New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #344

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WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE 

"Oh, great. My balls itch."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oddly appropriate. Here's this guy hanging precariously from a building. If he gives his boys downstairs a scratch, he's liable to topple to a his death.  Made me laugh. Made Mrs. alinla laugh. Nuff said.) 

SECOND PLACE
Fucking 9-11 reenactors. I should have stuck with the Civil War.--Atta boy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If  you were thinking this would be rejected as "too soon"  you're mistaken. With the possible exceptions of cheap shots about me, Dylan or the Mets, nothing is off limits here. And far from mocking 9-11 victims this cap pokes fun at those who like to dress up and play solider. It also uses dark humor to remind us that the bottomless pit of horror that day included those poor souls who opted to leap instead of  burn. So, why didn't this win? The addition of the second sentence. It's a clumsy and unnecessary attempt to explain the cap. We all got it right away.) 

THIRD PLACE 
"Never, no matter how we look at it or when we do it, it will never, ever be funny".--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another buzz-kill cap that has some poignancy. The foursome with suicide notes in hand are set to off themselves--nothing funny there unless they're all Red Sox fans or Romney voters [See? I made it funny.]  A statement cap submitted by someone with the soul of a poet.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"HELP! ... Get his pecker off my woody!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks Doc for bringing the focus back where it should be: juvenile, low-brow humor and painful puns.) 

"My dentist on the 69th floor recommends a gargoyle as often as possible!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Possibly the worst pun ever entered in the history of this contest. That's like being the best short stop to ever come out of the Dominican Republic. )

"OK, I got the dirt from the eagle's nostril. What's next on the treasure hunt list?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I think you mean scavenger hunt but let's not quibble.  This is probably the best effort to explain what they are doing out there. Next items on their list: lint from the navel of a psychopath and change for a dollar without making a purchase.) 

"Get me...P A N D O L P H ! "--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The ever-helpful Kathy provides a link to the cartoonist's blog.  Seems like a nice enough guy. Turns out he has done work for MAD magazine. I assume that's on his resume above the NYer stuff.) 

"What's that? You say they caught the guy who invented those Bob Dylan quotes?! --Phew, that was close!"--The Real Bobby D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So what? A  guy got fired from the NYer for ripping off Dylan quotes or something. Reminded me: When I was a magazine editor I got a piece that began: "Someone once said 'The times they are a changin'. "  Let's just say I sent it back to the writer for sourcing, than had to fight with a copy editor who said  changin'  wasn't a word. Being editor of an obscure trade journal involves more  than press junkets and cocktail parties, you know. ) 

"I don't care that the South Tower just fell - this is our office now - get back to work. Just be thankful we ended up here."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This ridicules asshole bosses. The team here is probably working on an ad campaign for a product no one wants [once again Romney springs to mind]--but they're on deadline so.... ) 

"I've decided to leave the company to pursue other interests."--smuck(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Business journalists know that "left to pursue other interests" is corporate-speak for "got shit canned."  If they say the departure was  "mutually agreed upon" that means the exec was busted for a DWI with a gram of coke in his pocket and a transvestite hooker in his car.) 

Let me get this straight . If I let go, Mayor Bloomberg will catch me.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Only if you have a joint in your pocket, in which case, when he does catch you, you'll be made to empty your pockets. When the joint surfaces you'll be arrested for displaying marijuana in public. Under the direction of Mayor-for-life Bloomberg, the NYPD arrested more than 50,000 people this way last year. Readers of the NYer need not worry though. Overwhelming they were black and Hispanic young men.)

Tom: "One mediocre picture - Larry Crowne - and I'm 86ed with you assholes. Just Go With It was so bad, Jennifer and Adam are BOTH out here."

Seth Meyers: "Dragnet."

Tom: "What?"
Seth Meyers: "Dragnet sucked, too."
Tom: "You're fucking dead, Meyers...help me up?"
Seth: "No. But I'll catch you if I can."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of an impromptu meeting of actors who screwed the pooch career-wise. But the NYC setting makes no sense. It would be slightly whimsical  if they were lunching at some pretentious Hollywood eatery and this type of seating is now the best table they can get. ) 

"Chrysler, what an asset transfer to ease crude oil prices!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Nice spin on Christ what an asshole, but, tell me again, why are they sitting outside?) 

"Chrysler, what an asshole!"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not nearly as good as the previous cap but less intellectually burdensome.) 

“Shut up, Bob, everyone knows this statue is a gryphon.”--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Since the original involved a clip-on parrot, the bird theme makes a little bit of sense--but not much.)

The aeries here are obscene--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Latin word aeries can mean: air, atmosphere, ether, weather etc. It's also where the Irish airline Aer Lingus gets its name.  A bit of a reach, but  since  Johnny is never one to complain and remains a beloved figure in this contest we'll give him props.)

"I'm thinking of writing a letter to the editor."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Tim linked to a 1995 letter in the NY Times extolling the aesthetics of the Chrysler Building. It's a puffy ode crammed with superfluous language, hyperbole  and phrases favored by people trying to sound smart  [i.e. "the smaller--yet worthy--brother..."].  It definitely sounds like our Tim. And how's this for a smoking gun: It is signed by one "Tim Hanley, MANHATTAN."  This may be Tim's worst AND most revealing cap.) 

"Hey! How come that Margaret Bourke-White gets her own eagle head?!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a highly accomplished pioneering photographer she earned it--but you knew that already, didn't you Kathy?)  

"That idiot alinla told me you could see Vermont from here. WRONG!"---Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I never made such a claim but I will tell you this: The folks in Vermont can see NYC  just fine, and few if any would trade places with those they dismissively call "city-folk.") 

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