New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #379

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Yeah, I swallow."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled reference to oral sex made more biting – so to speak – by the presence of what appears to be two women. The spit-versus-swallow debate has raged since the time of the cavemen. Further proof that distasteful caps rule the roost here. )

SECOND PLACE

"Oh, we'll have our critics, but, frankly, two ugly white chicks building a nest atop a black man's schwanzstucker is neither desperate nor racist"--desperate, racist girl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very imaginative. Good use of the what I assume is the German word for cock. The tree limb does resemble the business end of a well-endowed black man. And building a nest on his bad boy is not racist, but frankly it does seem a bit desperate.)

THIRD PLACE

"It's been five years since he said he was migrating out for a pack of smokes."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Five years is a bit extreme. But let's all agree he's not coming back.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Lesbian love nest? More like lesbian dysfunctional relationship nest. Bitch."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clearly they have issues but you just know they are going to strip down to bra and panties and make out. Sorry, that's just the way guys think. )

"Now remember, Big Bird's safe word is "armageddon".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Fans of Sesame Street – and their grandfathers-- know that the show begins with “The word on the street.” Now I understand why.)

"When my mother gets back, let her spit regurgitated worm into your mouth. She'll be offended if you don't."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Better that than her tuna casserole. )

"As a last resort, maybe this will finally boost your egg production."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Doubtful, but any port in a storm.)

Funny, ever since I moved in I've lost my taste for balut.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes us to gross imagery that I'm still trying to get out of my head. My advise: Don't click the link.)

"Don't look now Carrie, but there goes Rhymin' Simon."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of get it. Carrie Fisher was indeed married to Paul Simon for a like an hour-and-a-half back in the 80's. Maybe this suggests it was a fly over marriage. Whatever. The album “There Goes Rhymin' Simon” is a classic.)

"I said I liked the Nets. N-E-T-S.."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This gets props because I was born in Brooklyn. But it is beyond trivial. You can like your Nets even more when they resume playing next fall. I'm still a Knicks guy.)

"You're kicking me out of the nest?! I'm being Tebowed!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another NY sports reference. Tim Tebow is the best failed QB we've seen in a long time. Goodbye NFL, hello arena football.)

"No Mr. Bond, she expects us to fly."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What? Who is she talking to? A long way to go to keep a classic alive. That much I respect.)

"A lost merkin for Evrolet girl means free housing for us."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic reference. Google tells us merkin is a “pubic wig” originally worn by prostitutes after they shaved downstairs. Awkward, inaccurate and confusing, but in fairness it expanded my vocabulary by one word. )

"You're on my egg."--Little Girl Older (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The enduring influence of a little girl who won this contest some time ago. She is probably a sophomore at Stanford by now. )

Oh, the cuckoo is a pretty bird that wobbles as she flies.--Holden_C (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Bob Dylan’s “High Water (for Charley Patton),” included on his brilliant 2001 album “Love and Theft.” It barrows from he 1927 song "The Coo Coo bird.” Dylan’s rendition, “The Cuckoo,” is included on the bootleg album “Live at the Gaslight 1962”[which I have, of course]. For the last time people: Don't try to out Dylan me!)

"There were 69 comments when the captioner wrote this. He actually thought that was funny."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Drugs, I guessing. Hallucinogenic drugs. No problem. I don't judge lifestyles, just captions.)

Not an entry. hey alinla, the attached link is to a site devoted to pictures of old Brooklyn. thought you might like it.--Brooklyn pix (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very much appreciated. A random recollection from my Brooklyn youth: At age 10 I delivered groceries for Sam, a Jewish shop keeper. [Which, by the way, paid more than this gig]. One day I noticed he had a faded blue number tattooed on his forearm. With the curiosity of a child, I asked, “Is that your phone number?” He smiled slightly and told me it was from a long time ago, back in the old country. It took me years to realize what that number actually was. Obviously, it stayed with me.)

"I can see Al ... Regurgitate ...Right Now!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An inside look at how Anti-Captions are rendered. Thanks, man. )