The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #326

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE "I ink, therefore I am." --Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works if you assume the patient on the couch suffers from self esteem issues and is now having some type of break through. As it happens, an octipus spews ink to elude predators who are fooled into thinking their prey has disapeared. So, in essense he "inks" to convince others he does not exist. In doing so, he survives and endures. Bottom line: this cap may not be as trite and obvious as it first appears. Of course I realize I may be over thinking this.)

SECOND PLACE
"...and don't get me started on the price of ink cartridges..." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again with the ink. This makes no sense because the octopus can produce its own ink. Humans can not. I have an Epson printer that cost like $50. A set of ink cartridges costs a small fortune--and if one of the colors runs out it won't even let you print a black & white doc. Yes, that's how ruthless these bastards are and that's why this hit home.)

THIRD PLACE
"That's right, doc. I have undistended tentacles. I'm part of the "Freaks of the Pacific" show at Sea World; the only hermaphrodite discovered on the ocean floor. Tourists drink Tequila shots from my suction cups. It's a living." --Gene Gene the Dancing Machine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would he prefer to be chopped up, cooked with tomato sauce and served over liguine? The signature is a nod to the old Gong Show. Some where the Unknown Comic is smiling.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Do you know how close I was to being chosen the UC Santa Cruz mascot? --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:What would they have called the teams? The Octopuses? [And calling the women's teams Lady Octopuses would be even more awkward, no?] This offers modest humor value if you know the Bay area school's actual mascot is the Bananna Slug. )

"Depressed! ... You have no idea! ... You try being a gay cephalopod, missing two arms, no exoskeleton, having a one week life expectancy after laying 200,000 eggs, and will never be able to use the 800,000 airline miles accumulated on AirOcto!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works better if you imagine Woody Allen's agnst-ridden voice ranting on. How he racked up so many frequent flyer miles in a week remains a mystery.)This couch is very uncomfortable. And I can't breathe. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Speaking of laying eggs...Johnny checks in. If you can't be funny, be litteral--this is what we have learned from our prerenial runner-up and future Anti-Cap hall of famer.)

... then she said, "Don't go to a shrink - we need the calamari," and I said, "Bitch, I think I'm an octopus, not a squid."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The slight wiff of humor here comes from an old joke involving someone who thinks he's a cow. He's discouraged from getting help because the family needs the milk. Johnny's bastardization of this gag flopped because the resource being exploited--octopus meat-- is not sustainable the way milk is. If only he had went with "ink" instead of "calimari," this would be on the leader board. If only. In other words: Once again Johnny screws up. )

"My family was wiped out by Red Wings fans. The horror of seeing them strewn on the ice to cheers." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice use of applied knowledge in the service of an absurd cap. Detroit hockey fans have been know to toss octopus on the ice. It is a gross and pointless excercise, but then again so is this contest.)

"Alls I'm saying is that I'm pretty good at picking the Elite Eight." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, because he has eight arms he is qualified to pick NCAA tournamant winners? Really?Another painful sports related cap, this includes a link that explains what Elite Eight means [Hint: It involves eight teams that advanced from the Sweet 16.]. Kathy assumes we didn't know--that's what really hurts. )

"What are you saying, Doc? I need to get some octopussy?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a batch of caps that evolke the 1983 James Bond film "Octopussy." When it was released, some complained that the title was simply crude word play that demeaned women. When pressed to explain why, they were left to say "You know why!" It was awkward for everyone.)

"Yes, I had that dream again about Maud Adams."-- Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You don't find many leggy supper models named Maud, but the link confirms she is the hot swedish actress---now 67-- who was Octopussy. She is also the only Bond Girl to appear in three films (The Man with the Golden Gun in '74; and in '85 as an extra in A View to a Kill.) You wonder if now, nearly 30 years after the fact, she brags to people that she was the original Octopussy.)

"Doctor, No, I did not want her to Die. Another Day without Octopussy and I'd have gone mad! I warned her, Never Say Never Again. Does that not give me License to Kill? "-- Diners Club Gold Member (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Bond franchise includes more than 20 films, but the ones with Sean Connery are the only ones worth watching. I started to concoct a comment that used several Bond titles but figured, why bother?)

"No Dr. Bond, I expect you to diagnose my schizophrenia." --Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic twisted is still a classic. Extra credit: this has nothing to do with Octopussy.)

If Big Pharma was going to ply the good doctor with samples, perks, and "educational" training, he'd be damned if he was going to be selective with his patients and prescriptions. --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This narrative cap gets an "A" for effort but does not really have much going for it. Why would the doctor admit this to his patient? And the prefered term is "drug companies." [Only clueless bloggers call the industry "Big Pharma."] Once again I beg you people to think becore posting.)

"An old friend called and said, 'Scungilli you crazy bastard, how are you?' and I'm like, 'Crazy? That's what you think of me?' So I made an appointment to see you doc." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tourtured classic that reminds us that "crazy" is very overused. Expect the shrink to say "You're not crazy. You suffer from mental illness. Go to: alinla.blogspot.com and post something really dumb--you'll feel better.")