The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #337

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"This place reminds me of Denver, Bob. And, of course, Bob Denver."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Those not in the winner's circle often huff that the worst possible caption is supposed to win this thing. My caveat is that the caption should be terrible yet have some type of edge to it  [i.e. it's perverted, racist, sexist, discussing, obnoxious or likely to be the only measure of joy JohnnyB ever knows.]  This week's winner is awful yet it demonstrates something that boarders on creativity. The author clearly does not care what people think. Just throw it against the wall and see if it sticks. We like that here.)

SECOND PLACE

Of all the gay resorts, you had to book us in at Santorum's Retreat?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gone but not forgotten, the former senator from Pennsylvania was never a serious candidate for the GOP nomination but he emerged as an affable asshole. His efforts to encourage domination and submission among married couples [boys on top, of course], and genocide for gays where equal measures entertaining and unsettling. Give him this: He managed to look sensible when standing next to Newt.)

THIRD PLACE

"They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot."--Joni (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first Joni Mitchell-inspired cap, this references her 1970 hit "Big Yellow Taxi."  Of course the island is not paved and this tiny spec of  land is hardly paradise, but more importantly Bob Dylan recorded a cover version of this song. He had no plans to release it, but in the early 70's when he left Columbia Records for Asylum, his former label retaliated by releasing the song and a bunch of other out-takes on a highly forgettable album simply called "Dylan." In his version, instead of singing about the "big yellow taxi" that "took away my old man," Dylan says "A big yellow bulldozer took away the house and land."  The point is: This cap is lame and I know a lot about Dylan.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Where the hell is that fairy? He was my wood's hole."--Kim H. (offspring of Tim and Kathy H.) (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  It would appear  the torch has been passed to another generation of H's, thus insuring a continued stream of unimaginative, incoherent, dribble with an occasional burst of sly wit. Kim, if you are who you say you are, you must realize your mom is a compulsive linker and your dad is as funny as a test pattern. (Although his "Girl from Ipanema" cap stands as a rare gem.) You knew this ab0ut your folks, right? No one is blaming you. Also: your cap is incoherent--but you are getting a nod because of your connections.)

 "You hold him down. I'll do the offshore drilling."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls a great wise crack attributed in 1989 to Howell Heflin, a hyper-partisan fat ass Senator for Alabama. At the time, the National Enquirer ran a grainy photo they claimed was Ted Kennedy banging a woman on his yacht. [They assured readers that the big white ass flapping in the breeze was his.] Heflin commented that he was "glad to see the Senator has changed his position on off shore drilling." He said it in a smug Southern drawl that made it more biting.) 

"Yeah, I tried to leave once. Then had second thoughts, changed my mind. So I backed up . . . Severe tire damage."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to metal teeth positioned on the ground at the entrance of parking lots. Although I never saw one in NYC, they are very common in L.A. The logical flaw here is that neither man appears to have a car.) 

"The toll booth always helped, but I'm feeling a whole lot safer now that the sharks are eliminated from the playoffs."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Sort of topical a few weeks ago. It seems the L.A. hockey team won the Stanley Cup. I was glad to see it mainly because I hate the Jersey Devils.  This being L.A., the  bandwagon jumpers were predictable and obvious. I heard one guy say he is a huge Kings fan, a real die hard. Asked for his favorite team member, he could not name a single player or identify any of the teams they beat in the playoffs. To be fair, he was wearing an authentic Kings jersey and matching cap.)

"The Islanders SUCK!" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works for me. Always has.)

"Yesterday, I caught a mackerel; today, a turnpike."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  So...he is stuck on a tiny island with a guy who enjoys puns like this and there is a guard stationed to prevent rescue. This cap, I submit, is a vivid depiction of what hell is like. )

"Don't get me wrong. You're cool and all, God, but Heaven fuckin' sucks."--Population: 1 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How do you know it's heaven? See above.)

"How come the parking attendant isn't starving and emaciated and hasn't grown a beard?"--

If Only This Made Sense (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature suggests unrealistic expectations. The caption suggests an anti-capper with a strong grasp of the obvious. )

"It's really wearing me down."..."This island sure takes its toll."---smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These are the first and last lines of a long-ass cap that culminates with a serviceable line. Let's exercise a little more restraint and a lot more creativity moving forward, okay smack?)

This is actually a CONDE NASTE advertisement, disguised as a New Yorker cartoon!-- Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Advertisers use this ploy to gain attention and publishers let them get away with it because they are greedy bastards  it helps maximize revenue which is used to  facilitate a superior editorial product. This desert isle cartoon might work, for example. if it was an ad for expensive booze. It would  include a suitably high brow caption that strikes a cord with the target audience but comes off as smug and elitist to everyone else.  Something like: "It's not as bad as it seems. I have a bottle of  _______ stashed away. Hence the security detail."  The best anti-cap might say something like: "I got a bottle of ________. Now will you blow me?")