The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #338

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"I see you've found a way to compensate for your lack of talent."--Air Stein (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This may be dull but it's insightful. The cultural landscape is dotted with no-talent assholes who believe girth is synonymous with grandeur. If you can't do it well, do it in an obnoxious in-your-face way that will assure notice. That's just how we roll--and not just here at the Anti-Cap contest, although admittedly we cling to that approach more than most. )

SECOND PLACE

"AA already has a big book!"--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was entered by a relative of mine who had the courage and self discipline to confront the demons that were haunting his life. I know he entered this because he did so after letting me use his computer to post the Superman-on-a-plane cartoon. [Mrs al in la and I were visiting for a few days.] After showing him the cartoon and explaining the Anti Cap concept [such as it is], he said he had a cap of his own he wanted to throw on the heap. I promised him at least an Honorable Mention, then upgraded him to Second Place when he made us a great dinner [the only Anti-Capper ever to do so]. I realize this is blatant nepotism, but you have to appreciate the transparency. )

THIRD PLACE

"'Kama Sutra' called, they're looking forward to the life-sized second edition!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  It makes no sense to say "Kama Sulta called."  It's like saying "the phone book called..." Still, the cap seeks to find a practical application for such a huge book.  As it happens "looking forward" is also a popular position found in the book. This may have been funnier if she suggested he was creating "the Kama Sutra for Dummies." ) 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I'm leaving you, Dan, for a better-drawn cartoon character."--wgh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Just a reminder: Mocking the cartoonist is a sure way to curry favor here. )

No doubt another mastepiece by Alexander Dumbass.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminded me of a scene in the film "Shawshank Redemption" where the imates are sifting through books for the prison library. When one of them comes across "The Count of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas, he pronounces the author's name as "Dumbass," thus giving me a fool proof way to remember this bit of literary trivia.) 

"By any chance, did you graduate from Penn?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not much to see here. The take away: "Penn" is short for the University of Pennsylvania and "pen" is the name of the writing implement being used by a character in the cartoon  Penn is an ivy league university that is not affiliated with Penn State--a point that will be the focus of their marketing efforts in the post-pedophile era.)

"So you know a lot of big words! Big deal!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to say if he is a pompous jerk or she is just clueless. The point:  Ill-informed people often take umbrage at smart people stuff like big words. Really stupid people think that "big words" refers to words printed in large type. Too bad Kathy did not provide a link explaining her intention.)

"I know but Big does me no good if I am not getting any".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The last cap entered. The sexual innuendo here suggests that he is well hung but refuses to pleasure her.  Similarly a book, no matter how big it is, is worthless if it sucks. The point is I read all the caps.)


Would you stop fucking that giant book and come in to dinner?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The writer's prone position leads Johnny to conclude this is a sex act.  The "come-to-dinner part" reveals Johnny's bourgeois values.  Overall, the caption confirms all you need to know about our "special" Anti-Capper.)

"Evrolet girl called - she wants her journal back."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to a previous contest. Lame and tired.  Also that whole "So-and-so called, they want their such-and-such back" is like soooooooo 1995.)

"It's for that tall bitch who throws cars, right?"--

Anonymous 

 (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Same shit, different toilet.  Also, there was no evidence that Evrolet girl threw any cars. She merely picked them up. Please get your facts straight.)

"Christ, what an asshole."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This might have worked if it said "Chris, what an ass!" We could then assume his name is Chris and she is simply admiring his butt. As it stands she is just ripping him down.)

"Christ, what a bigass folio."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A little better because it is literally true and incorporates publishing lingo.)

Christ Bob, ever since that Medal of Freedom thing, you've been taking yourself sooo seriously.--bone guy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  You're kidding, right? Bob was there as a favor to Barry.)

"I get the whole 'Italian poet in the 13th Century' thing. But... Oh, shit, never mind!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to Dylan's masterpiece "Tangled up in Blue."  The actual line refers to a book"written by an Italian poet from the fifteenth century." So you were only off by 200 years. Once again I caution Anti-Cappers not to try and out-Dylan me.) 

"Dylan's pulled ahead of the Island Boys, 102-101. I thought you'd like to know.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Noted. The Dylan photo Bonus Cap set a record. No surprise there. )


"'My Back Pages'? Oh, it's bigger than that, honey."---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  And yet another Dylan reference. I don't really get it beyond using the name of an early album...but I'm fine with that.)

Did you know that Barack Obama thanked his angry looking white guy drug dealer Ray, in his high school yearbook dedication?   Apparently, neither did alinla .--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, I did know--and don't give a shit. Back in the day, the guy I used to cop from on Staten Island was a good  friend--as was the guy who cut my hair and the guy who fixed my car. So what's your point?)

"You must know of course, this Anti-Caption Cartoon will be judged waaaaaaay before you finish your book!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Hate to get all metaphysical on you, but the book, by definition, will never be finished. It is simply a drawing of a guy writing a book. The image is as indelible as the ink used to print it in the NYer.  Come back in 20, 50 or 1000 years and he will still be lying on his tummy writing. In contrast, the judging for this contest is finished...[wait for it]....RIGHT NOW! )