New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #371

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Squeaky Fromme, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is remarkably preceptive. Loonie-Tunes-Charles Manson-follower and bumbling assassin, Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme pointed a loaded gun at unelected-president Gerald Ford in 1975. She never got off a shot, but was still sentenced to life. In a fitting tribute to the low regard Ford engendered when he pardoned Nixon, Squeaky was released after 34 years. [A stern warning work have been more appropriate.] Nixon was a criminal and Ford was a pussy for not sending him to the slammer. Extra credit: Kathy was somehow able to control her impluse to add a link explaining all this.)

SECOND PLACE

"Go ahead and shoot! ... 9 lives vs 6 chambers ... Your toast!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Logical and imaginative, albeit not at all funny. And it's “you're,” a contraction for “you are,” as in: “You're a hypocrite if you flag shit like this when you make mistakes like this in your comments all the time.” )

THIRD PLACE

"I get it...The cartoonist drew a gun."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How can I resist? Hiding in plan sight is an obvious pun. Made me smile slightly for like a nano-second. Good enough for a Bronze metal. That's how low the bar is here.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"So, Irving ... You're the one that shot my paw!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another slightly good pun and a boarder-line grammatical error. It probably should be “WHO shot” but since it's an animal, and not a person it's hard to say. )

"Like you can even hold that thing without opposable thumbs."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Common sense dictates: If someone is pointing a gun at you, don't doubt his competence, say something about his mother or dare him to shoot. Trust me on this.)

"Hickory-dickory-dock, suck on my fuckin' Glock- Owwww..."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's not a Glock, of course. It's a revolver. Still this evokes a mouse-related rhyme. Also, Andrew Dice Clay made millions saying piggish things then he lost it all. Remarkably, another has-been,Woody Allen, is now casting this douche in an upcoming film.)

Have you read my book, "I Have No Goddamn Idea Who Moved Your Cheese"?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References a 23-year old book that encourages worker-bees to eat whatever shit is served up by management. A bland entry but boneguy has been in a slump lately so I decided to throw him a you-know-what.)

"I know what you're thinking. Did he use up nine lives or only eight. Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as that is a .44 Micron, the least powerful handgun in the world, and would touch my head and bounce clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of several movie references. The trouble with this is that Dirty Harry said it while pointing his gun, not talking is way out of being shot. As such it is deeply flawed, but it does, at least, include the proper use of “you're.” )

"Look. If you leave the gun, you can take the cannoli."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But with a gun, he can have both. That's just the way it works.)

"Just like a gun to bring a mouse to a cat fight."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just like a cat to ignore authority. )

Pussy: I'm Mr. Goldfinger's personal pilot.

Mouse: Oh? Just how personal is that?

Pussy: I'm a damn good pilot. Period.--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another hair ball of a cap. Flawed logic is a constant companion of this contest.)

"Look, Mickey ... I had nothing to do with Minnie's disappearance. Last I heard she was acting strange ... I think she was fucking Goofy!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Then she landed on Pluto, I'm guessing. )

Christ, what a mouse hole.

And

Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your gun has no clip on.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I didn't suspect he was a stalker, I'd give Johnny my home address to make it easier for him to mail it in. )

"Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few know how to dance!...Sorry. Just kill me now."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the mouse would say “What do you do you do to a cat with three balls?...Walk him, and pitch to the dog"... and then he'd shoot him. )

Okay, okay, it's true: I misunderstood your caption, I insulted you, I tried being clever and failed, I left contests unjudged for months. But I'll change my ways. just don't kill me. I swear I'll do anything you ask.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ouch Johnny! That smarts! Still if you are the mouse and the gun is your wit, the cat knows only blanks will be fired—pointless, ill conceived, unfunny, predictable blanks. My comments, of course, are like glue traps for the likes of you.)