The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #330

 










WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Are you becoming a bed or not?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very crafty. No doubt inspired by tiny little NY apartments. The take away: Their place is so small the dude doubles as an easy chair, which, in turn, converts to a bed. [Or as Rodney Dangerfield used to say: "So small you have to go out side to change your mind."] The woman of course does double duty as wife and curfew enforcer. [Note the hands on hips.] It's an awkward arrangement for everyone.)

SECOND PLACE

No sex until you put on a plastic slip cover! --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Insightful and provocative yet in a childish, clumsy kind of way. It's similar to a finalist in the "real contest" which says: “My sister’s coming over. You could at least throw on a slipcover.” [I predict it will win. Congrats to Karen Parker of Troy, Mich. if it does.] What makes that cap work is the "throw on" part. It confirms that it will take the guy only a few moments to make himself semi-presentable. It also tells us that she is the beleaguered wife of a couch potato-slob. In a similar vein, the anti-cap here would work better if, instead of "put on," it said "agree to wear." Prissy upper-middleclass men "wear" condoms [not "use" and certainly not "throw on"]. Makes it sounds like a fashion choice. It's all in how you phrase these things is what I'm trying to say. Still, a darn good cap.)

THIRD PLAVE

"I'm beat. Are you ready to turn into bed?"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very similar to [but not as good as] the winner. Still, Jim is a regular Anti-Capper who has demonstrated a great affinity for dumb puns and classic caps. My guess: He is actually very smart and witty but only enters the lamest caps imaginable as a means of mocking the contest and, by extension, all that we hold dear. Lets give him a bronze for this.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I want sex; switch off The Simpsons. It's my turn to see a couch gag." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A long reach and a brilliant pun, but there are some issues. If your partner gags during sex [or, even worse, just before] it is seldom a compliment, and if this is meant to suggest the couch guy is going to choke because of aggressive oral sex, we can only assume the woman is a pre-op transsexual who, as it happens, is particularly well endowed. Also, as long as we are being honest, I found the semi-colon pretentious.)

"I said turn it down or it's the plastic slipcovers." --Mrs. Davenport (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here the woman threatens to make him wear slipcovers as a punishment of some type. Kind of kinky. We like that. But wouldn't the covers make it even more difficult for him to hear and thus give him cause to up the volume even more? This contest draws illogical caps the way dog shit draws flys.)

"No, you sit on it, Richie!" -Anonymoose (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The mildly naughty taunt "Sit on it!" was frequently heard in the classic sit-com Happy Days. It was, in essence, a polite way to say "Ram it up your ass!" It makes no sense here but Fonzi wore a windbreaker in the first episodes because network execs where unconfortable with a leather jacket. That too made no sense.)

Former NFL flop Tim Couch studies game film in preparation for yet another comeback bid. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not completely unfunny. There is indeed a failed QB with that unfortunate last name. If his name had been Tebow, he would have gotter further. Also "former flop" is only accurate if you are no longer a flop.)

"Our son just called. He's been made chair of his department." --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Proof that even lazy dads can raise successful kids. A chip of the old rocker, I suppose.)

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your cover is a slip-on." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The least lame of the classics submitted. Tiny point: They seem to be alone so who's "everyone?")

"Sit Fully? You crazy barcalounger! How are you?" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes you gave as a classic but at what cost? )

"The towels here are obscene!" --REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who's got time to do wash when you have hundreds of channels and you're build like an easy chair?)

"Philadelphia experiment, you crazy bastard. What the fuck happened?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an old  debunked story about the navy developing stealth technology to hide a warship in WWII. Nice historical reference with a very modest payoff)

Obama did promise us loose change.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A seldom used mini-classic. Reminds me of the anti-Barry bumper stick that says "You can keep the change." I HOPE they use their CHANGE to buy more sour grapes--maybe another four year supply. )

"Does his majesty now plan to conquer the ottoman empire?" --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No one does sarcasm like a neglected spouse. This refers to the ruling authority that prevailed in Turkey for more than 500 years. It is also references a thing on which you rest your feet. That's why this pun works a little bit.)

"Hey, chair man Mao, isn't it time you turned into bed?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? He's a chair AND a man which makes him a chain-MAN --just like that old Chinese guy you see in crossword puzzles all the time. "A" for effort Glenn.)

"Al, if you moved your extremely wide ass away from the television set, you might find the time to judge the anti-cap contest. By the way, JohnnyB said you were quite comfortable last night, albeit drab and outdated and could stand to be a few inches longer." -- I'm Going to Go Sleep with the Sofa (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I shouldn't even dignify this type of juvenile douche bag crap with a comment, but if I applied that standard across the board the contest would be kaput. Oh, and the jokes on you because I park my remarkable firm butt [for a guy my age, I mean] in front of the TV for several hours while I sift through the thicket. I think of it as the intellectual equivalent of hip boots.)

 "Alinla called. He said judging this contest is the highlight of his fortnight." --Celie Posturepedic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why would a guy shaped like a couch NOT have a phone beside him? More perplexing: Why would I call such a person and leave a message for someone who can not leave? More important: What the hell is a "fortnight?")