New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #343

WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE 

Stay right here. I have to zip over to Gesthemene to pick up crazy Jew who thinks he's God.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The bible says Gesthemene was the garden where Jesus and his crew hung.  Judas knew this and tipped off the cops--the rest is history. [Remarkably, at the time it was a crime to claim you were God. Now, it's a career move.] This is all explained in the Dylan song "In The Garden." )

SECOND PLACE

If we're not home by midnight, this thing turns into a Pontiac Aztek."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Car buffs will be impressed. The 2001 Aztek was one of the most ill-fated car intros since the Edsel. Dan Neil, the only car critic to ever win a Pulitzer, said it "looks like  something that dogs bark at and cathedrals employ to ring bells." Nice esoteric reference, Damon.)

THIRD PLACE

"You say sex pervert. I say horse enthusiast."

["Borrowed" from The Rejection Collection, Vol.2: The Cream of the Crap.]--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A bit of a reach, but click the link and you'll learn the NYer considers as many as 500 cartoons and settles on about 20 that end up in the magazine.  Not surprisingly, many of those jettisoned are perfect Anti-Cap fodder, but nothing more.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Gladiator? He barely knew her!--Dex  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Slightly provocative but somewhat clumsy. The far more common -- and innocent -- derivation is "Tissue? I hardly know you."  To briefly translate for the pun-impaired, in this cap the man in the roman garb is "glad he ate her."  See? It's an oral sex reference. But who is making this comment. Why does his lack of familiarity with her mean he can't, you know.) 

"I know it has been a long time that is why I have come back from the future to get you and yes I have the key to that chastity belt".--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly cute and if you look closely, the woman's hands seem to be awkwardly positioned it a manner  that is--I'm guessing-- consistent with the wearing of a chastity belt. But if he is from the future, why is he dressed as though he is from the past? Answer me that, why don't you?)

"If you're an Islanders fan, come with me. I know the way to the Coliseum."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If you are an Islander's fan you probably know that as a Rangers fan, I grew up hating your team the way Holocaust survivors hate Nazis [Which, by the way, is 1/100th of the hatred I feel for the Flyers.] And yes, I still say Potvin sucks.)

"I've been searching through the ages for the woman of my dreams; come away with me, for now I know you've always Ben Hur."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure he dresses weird and makes asshole puns, but upon hearing this she weighs her options and asks, "Come away? Where?" She's pushing 40, has a dead-end job and no prospects.  She' s open to the offer but wants to know what kind of clothes to bring.)

"Look, Mrs. alinla, once you, al and I get through the Lincoln Tunnel, California is just 87 days away. I mean, those idiots waiting for results of the Anti-Cap Contest will just have to deal with it."--Spart A. Cuss (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A couple of things: Mrs alinla was not with for my trip back east. When I flew back home direct from Kennedy, takeoff was around 11:30 am and I landed at LAX just after 2pm [yes I'm aware of the time change, but still.] Most important, I do not consider Anti-Cappers to be idiots. Ungrateful rabble whose ethics, standards and sense of decency has been compromised by cynicism and a persistent lack of talent, maybe, but there are no idiots here.)

Like I told the turtle and the pig---be patient, Rome wasn't built in a day."---blw  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a comment on the tardiness of the results. I have leaned that a better approach is to say nothing. Let people guess, worry and dread the day when their  volunteer Anti Cap judge is either dead or found something more worthwhile to do with his time [clubbing baby seals, say.]  Which will come first is anyone's guess.)

al,  Just want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This too could be another dig at the slowness of the results. Remember, sarcasm is the grumpy man's wit. )

"Hop in. You'd be an idiot to try and get a cab outside the Port Authority during rush hour."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While I was waiting, one of those 3-wheeled bicycle-cabs happened by and offered me a ride. I thought about it for a second or two but opted to walk. I would have felt like a total dick having some guy peddle me across town (and I would have been sheltered from the rain.) The point is I have my standards.)