New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #342

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WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE

"I object to my appearance in a real-life New Yorker cartoon! My creation in Seinfeld was intended as a commentary on how unfunny those cartoons are and, quite frankly, this blatant act of co-optation reeks of desperation on the part of a magazine blind to its own irrelevance! Also, my wife is a slut!"--George Martin Fell Brown  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious choice given the history of this cartoon. The "My-wife-is-a-slut" part made it a slam-dunk. Still, I disagree with GMFB's harsh assessment. In my view the NYer's decision to run it was a bold and long over-due move that hints at the magazine's playfully wit and its willingness to needle its core demographic [represented here by the pig, of course]. Either that or someone missed a deadline. It could be this  had been languishing for years in a file labeled  "Emergency Complaining Pig Cartoon." Whatever brought it out of mothballs is not the issue. It's a powerful image that offers irony and ambiguity. Maybe it is poking fun at pampered people who still find reasons to complain. Perhaps it suggests that those who complain are usually losers.  Caption-wise the  real irony is that the pig is complaining that something reeks.)

SECOND PLACE

I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From "Maggie's Farm,"  this is one of the best uses of a Dylan quote ever seen in this contest.  Often, a person perceived as a "pig" is just a non-conformist. That's something that's easy to forget when you watch one eat.)

THIRD PLACE

"Me patty, I am the archetch that desinghned and over swa this mall, dose anyone call be "Patty the mall desighner"? No! Me patty I desighn all the roads in and out of town does anyone call me "Patty the road desighner"? No but just one time I sleep with you, all I get is, "Hey, Patty you pig fucker come here".--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Is "patty" the pig? Or is she the woman behind the counter? If it's the pig, who else would he be expected to screw but another pig? If it's the woman talking, why would she say this to the pig?. Also there seems to be an assumption that bad spelling is the a common trait of pigs. I recent that. Still, this reminds us that we are often defined by the stupidest thing we do.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"My best friend is lost somewhere in this mall. Can you call her on the PA? Her name is Ann Beans."--The 'Other' White Meat (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, I get it "pork and beans." I did not need the additional cap explaining it to me.  It's stupid because they would only page "Ann Beans" thus losing the comic thrust of the pork pun.  This is something Mike Hunt and Anita Mann know all too well.)

"I'd like to complain about some defective straw."-Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See below.)

I want a refund. The straw you sold me was crap. Oh, and the receipt blew away.--Johnny (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  These two caps may be a comment on pigs who make bad decisions--or perhaps a statement about the need for tougher building code standards. But what about some accountability for the wolf who huffed and puffed then blew the house down? This also touches on the inability of law enforcement to protect the most vulnerable among us  from predators. There's a lot going on with these two caps but that doesn't mean they don't suck.)

The straw house will be fine. The wolf in my story has end-stage COPD.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Same vein as the other two, but bonebuy is so smart he gave the wolf a malady that would prevent him from blowing the house down. Sadly, boneguy is not smart enough to realize this also makes the caption illogical since the pig is not actually complaining about anything. If he had only thrown in at the end, "Oh, and my wife is a slut.")

"Pushing that alarm button won't help. It's only going to bring more pigs!"--Uncle Rifle  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Years ago when it was fashionable for hippies and felons to call cops "pigs," the PBA in NYC had a poster that said "P.I.G." stood for  "Pride, Intelligence and Guts." "Think of that the next time they call you a pig," it said. That stayed with me.)

You're a little late. The Sandusky trial ended two weeks ago.--boneguy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pigs don't rape children, but your point is well taken.)

"Did you realize that not ONE eatery in your food court sells slop?"--Jimmy Dean  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Look harder, Porky.  )


"I DO NOT have to put up with these insults!"--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: After adding countless links of little or no value, veteran Anti-Capper Kathy H. provided one that offers dozens of movie sounds bites from Meg Ryan's famous organism scene in "Harry Met Sally" to Don Vito's "I'll make him an offer..." I played like 20 of these for Mrs. alinla to see which see could identify [she got almost all of them].  Thanks Kathy. This is a very useful and entertaining link even if it has no apparent relation to the cartoon.) 

"I want to complain that Kathy H's 'insults' link is an epic fail! Apparently she was trying to get the sound bite from Animal House where the co-ed says, 'That boy is a P.I.G. pig!' Like I said, epic!"--Kathy H's Keeper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh. Now I get it. Turning her in was the right thing to do!)

[Alright, Anonymous -- if that's your real name -- I voted for what's his name's sister. But, do you really think her caption is better than my Anti-Cap Contest FIRST PRIZE "asinine cap"? I'm just sayin'. Oh, and alinla, I know a good Midtown pawn shop where you can pick up a pair or testicles, cheap.]--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is stupid because everyone knows there is not even one pawnshop left in Mid-town, although there are dozens of Starbucks.)

"Okay, Anonymouse (if that's your real name), your Anti-cap was clearly much better. It is now incumbent upon Alinla to kidnap Mankoff, drive to LA with him, force him to sign a print, and then send it to you. Anything less would be a clear violation of the spirit of this mock contest. Oh- and I wish I was taller."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all wish you were funnier. And its not a "mock contest" it's a contest that mocks a contest. Also alinla in all lower-case.)

I brought along a couple of piglets. Do you find?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A desperate attempt to offer up a classic. This is not awful but, once again, my complaint about this cap is that it is not a complaint.)     

The hours here are porcine--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: : The usually reliable boneguy continues to struggle.) 

"If I don't act right, dress right, become halfway educated, avoid extreme eye contact, don't move too quickly or make sudden movements, talk in a low voice, make over 50k a year, don't smoke, don’t drink, don't drive fast, except women in the work force, don't own guns, don't swear...This is the way you perceive me".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S  COMMENT: No, but if you enter a rambling, incoherent cap and say "except" when you mean "accept" you will be perceived as a dick. You really should consider becoming halfway educated.)

"I got rid of my first husband. He was Muslim and wouldn't go down on me."--Sylvester STYllone (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least that's what he told you. Didn't you ever wonder why he wore a St. Christopher metal?)  

"Why does JCPenney have a `complaints' mirror?"-- Damon   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me think why this cartoon is bogus. No one actually has a "Complain Department" anymore. Still, the mirror is often the perfect place to lodge your most persistent complaints.) 

Note to Alinla: Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. On the weeks you're too busy, just pick a 1st, 2nd, & 3rd and post without editorial comment. Or, alternatively, deputize someone to fill in during those weeks. (JohnnyB seems to have a lot of time on his hands.)Just a suggestion...--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Noted. Now get lost.)

The pig says, "Alinla isn't on vacation. He quit the contest out of disgust."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's reassuring is that the pig is complaining about this development.) 

alinla misunderstands the point of my captions.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe your captions don't have a point.)