other words: I get it. Not funny, but I wanted everyone to know I get it.)

Interesting workout, Senator Vitter."--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Louisiana Senator David Vitter was outed as a client of "DC Madam," Deborah Palfrey. He had a adult baby-fetish and liked wearing diapers. Palfrey committed suicide. Vitter, a staunch family values Republican, remains a sitting senator. What's really interesting is the selective values of scumbags like him.)

"So we get to the top and let them roll back down the hill and that's considered consciousness? Sounds like Susan Smith to me."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She's even worst than Vitter ...or Chaney, even. There is a special place in hell for that horrible women. All I'm gonna say.)

"Ever play Rock, Scissors, Babies?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Baby beats everything. Have one, care for one or cuddle one...you'll see.)

They don't call it Park Slope for nothing.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, they call it Park Slope because it's an inclined area that abuts Prospect Park. Did I mention I'm originally from Brooklyn?)

This Post It is interesting. You will not prompt to me, where I can find more information on this question?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just a sample of the spam this blog attracts from time to time. It makes the cut because it would be unethical to disqualify it on the basis of merit. [There I said it!] )

So, who was your favorite pitcher, Steve Stone or John Rocker?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My answer is Tom Seaver. And in case your are wondering, I have a favorite beer stein but not a favorite vase.)

"What part of 'over the shoulder boulder holder' don't you understand?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very junior high school, but to answer your question: The part that most guys don't understand the part you unhook when you are trying to cop a feel.)

The twins' names? JohnnyA and JohnnyB.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tribute to the enduring legacy to our highly respected, albeit completely untalented, Anti-capper. He has stayed away before . Trust me, he'll be back. [Right Johnny, old buddy?] )

"And NOW you find out you're gonna have to get used to it". 
[Oh my Gosh, a Dylan reference! Dylan, Dylan, spla-oooge, spla-oooge! I can't be out-Dylaned, now let me go change my undies.] --L a r s (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dylan does not arouse me. He inspires me. And, good news for you Lars, assholes don't infuriate me. They entertain me. And that, my dead friends, is why I'm back here week after week. Happy Bob Dylan's Birthday everyone!)