The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #329

 WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
Re. Contest #328:

Personally, I thought "The joke's on her. I was wearing a condom." by Anonymous was by far the best anti-cap last week. --Anonymousse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was entered and overlooked in the previous week's contest which, you'll recall, had two headless Praying Mantises strolling down a city street. This cap sucks/succeeds in the tradition of jokes about Polish people and/or blondes being dim witted. [Example: "How did the Polish blonde actress try to get a head in Hollywood?... She fucked a writer.] It suggests that the insect is really really stupid while making a comment on the politics of sex. While I do not encourage backseat judging, it does merit a nod. The entire entry works for the above cartoon if you assume the museum workers and discussing the contest .)

SECOND PLACE
"And we'll get 'Apple' to sponsor ... Dem bones, Dem bones, Dem 'Iphones'!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on two levels: You can almost see an ad that has animatronic fossils gyrating to this song while the voice over commands you to consume superfluous technology. Also, when phone chips are embedded into our cerebral cortex iPhones will become a dinosaur. I'd like to think this cap is a statement about that, but I'm guessing it's not.)

THIRD PLACE"We've all had to step up our game since that fucking BODIES exhibition came to town" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like a blind pig finding a truffle, Rich unwittingly sticks his snout into a great cap. The highly acclaimed traveling exhibit simply known as "Bodies" uses actual human remains to uniquely depict anatomy. [Donated, no doubt, by elderly museum volunteers.] Imagine the success of a spin off exhibit called "Fucking Bodies." Way to back in to the winner's circle, R.H.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS Remember when you said what's the harm in having the exhibit sponsored by the Sammy Davis Jr. Foundation? --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bland and dated. This would be suitable if the cartoon was running in McCall's or Family Circle. Readers there would find it mildly amusing. A more edgy pay off would be "sponsored by that old gay couple.")

"Come let's mix where Dinosaurs
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
In a show that really shits." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We so seldom get entries that rhyme. Also to say something is "the shit" is praise, without the "the" it changes completely.)

"I’m so thankful to Jesus for being able to work for the Creation Museue.." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this was the fantasy-land exhibit in Kentucky, the dinosaurs would be ridden by Adam and Eve. His hair would be neatly trimmed and she would have lion cloth tastefully covering her breasts.)

"Since this is the Creation Museum, we need to include some primitive people scolding, 'They shall become extinct since they seem SO gay.'" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Same vein but a bit heavy handed. Primitive people shouldn't be hard to find there.)

"You're fired." --Steve_O"You are so fucking fired." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe in Steve's world the guy was fired but refused to leave prompting Steve to enter the second cap several hours after the first. This is common among hardcore anti-cappers, of which Steve_O is one. )

"You think, therefore you're fired."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bosses seldom offer this level of candor when cutting you adrift. There are instances where intelligence is a liability in the work place. In those cases they fire you by saying "It's just not working out.")

 “Oh, yes, they left their mark on the Late Cretaceous Period . . . just he and his shadow.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is historically, if not grammatically, accurate but how does a shadow leave fossil remains? Once again I beg you people to think these things through.)
And here 's the Trannies on the farewell tour soft shoeing it to the melodic tones of KT and the No Sunshine Band- -Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once while writing in a obcure b2b magazine I erroneously attributed the song "Play That Funky Music White Boy." to KC and the Sunshine Band. I actually got an angry email from the president of their fan club. This reminded me of that.)

Why does he have such funny little front legs?-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link brings you to an old commercial for the Museum of Science. Thanks, I guess.)

"Anorexia was big in the entertainment industry even then." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Quick Anti-Cap tutorial: "Big" does not work here because it is counter to anorexia which makes women bone thin [or "employable" as they say here in L.A.]. Maybe if you said "was a problem" or somehow tied it to starvation due to famine it would be funnier.)

"The dinosaurs here are upstaged." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A weak nod to a classic. "Up beat" may have worked better then "upstaged" even though it sounds less like "obscene." )

Fusuisauri, you crazy bastard! How are you going to explain this?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Also weak. Please don't make up your own words. )
[Take 2...] "I wonder what one of these looks like with skin on." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes us to a photo of a trim but wrinkled toffee colored older woman trotting on the beach in a bikini--the photo also appears on the blog of JohnnyB whose every move is closely tracked by Anti-Cap HQ. The Take 2 refers to the poster's "oh fuck" moment.)

Not a caption:
Al, I think you should move this contest to a Facebook group. Then people could "like" the good captions and give you some guidance. (explaining to you what the captions mean would still be an issue). Mrs. Al might be some support, but she married you so her judgement is suspect. To get you atarted, "Blackface" "Vaudeville is dead" and "Aristocrats" are just three examples of good ones this week.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is the case with the unique brand of wit and merriment that you bring to us week after week. your suggestion will be given all the consideration it merits. )

Not a caption:
I know I speak for "Tim H," and possibly, "Kathy H," and in a pinch, "Anonymouse," (not their real names -- just noms de caption) when I say that we have avoided Facebook like the plague. Or something. I -- we -- vote "no" on JohnnyB's thoughtful, yet not very amusing, suggestion. Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to tend to some nutty salmon on a wooden plank. --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay so we all agree: Johnny's suggestion is as dead as the fish Tim has so tastefully dispatched, Also I believe the more compassionate term is "emotionally disturbed salmon." )

Ironically, Glenn forgot the quotes in "Ahh, minstrelosaurus. All that's left to add is the blackface" when transferring his waiting caption from Word after Al so graciously noted... well, you get the point. --Shmuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about computer screw ups: This is the second time I am doing this. When I tried to cut and paste the text into my blog depository, I lost the whole thing. It was like dropping a bottle of cheap whiskey: more annoying than heart breaking. It is frustrating because I had a few really good cheap shots insightful observations that I don't now remember. This is why these are so late. Anyway Glenn already knows he is on double-secret probation.)

They were called "Al and JohnnyB"; their act sucked. They were thrown into the tar pit. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speak for yourself! What's most alarming about this is that it was entered by Johnny who apparently obsesses about me to the point where he wants to parish in some gruesome murder/suicide pact. In MY fantasy it's not a tar pit, its a tub of canola oil; and I'm not paired with JohnnyB, I get tossed in with Mika Brzezinski from msnbc's Morning Joe.

Johnny B and al, here's a better suggestion. Get a room. Just get it out of your systems already. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! See previous comment! )

"They died waiting for the results of the caption contest." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They knew the risks when they tromped through a dark and dreary prehistoric wasteland inhabited by hideous beasts eager to prey on the weak: I speak, of course, of this contest.)