The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #327

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Your massive decorative sculpture is a way of overcompensating for your small diving board. Your disappointingly small, flaccid diving board." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Granted, diving boards are not commonly viewed as phallic symbols, but that's not the point. The woman's disappointment has festered into bitterness and derision. She hates this man yet she remains at his side. A reminder that if you have a nice house with a pool you can attract women who would otherwise be disgusted by you. Of course, the real culprit here is a lazy cartoonist.)

SECOND PLACE
"I love you, Brad, but I need drama in my life." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests it is the woman's house. She has hooked up with a new guy, but her old boyfriend is still invited over to use the pool. This creates tension because the old boyfriend is a huge dude with anger issues and lots of tattoos -- and yes he hates Brad. Not a funny cap but this makes a statement about pampered people living uneventful lives.)

THIRD PLACE
"I told you already, I'm not sleeping with the pool boy. My cigarette lighter must've singed my twat hair." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is dumb, tasteless and -- worse -- confusing. Why would this woman allow a fire breathing dragon to perform oral sex on her? [All obvious jokes aside, that's really a foolish thing to do.] And how in the world did she singe her downstairs carpet with a cigarette lighter? A lot of clutter here, but it marks the first ever use of the word "twat" in this contest. So there's that.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Have you ever seen a dragon fly...or swallow something?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: During a celebrity roast on TV many years ago, I recall pretend drunk Foster Brooks saying that Dean Martin was "the man who made Lucille Ball...and she has been smiling ever since." I got the joke and I was only like 10 at the time. It was obvious that I would one day become an Anti-Cap judge.)



"Move dear. It's time for Norbert to heat the pool!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of only a handful of caps that suggest the dragon in the pool has a practical purpose. The name "Norbert" softens the dragon a bit.)

Okay, so you were born with a snake in both your fists - what happened to the other one?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Freedom, just around the corner for you. But with truth so far off, what good will it do?" This doesn't really fit the image but it is a line from the Dylan song "Jokerman." I would tell Johnny his caps suck but what good would THAT do?)

Be careful. My last boyfriend got drunk and literally tried to Enter the Dragon. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two minutes after posting this gem bone came back with this: "Not exactly what I had in mind when you asked me over to the chase the dragon." You can just see him sitting there thinking "Dragon, Dragon...what the fuck can I say about a Dragon?" With that he downs another shot of gin, takes a hit from his pipe and comes up with two of the worst caps he has ever submitted.)

"The pool hours here are dragonian." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We love the classics here, but perhaps the word you are looking for is "draconian." According to the first thing that popped on Google, "dragonian" is "a member of an advanced race of dragon-like people, who live and thrive on planet Drago." So this is either really creative or just lazy.)

"Feels scaley, you crazy bather. How are you?" --Tootsie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A huge reach but one would assume that a dragon would be scaley. And swimmers are seldom called bathers anymore.)

"A dragon? Yeah, right. Next thing you'll want me to believe that Cheney already had a heart."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very topical. Vice did in fact have a new ticker installed which, not surprisingly, set off an avalanche of jokes about him being a heartless, ruthless, treacherous, piece-of-shit chicken-hawk, scumbag, war criminal with no honor or decency --and certainly no right to a new heart. It was all in good fun, of course. Get well soon Dick, so you may live out the rest of your life as a cautionary tale.)

"As the years rolled by, my visits to Jackie Paper became increasing depressing." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But why? The kid grew up to have a hot wife, a nice house and a pool...all the trappings. This assumes that Puff and Jackie stayed in touch. The song suggests they did not.)

Jackie, I thought we agreed that Puff would stay in Honnalee. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And this one assumes that the wife is whining about Jack's old friend coming to visit. Happens all the time.)

"Isn't it nice, dear, to have Cecil home for the holidays?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that some Dragons are loveable. Still, we wonder if they would be so welcoming if their beloved dragon was a nobody, like the one who frolicked with Jack.)

"Honey, do you know what ever became of Danny the Dragon from the 1960's Bronx amusement park, Freedomland?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy struck a cord with this one. While I have no recolection of a Dragon-themed ride, I recall my dad once loaded us all into the station wagon and took us to Freedomland in the Bronx. [When you live in Brooklyn, that's like going to Beijing.] It was the only time we went and, even years later he would still complain about high-prices, long lines and a parking lot that he would repeatedly describe as "a God damn joke." )

"Danny landed on his feet in San Jose, CA and got an extreme makeover" --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy asked a question and boneguy retrived an answer.)

"Ha, it just peed in the pool!" - Some Caption Guy. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who appointed her pool piss police? Mrs. alinla says as a child she was frequently reminded that "tattlers get their own!" In contrast, I grew up in a large family where "telling" on each other was encouraged and rewarded.)

"You're fucked, therefore you am." --Anonymous This caption suggests a complex universe in which dragons cross the boundary of realms, from imaginary to very real. The fact that the dragon not only is capable of urination, but the he actually has done so seems to reflect a modern take on ancient Japanese writing forms; the direct lineage of Murasaki Shibiku is present here. Of course I realize I could be over thinking this. - Fake Al In LA. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Fake Al In LA" is redundant [as is "very real"], but the faux comment pokes fun at my assessment of the previous week's winner. I for one never heard of the Japanese dude you mention. It sounds like a motorcycle to me. And only hack writers use phrases like "the fact that." So you manage to simultaneously mock and flatter me while revealing your own inadequacies. My actual comment on your cap is not nearly as highfalutin, but here goes: A nod to the previous week's winner but this is dumb and confusing. If it said "You're fucked, therefore so am I." it would lose its edge, but it would be a more realistic assessment of their situation... I am not playing to the crowd here, my friend, I just call them as I see them--once I get around to seeing them.)

Hey Al
re: Why would the doctor admit this to his patient? - he isn't talking to his patient. The caption has no quotation marks.-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Glenn entered a cap this week to clear up the intent of a cap he entered the previous week and challenge my comment, which he clearly believes was not consistent with his cap and therefore inappropriate. Noted.)