New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #341

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"I am a turtle but the cartoonist is "God""--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent commentary on a lame cartoon. Much the way the real God created countless objects, places and people that defy explanation, the bozo who drew this cartoon simply sent a turtle air-born with some ducks. [Chico Marx might ask: "Why a duck? Why a-no chicken?"] The cartoon is your basic mail-in job  reinforcing the suspicion that the NYer's stable of cartoonist hate the cap contest. One of the reasons I dragged my feet doing this one was because I thought the cartoon was crappy--that and I was busy, traveling and unwilling to pay United Airlines $17 for a wi-fi hookup.)

SECOND PLACE

"I'm stoked. I just put a deposit on my dream car."--Anderson Pooper  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a slight variation on an entry I saw posted for another caption contest. [Not as cool as this one so don't bother looking.] It had two birds perched on a wire and one says to the other: "I feel great! I just put a deposit on a new car." It took me a second to get that one but because I did I got this one.)

THIRD PLACE

"Okay, now let's see you pull your head halfway to your ass."--Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is very cynical. It suggests that a turtle who somehow figured out how to fly would be a jerk about it. Another instance of  people assigning to animals petty behavior that is the sole domain of humans. Granted, the ability to instantaneously pull your head out of harm's way is a very useful skill.  ) 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

You mean to tell me that I'm the flock's only dues paying NRA member?--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Between the time this was posted and these results where finally hatched, some deranged piece of shit let loose a barrage of bullets in a packed movie theater. He had three guns and his ammo was delivered by FedX. Predictably, NRA-supporters cautioned against "politicizing the tragedy." This cap would work even better if it was an ostrich instead of a turtle.)

"Last year I ran with the bulls in Pamploma."--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turtles don't really run, but they don't actually fly either. Remember, like many things in life,  flying is only dangerous if you don't know how to do it.)

As Senate Minority Leader, I should be in front of this gaggle of silly goose Republicans.--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aside from being a lying hypocritical scum bag, Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell does indeed look like a turtle. Remember, it was McConnell who denounced Democrats in '06 for demanding that troops come home from Iraq. According to G. W. Bush's book "Decision Points," he was simultaneously cajoling the President to "bring some troops home" to score points for Republicans. An editorial in the Louisville Courier-Journal at the time demanded to know "why the fortunes of the Republican Party are of greater importance than the safety of the United States." When confronted with this question from his hometown paper, McConnell ate a fly and pulled his head into his shell.)

"Don't mind me; I'm just skydiving."--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  When you think about it, the animal best suited for skydiving would probably be the turtle. Maybe this captures the precise instance where he is passing a flock of birds during his decent.  Kind of explains this implausible image. Still, where's his chute?)

I've looked at geese from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's goose illusions I recall

I really don't know geese at all--Joni M.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Goose illusions" sounds like a brand of personal lubricant, but really, what's the point of this? The song bastardized here may have been penned by Joni, but Judy had the definitive version of this sad but brilliant song.)

"I'm new at this. Tell me when to crap." --Anonymouse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds us that no car owner has ever complained about turtle shit.)

"You'd think O'Hare would be faster, but it's not."--O. Tortoise  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A complex pun with double-edged commentary. This will hit home with travelers familiar with Chicago's notoriously inefficient airport as well as toddlers familiar with a fable about a tortoise beating a hare in a foot race.)

"I'm the Allstate Turtle. We're the top-dog insurer around here, so kindly reverse direction, or you'll all be Af-lacking a pulse after my boys get their good hands on you."--

Damon  

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this was entered my Matt Damon poking fun at his less talented buddy Ben Affleck, who hates it when people make the Aflac duck sound when they see him. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it, okay?)

"Helium suppositories."--Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Equal measures gross and imaginative. The A.P. reports that "army doctors in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba use suppository  devices to administer sedatives to unruly prisoners." This is a clinical way of saying that if someone locked up in Gitmo gets really pissed off, they bend him over and ram something up his ass--and it's all legal, medically sound even. I for one would not find that calming.)

"Christ, what a tort-ass"--Dex   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is terrible but it made me think of  a Harry Chapin song that includes the lines: "His foot nudged the break to slow him down, but the petal floored easy with out a sound...He said "CHRIST!"...It was funny that he had named the only man who could save him now..."  RIP Harry.)

"Christ, what a fast fowl."--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse. Jim, stop going for low hanging fruit. How about an "Hours here are obscene" variation or something worthwhile for a change?)

No, Mr. Loon. I expect you to die.-- Zak S   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Worst Bond riff ever.)

"I hear the Anti-Caption Judge can't update this contest while recuperating from an unfortunate amorous encounter with some type of bovid."--Impatient Observer  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Having recently visited Vermont, I can tell you there is no such thing as an "unfortunate amorous encounter with bovid." If you get my drift.)

"No, Al's not dead. He's just really important."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I'm neither. Still, reminds me of a line from the "Larry Sanders Show." When Larry tells his producer Artie to "be there or be square," the old man assures him, "I can do both!"  )

"Someone said it would take Al longer to judge this contest than it would take a turtle to fly. But what the fuck do they know?"--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please spare me the straw man argument or I will remind everyone that someone said Demon hasn't won this thing in a long, long time.) 

"Like I told the pig in the department store---alinla must have missed his flight."---blw  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I missed a bus to NYC and the train to Vermont was sold out, but my flights when smooth--thank you. I'll get to the pig soon enough.)

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Shit!  ---Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is either the most creative or the absolutely worst Anti-cap of all time. Still, I think I see breasts--either that or Homer Simpson, so I gave it minor props.  Never do anything like this again--okay?)