New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #340

WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE

"I am impressed! And without a lower torso!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even if it yields an asinine cap, the literal interpretation of the image is a tried and true Anti-Cap short-cuts strategy. We can't see the lower part of the climber's body so we can not assume it is there. Ironically the cap itself is not impressive but, you know...) 

SECOND PLACE
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Regurgitating  an old classic cap with no added value, no new twist or even a hint of effort, will usually draw only a sigh of exasperation from your judge. In this instance, it has merit if we assume the climber is a mentally ill man named Fusilli who was, as it happens, born out of wedlock. He was repeatedly urged not to climb the mountain so, as a compromise, he arranged to have his shrink waiting for him near the summit. [He was air lifted there in advance.] Make those assumptions and this is brilliant. Kathy provided a link that leads to a blog that published the original cartoon a few years ago.  So there's also that.) 

THIRD PLACE
I'm here to remind you that whoever climbs this mountain is nuts.--

boneguy 

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a metaphor for life itself. One wonders why the guy with the beard made the up-hill climb--but that could simply reflect the bedrock principle of psychology: "it takes one to know one.") 




HONORABLE MENTIONS 

"Were you trying to get away from a New Yorker psychiatrist's couch cartoon? `Cause you can't."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A valid point. A shrink's couch is as common to NYer cartoons as black folks are rare. Other perennials include desert islands, talking animals, married couples sitting on a sofa and dorky men lamenting their pointless lives.) 

"That's right. I'm not only the Cartoon Editor, I'm the Great Enlightened One. How did you find me? Oh, yeah, the name on the shingle."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: By now, we know Kathy well enough to know that by"shingle" she does not mean a painful blistering skin rash. Too bad. She is, however, alluding to people who over estimate their worth--people with titles like "Cartoon Editor" or "Anti-Caption Judge.")


"Yes, son, this is the place where you guru up."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can almost see Johnny snap his fingers and say "I got it!" when he thought this one up. "Now I HAVE to get at LEAST an honorable mention!" He was right, you know.) 

"Parking problems? Don't worry. I validate!"---Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute...but people don't seek counseling to gain validation. They enter pointless captions in meaningless contests for that.) 

"Welcome, Mr. Horn. Have a seat, and tell me what's the matter, Horn."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is much, much better than Johnny's guru thing but I can't be bothered cutting and pasting stuff around just to avoid hurt feelings.) 

"Sorry dude, but the sofa's spoken for `cause someone offered more money. My Craigslist ad turned into an auction. Crazy, right?"--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better if you assume the ad ran in "casual encounters" and "sofa" is slang for you-know-what.  Either way, guys in L.A. seem to believe "Sorry dude" covers any situation where they did something rude, stupid or thoughtless.) 

"R.A.Dickey! I didn't expect to see you here!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turns out the best pitcher in baseball climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro for charity during the off season. He even published updates on his progress in the NY Times. The only reason I know this is because of the link, so they are not always pointless. Thanks, Kathy!) 

"I'm so happy that Mountain Climbing/Psychoanalysis is now an Olympic event!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it was, the Austrian team would clean everyone's clock.  To be honest, I'm not crazy about this one [Get it?] but Kathy had a strong week and I didn't want Tim to feel neglected. ) 

"Fire! Fire on the mountain. I will get by. I will get by. I will get by. I will survive."--Jerry (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One or two caps that remarked that the bearded man looks like Jerry Garcia.  A little heavy handed but we love our Dead.)  

Christ, what an ascent!"--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit obvious. How about "Christ, what an asinine thing to do." That works because it applies to the cartoon as well as Johnny's entry.) 

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your climbing device is a crampon."--Dex  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A what? Climbing gear is in fact strapped on so why not go with that? You're over thinking and under achieving.) 

"Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son? And where have you been my darling young one? I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains. But this was the best one!"--Hard Bobby (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Not to be confused with six crooked highways or a dozen dead oceans. The key line in that song: "I'll know my song well before I start singing." This is more honored in the breach than the observance, of course.)

"I'm going to Sodom and Gomorrah, but what do I care? Ain't nobody there would want to marry my sister."--Zimmerman (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A nod to the 1983 Dylan classic "Jokerman." And let's not forget "false-hearted judges dying in the web's that they spin." ) 

"Looks like Heaven but relax and we will start from the beginning, just you and me".--Don Jr.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This sounds like it could have be written by Dylan. In fact his tiny little part in the "We Are The World" compilation ended with the line "It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me." So I can hear that distinctive "You and me.") 

Climb every mountain,

Ford every stream,

Follow every rainbow,

Analyze your dreams.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The last line is actually 'Till you find your dream." I remember it well. It is from a sappy song sung by the head nun in "The Sound of Music." If you're a 10-year old boy squirming in your theater seat when it was your sister's turn to pick the movie, this song seems to go on for an hour.)

Even though al robbed you of the gold last week, you may be overreacting by going all "Into the Wild"on us--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sound advice. Remember what happens to the kid in the movie. ) 

When he of the paired left thumbs

Meets him of the paired left halluces,

He will burst his eyes on a chaise of stone;

Two fleets one, then to die, a cruel death.--wgh

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but it turns out its author is a wanna-be Anti-Capper who has a blog devoted to his efforts here [such as they are]. Many of the people who scheme against me think I'm paranoid so I'm a little reluctant to give him any added exposure. Still I don't see him as a threat--just yet.

"Hi! I'm Al 'The Judge'. Since nobody else showed up, I'm declaring you, Dr Sumguy with a backpack, the winner!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if. I grant you that if this was the only entry it would win. But it's wasn't so it doesn't. Nice try.)