The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #333

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

It looks like the Paul Ryan budget has worked out well for Paul Ryan--boneguy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Catholic groups are among those who say the congressman's budget will "abandon the poor to their own devices." Fair enough, but after doing so, Ryan probably wouldn't go hang out with the folks he helped plunge into abject poverty. [Unless, of course, he just stopped by to masturbate.] So while the political commentary here is impressive, it's a bit heavy handed.) 

SECOND PLACE

"He says he's running for president and needs to relate to the average man. I say let's shit in his drink and beat the snot out of him. I say that'saverage enoudg."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  More keen eyed political commentary but this one is also a bit over the top. Although it is certainly not unheard of, there are very few reported instances of people actually defecating into someone's beverage. By no means is it "average" behavior--at least not yet. Also a writing tip: Because you went with "shit" right out of the box you had nothing else to beat out of him but "snot." Maybe if you had said "piss in his beverage" you could then go on to beat the shit out of him. This way you would have something that works better linguistically and logistically.)

THIRD PLACE

"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear? Besides, he's not even Jewish."--Neander Thalburg  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that Jewish moms have been kvetching since the beginning of time, but even back then she would be delighted that her bubala found a suit and tie guy. [And so handsome!] One housekeeping note: This was entered three times [!] but only the first time did it include the "Besides, he's not even Jewish" part, which is clearly the lynch-pin of the cap. So let's not over do it, okay?) 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"They didn't finish erasing an older cartoon. Just pretend he's a rock."--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first this seems like just another mail-it-in, lame cap from a once-respected anti-capper who now struggles with personal demons--but look closer and it is a pointed barb at lazy-ass NYer cartoonists whose distaste for the Caption Contest is obvious. All this cartoonist did was take a guy from the fifties and stick him into a cave. [We know he's from the fifties because he is smoking, drinking a martini AND has a thin tie.] The caption suggests that they simply recycle the images erasing and redrawing as needed. Maybe boneguy is on the verge of a comeback.)

Whoops... last cap was mine  --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This was added one minute after Jim entered  this cap: "He says our lives will be better if we lower his taxes. I say we go along with him until someone discovers logic." First off: logic, common sense and fair play where all discovered long before this type of reasoning took hold, but the rich are better at getting their message out. More important, it is a rare degree of  narcissism pride that compels someone to go back and assure they are properly credited in this contest. The "Whoops...last cap was mine" part gets a nod because only a primitive person would say such a thing.)

"He called it a 'centerfold' and promised that it would be a tasteful shot"--David Macharelli   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hef got many girls to pose with that line of reasoning. Funny thing: whenever Playboy does a cave girl theme they drape a lion cloth over a stunning blonde who is perfectly made up and has silky smooth shaved legs--to keep it real they mess up her hair a little, but not too much.  I've done my research, is all I'm saying.)

"I have a mind to tell him to get out of my chair."--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a previous winner who was never heard from again. I assume by now she has out grown this type of thing. What's your excuse Kathy?) 

"Look, he's the only traveling Spackle® salesman in these parts. And from the looks of these walls, I think we should hear him out."-TimH (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The addition of the ® is the only thing this has going for it. Spackle is indeed a registered trademark of the MuraloCo. but it was not introduced until 1927. So this cap is historically inaccurate--beside being completely lame, I mean.)

"Keep an open mind, Holgar. He calls it 'manscaping' and I think he'son to something."--Air Stein   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Holgar no like hygiene. Holgar like Red Sox.) 

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"Christ, what a wormhole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cute little nod to a quasi-classic.  ) 

"That's right, Fred. Mr. Hanna here says that if you ditch the beard, he can get us a TV series."--Utellme   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A slightly vague reference to William Hanna who together with partner Joseph Barbera hatched The Flintstones. He was a total Hollywood pro who would never cast an unknown for the lead, so this too is bogus.) 

Somewhere in small town America, circa 1959:

"My agent says the Wilma role would be a huge break for me. I would have to move to Bedrock, though."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)

"Get used to your hand, OogOog McCavedouche."--Penelope   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  As is often the case with lazy cartoonists, the hand is not drawn well. This cap would not merit attention accept for the response it engendered.) 

"30,000 years from now, when his cursor changes into the shape of a hand, it will fit perfectly over your bare neck." (Anyone else notice this?)--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, a veteran anti-capper who long ago put to rest all allegations of debauchery and malfeasance, made the same observation but knew how to dress it up a bit. But he wasn't done. Read on.) 

Hate to enter a non-caption, but what are the odds Penelope would enter a caption with a "hand" reference 2 minutes before mine? To top it off, he/she signs their last name "Cavedouche", a nickname that I have been affectionately called by some of my "friends" over the years.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cavedouche does have a nice ring to it and seems strangely fitting. I did some checking, Jim, and confirmed that the entry preceding yours was send from a computer in your home--in the basement. Be scared Jim. Be very, very sacred.) 

"Don't worry. It's just one of Don Draper's dream sequences. It'll be over in a minute."--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A dedicated Mad Man viewer, Mrs. alinla confirms that Don does have dream things, but she has no recollection of time travel. The important thing is: Tim's creative juices are flowing. One day soon he is bound to enter something worth while.) 

"The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one....Well that's what he told me anyway. So I let him fuck me. He says his name's Don Draper."--Peggy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is actually something Don said on the show. It is unlikely that he would go back in time to make it with a cave-woman, but if he did she would probably be married and he would likely have a martini and a cigarette afterward. So this long winded cap has some bit of value. ) 

"Honey, you didn't catch my Jules Verne."--Anonymous   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Yes. It was caught. I gave it to my friend Ben Dover.)