The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #331

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Back-off, you mother-fucking alien piece of shit, and go back to your own planet you uninsured little green cock-sucker." --Angry Xenophobe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Alien haters seldom speak this frankly but there is social commentary here and a bit of irony. The space vehicle is clearly in a position of strength, yet the driver in the car is unloading this nasty tirade. Wait until he finds out that their mission  is to serve man.)

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SECOND PLACE

"Couldn't we have used a green screen? I feel like Vic Morrow." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's nothing to lose your head over. Good use of morbid Hollywood trivia. )

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THIRD PLACE

"Don't panic Alice. The LAPD is only making changes for the better. Did you notice? These new recruits even have their own motto, 'to protect and to serve man'. Let's see what they want." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recently, there have been many stories about how the LAPD has changed in the 20 years since the cops beat the living shit out of Rodney King. Still, they remain very aggressive and will one day most certainly use space craft and proton torpedoes to maintain order. That's why this works. )

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HONORABLE MENTIONS

Kang: "Ha! Their transportation devices don't even levitate, much less go warp speed."
Kodos: "Fucking Earthbillies." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The recurring space aliens seen in The Simpsons do come off a bit snobbish. Many believe other life forms around the galaxy see Earth as a primitive, uncivilized place that's not worth invading, conquering or harvesting.)

"I call that I totally get firstsies on the anal probe!" -- Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a predictable string of caps that assume advanced alien beings who have mastered space travel would come all the way here to do rectal exams. This is vanity or, as this cap suggests, wishful thinking. There's other fun stuff to do on this planet, you know.

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"Well, honey, you're just asking for it when you drive around in a Probe."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From 1989–1997 Ford did in fact offer a sports car by that name. Jim, always the class act, doesn't over do it. He merely hints at the horror that awaits this couple. Note how the woman can't help but get in a snotty comment even as they are about to be abducted. Mrs. alinla would never be so condescending. )

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"Go ahead and pull over, hon- it's probably just a routine scan for anal worms." -Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, however, is exactly what Mrs. alinla would say if an alien space craft was on our tail. And I would likely acquiesce. We'd both test negative [at least I know I would], so why resist? This may be a comment on how we tolerate increasingly intrusive measures in the name of security. )

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"Martian cops are jerks. Get ready to show your anus." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been funnier if it said "Uranus." The seventh planet from the Sun has long been scoffed at because it sounds like "your anus." It also has 27 moons so a high school kid can write a paper titled "The Many Moons of Uranus." and chuckle like Bevis and Butthead when he turns it in. If he were to call it "The Many Moons of Your Anus" there would be issues. You get my meaning, Damon? )

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Well we're really F*cked now - it's the Roswell HP and I hear their sobriety test is a real pain in the ass!!! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's being implied here is that the alien cops can determine sobriety by ramming something up your ass. It's a technique perfected by ex-NYPD cop Justin Volpe. You can spell out "fucked" here by the way. Doing it your way only makes you look weak.)

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"OMG, we're being followed by a corny unimaginative cliché!" --Glenn (JUDGE'SCOMMENT: Glenn, we have come to expect better from you. This is not funny, it's just cynical -- and cynicism is the mother's milk of apathy which often prevents the incompetent from meddling in areas best left to others. One more thing: Please don't use test message shorthand here, okay? [Note I didn't even say "ok."])

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"OK, Scully, you owe me a blowjob."--jimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which she'd say: "Sure Mulder, right after I do every 15 year-old nerd who has me imbedded in his spank bank.")

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"Captain, the alien ship continues to approach. I suggest you deploy your middle finger." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's the way people you don't have proton torpedoes settle this kind of thing. We appreciate Star Trek nods.)

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"QUICK SERPENTINE! ... Klingon Incoming! ... The're about to drop the 'Captains Log'!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe not ALL Star Trek nods. Still, this is not without its charm.)

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The UFOers here are high-beamed.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We can always count on Jim for a classic--not that there's anything right with that.)

"Flew spacely, you crazy bastard. Who are you" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You forgot the question mark...You also forgot to enter something that makes sense.)

Christ what an asshole! What? An alien? Oh, I thought you said al in la was following us. -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Following, avoiding...whatever. )

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"Hide the weed!" --Hella-Trippin' Jeff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If they are in California there is no need. Anxiety, along with life threatening illnesses, is just cause to get medical marijuana. You only have to hide it if they don't have their own.)

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"Relax, we just left Al's place in Los Alamos where residual radiation makes objects seem closer than they are and egos and cartoons bigger." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lot to chew on here. I did find a way to make the cartoons bigger. Unfortunately better, I can NOT do, even as impressed with myself as I apparently am.)

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"Holy shit! It just became gigantic in a split second! Only an extraterrestri al has the power to do that!" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another apparent reference to the up-sized image. It all about consumer satisfaction at each point of contact.)

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alinla speaking:
"Mika, before I forget, did you remember to bring the canola oil?" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for keeping hope alive, Tim.)

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In car, Mrs. alinla to Mr. alinla::
"I told you JohnnyB was an alien!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually she sees him as a valued member of the Anti-Cap family. She is very tolerant of even the most pathedict luckless souls, is all I'm trying to say.)

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“Relax, Hubert, it’s just al ien la out cruising for clues.” --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My ten-year-old car has about 140,000 miles on it. Well short of the 238,855 miles that separate the earth from the moon. I point this out to keep things in perspective. )

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No rush, honey. Alien abduction seems like a good Saturday night alternative to judging a three week old cartoon.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I disagree and since I'm the judge...)