New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #370

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Koko likes to fling his shit against the wall to see what sticks and George here is also in adveristing."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Except for Steve's inability to correctly spell “advertising,” this is slightly clever [notice I didn't say cleaver!]. Still, who is the guy talking to? Remember, ad people say half of the money spent on advertising is wasted -- but no one knows which half.)

SECOND PLACE

"When I said I found the missing link I wasn't talking about a cocktail sausage."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Something a slightly drunk party host would say to break the ice – if in fact he had an ape at his party. That's why this too is slightly funny but sadly it doesn't have a dirty word. That's just lazy.)

THIRD PLACE

"Frank, meet Theo Epstein. He just flew in from Boston and boy are their arms tired."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Theo, of course, is the baboon who presides over the team of jackasses destined to finish last in the A.L east this year. The tired arms comment gives it street cred because that's something baseball people say. NOTE: Any erroneous info in this comment is included to see who's paying attention. The premise that Boston Sucks is unassailable. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Just remember Jenkins, the price of bananas, knuckle walking and Charlton Heston are topics best avoided.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The whole creationism versus evolution thing is probably also off-limits. Would have worked better if it said “knuckle DRAGGING.” )

"Now come on guys! Calm down! Can't we all agree that Fox News AND NPR are both tainted by a political agenda?"--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! NRP is to Fox what Shakespeare is to “The Little Engine That Could.” )

"In this establishment we adhere to the Marquess of Queensberry rules and mandatory standing eight-count. Now, finish your drinks and get to your respective corners."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid and confusing. Why are they fighting and wouldn't the ape have his way with Mr. Pasty-Faced White Boy? Never-the-less Kathy once again demonstrates that she knows a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. )

"Don't be scared; it has been two days and the pit bull is almost well enough to eat and the whore that hangs around here is getting the swelling down from the tooth extraction. I just need you two to shake hands and no more sucker punch knockouts Mr. Cheney."--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What? I am totally lost, but if it's ridiculing Cheney I'm on board. Moving forward, let's try and focus on being coherent, Don-Don.)

"Fred, this is Bob Mankoff. He used to be the cartoon editor at some third rate magazine in New York City."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of several captions that leaves it to the reader to assume who's who. Mankoff, of course, is the Grand Exalted Poobah of the Malevolent Order of Caption Contests. I'd bet a $1,000 I could beat him in arm wrestling.)

"Okay, okay. We all agree, if Mankoff has taught us anything, it's that irony is more important that artistic ability."--Charles Addams, Peter Arno, Charles Barsotti ….--(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Signed by a laundry list of cartoonists whose work has appeared in the NYer. Take that Bob "Too-High-And-Mighty-To-Respond-To al in la's-Email" Mankoff.)

"Bob, you have something in common with al. He also judges a caption contest."--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we are left to wonder who's who. I do wear glasses so I'd guessing I'm the one on the right.)

Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a monkey could do it.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Less ambiguous, but can we all agree that the monkey will now need a computer and the willingness to devote his free time to creating merriment for unappreciative sad -sacks who aren't particularly funny?)

"I've got to stay here in this stupid cartoon, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go suck each other off until this thing blows over."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I said this was the funniest thing I've ever heard, I would be doing so only to demonstrate that I know the origin of this cap. I'd really rather see Dylan references, to be honest.)