New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #348

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Christ, what a giant asshole!"-- Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's been said that the an appropriate caption for any NYer cartoon is "What is this, some kind of a joke?" That certainly works with this one. But another  cap suited to nearly every cartoon ever inked is: "Christ what an asshole." It, or variations of it,  surface in nearly every Anti-Cap contest [especially when JohnnyB is stuck for something.]  Still, the "Christ" caps are usually shoehorned in at the bottom along the with The Hours Here Are Obscene....No Mr Bond... and a parrot that everyone knows is a clip on. Here, it gets top honors for reasons both obvious and alarming. The republican nominee has proven himself to be the worse type of asshole: an asshole who knows he's an asshole but wants to dupe you into thinking the real assholes are those who expose him as an asshole. As such he doesn't give a shit if you think he's an asshole because that only proves you are an asshole. As a fitting tribute to this enduring yet often over-looked caption I have sandwiched a variation between each winning cap.)

SECOND PLACE 

Not long ago, they all faced left, toward Massachusetts."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  You could have stopped after "left." That would have made the point about him  being a flip-flopper. Massachusetts is not a liberal mecca--it's also where the Red Sox play so lets' not lionize the place. Even so, when you  listen to things he has said in the past and what he says now, Mitt reveals himself to be a duplicitous, opportunist, dog abusing, non-beer drinking empty suit whose true calling was to be a  model for JC Penny.)

THIRD PLACE

"Combine the political humor of the election with the moai humor of the New Yorker; it's a no-brainer! We tested audiences, and they laughed. Why aren't you laughing?......I can destroy you."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Makes me wonder if someone at the NYer said something like "You know, we did an Easter Island theme not to long ago." Or maybe someone else pointed out that a cartoon obviously mocking Romney would reinforce the NYer's image as a bastion of  cynical, elitist, taxi-t0-work while-cel-phoning, chardonnay-drinking liberals. I actually though it was a pretty stupid cartoon to be honest.) 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"We're not sure but we think it had something to do with the end of western civilization." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cautionary cap, but if what we see in the cartoon depicts  what remains of  western cizilivation, wouldn't the hair on at least one graven image be a little mussed up?) 

"Hello. I am slightly unshaven, wearing a tie, and holding a clipboard. I appear to be surveying a tourist with a 25-year old camera."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I assume this is someone who has never submitted an Anti-Cap before and simply figured they would simply  jott down exactly what they saw. Can't be any worst than the other shit people submit, he or she figured. Your instincts are impeccable. Welcome aboard. Now make up some name for your self and submit something a tiny bit interesting--you know baby steps.)

And this ancient civilization established the policies that the Republican Party still espouses to the present day.--Angus Podgorny  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A stalwart Anti-Capper whose entries are all over the map, Angus posted this little gem twice. Totally by accident, he claims. He actually had the class and grace to offer a lame excuse:  " Oh, so *that's* how captions accidentally get submitted twice: by hitting the back arrow of the browser and then the forward arrow. Sorry."   No apology necessary, my friend.  Still, your cap is deeply flawed. Today's crop of republicans do not espouse, they exploit.  They too wish to hit the back arrow--but not innocently, the way you did.)

"He's getting his 'Schmucks in a Row'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  First off: Schmuck is a Yiddish word for penis--not very Mormon. And there is only one schmuck,  but apparently he has been duplicated--so this may be a cautionary tale. Another theory: This is a thinly failed reference to polygamy. The well coffered idols [literally headstones, you'll notice] are markers for wifes dispatched for the sake of politician expediency. Probably not true but Mitt uses desperation the way bakers use dough.)

We call this art installation " Seamus' Revenge".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Seamus, of course is the Romney family dog who was transported for hundreds of miles in brutal weather  conditions while locked into a cage strapped to the car roof.  Okay. Not exactly Schindler's List. And I personally think it would have been a lot worst if he had the dog's leash tied to the bumper. [Later claiming, "He loved it. He's quite the runner you know."] Still, it was the kind of thing that only an asshole would do. While the dog is now  dead, others ---including humans of course--could piss on images of Mitt.  That's the point of this cap.)

The idols' hair here have sheen.--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A somewhat agreeable cap unless it is referring to motion picture idol Martin Sheen-who also has graying hair and a square jaw.)

"I brought a couple of Mittues- do you mind?" (pronounced 'Mitt-choose' = subliminal message? Hmmm....)--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is clear that a fair amount of thought went into this.  The effort to explain what the hell you are talking about is appreciated but baffling.)

"I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fuck over all of the workers or just the low wage workers?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a self-entitled scum-bag, the most powerful rich prick mormon in the world, and wants to ruin your life to make his rich friends even richer, you've got to ask yourself one question: Why would I vote for this human garbage who worships false idols and bares false witness against his neighbor? Well, why would ya, punk?"--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A considerable amount of thought went into this. I have long been a big fan of Clint Eastwood's and I personally believe High Plains Drifter is up there with The Godfather. I was very disappointed by his appearance at the GOP gabfest.  For decades Clint's presence has been understated yet forceful. His persona speaks of  live-and-live common sense, mingled with a don't-fuck-with-me sensibility. It should be a template for all men. Also, a persistent message in the Dirty Harry movies was that a corrupt system thrives on disinformation.  Clint had some fun and hyped his new movie but it now appears he is siding the wide lapel suits who used to say: "Callahan! This time you've gone to far!"  This time I agree.

"Hey......I gots to know!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The desperate line from the perp staring down the barrel of Harry's  .44.  All of the other cartoons included were unrelated to the captions--except this one.