New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #355

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

I heard this got the turkey pardoned every time during the Clinton presidency.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For Thanksgiving, Mrs. al in la and I are headed to a large family gathering where we are likely to be the only Obama voters on hand. [They set up a nice little table for us in the garage.] Not that any of them will read this, but I thought it best to pick an Anti-Cap that is undeniably funny in a cheap shot kind of way that's bound to draw a chuckle from Fox News lovers—you know in the spirit of the holiday. Besides Monica reportedly signed a book deal for $12 mil. For that kind of dough I'd...well let's just say I'd eat what ever kind of turkey was dangled in front of me.)

SECOND PLACE

"They're a kind of built-in gravy strainer- for making criss-cross-dressing."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another weird get funny interpretation that has a practical element. Remember if straining your gravy with hosiery, pantyhose work better.)

THIRD PLACE

“Beast cancer. I'm having them both removed November 22."--HILDA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I have not forgotten that we are supposed to celebrate gross insensitive, stupid humor. At least we can all agree this one is not entirely tasteless—if it's cooked properly, I mean.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"The farmer's son idea. He says tonight I'll find out why.--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess the sheep were busy. This shit writes itself.)

"And then I said, 'Oh, baby, stuff me hard with your nuts. Push that baster in, harder! Taste my juices, mmmm, you're getting me so hot!'"--Hennie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trouble is: It takes hours to get a turkey hot enough to eat. Luckily we have football.)

"No longer FREE Range! I'm now a prostitute in the 'Hunts Point' section of the Bronx!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you saw the HBO's documentary on the subject you know there is a sad truth here.)

"I wonder why they named us Barack and Mitt?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Posted before the election so good natured Kathy can be forgiven for not picking sides. The hardliners sold out to support Mitt. Now these turkeys  are eating crow.)

"You have to do what you have to do to survive the annual Holocaust, and this is what the farmer likes in a farm animal. If only I didn't feel so dirty."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least this is one turkey that doesn't have to give head.)

"Why, yes, I was the model for the lamp in A Christmas Story."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Obvious and unfunny but the new musical is getting raves. And Kathy always comes up with links no one wants or needs. That's why she's as cute as Ralphie in the bunny suit.)

"Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a previous Anti-Cap entry. And Cage has made a few turkeys in his career, and turkeys are often kept in cages, and there is something called a turkey shoot [spoiler alert: It doesn't go the turkey's way]...so this has all the elements.)

"But you're gonna have to serve somebody."--Roberta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan reference to which I can only say: You may be rich or poor, you be blind or lame, maybe living in another country under another name...but you still gotta eat turkey on Thanksgiving.)

"The hose here are obscene."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And out requisite classic cap. And they're only obscene if  worn by someone who should not be wearing them. Nuff said. )

"The whores here are avian."--Frank Purdue (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I takes a tough man to make it with a tender bird.)

"I need the young, female undecideds, and I approve this caption."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't forget to give them free stuffing. And yes I too approve. )

“But most people don't want cross-dressing on their turkey, I find."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But turkeys who cross-dress are fine. Go figure. )

"Maybe I should change into flats while I'm waiting for al to judge the contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No! Stay just like that. Now turn around. Yeah, that's it. Daddy's home! )

"Don't judge me!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I did judge this I'd say it is bland and --  Anti-Cap-wise -- not nearly tasteless enough.)

al, you lazy bastard!. Where are you?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In L.A. Can't you read? And I'm not lazy, I'm preoccupied trying to get occupied. Does that make sense? Happy Thanksgiving everyone!)