The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #325

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"It must be Palm Sunday." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? They all beat off and now they have a big grin. It came as no surprise that many anti-cappers interpreted the smiles as the byproduct of a sex act. This one says it was self inflicted. Confusing, simplistic, slightly provocative, totally tasteless...all the elements. Best of all: Many won't get this, but I did! Extra credit: It evokes a religious rite related to Easter. Anti Capper bliss.)


SECOND PLACEDamn you, Disney! --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why so condescending, bone? For decades the good folks at Disney have turned frowns into forced smiles. Check the price of their stock, it's a business formula that works.)

THIRD PLACE"Easter Island Pez." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They do look like industrial strength pez dispensers. Probably some kind special collector's set like Stars Wars or Harry Potter.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS"Looks like we're standing right above a colony of tunnel-dwelling Amazon nymphomaniacs- get the shovel!" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wishful thinking and highly imaginative. Many men remain convinced that there exists a thriving underground of horny sluts with minimal standards and poor eye sight. They wait to be unearthed by sad sack losers who can't get any. [How I know this is not important.] This is also a reminder to those under 30 that "Amazon" has other meanings.)

All I thaid wath “your pithe helmet ith thtupendouth” --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds like he has rocks in his mouth. Proof that even sedentary objects chiseled it stone will mock someone's speech impediment.)
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."---Michael Pritchard (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Touching but woefully inaccurate. You grow old no mater how often you laugh. It's not negotiable. This is more fortune cookie propaganda than anti cap drivel. Nothing like this ever again, okay?)
Living stone, I presume?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim likes obvious puns and simplistic ideas. That's why he is so at home among us.)
"Unlike their counterparts at Easter Island, the figures of Fellatio Island beam with the eternal optimism of afterglow." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we have a cap that equates smiling faces to sexual satisfaction. Even so, afterglow has nothing to do with optimism.)
Empirical proof my dear boy that when you've, "seen one, you have indeed seen them all..." --BLONDE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a dick reference from a jaded women [or gay man]. If not, how else to explain it? )
"The plaque here says: The name Easter Island was given by the island's first recorded European visitor, the Dutch explorer Jacob "Turn That Frown Upside-Down" Roggeveen, who encountered it on Easter Sunday 1722." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The take away: Those who were sad when Jesus was crucified where happy when he came back to life. This I learned from Catholic school. [Which is why I want to make clear that I am observing the resurrection, not mocking it.] One minor point: No plaque is evident in this image.)
"Moai? I wanted to see Maui, you id... Hey, shut up, it's not funny!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "It's not funny" could aptly describe any of Glenn's caps but this is good use of "Maui" as an obscure pun.)
"Fossil weenie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic but it's no surprise that the author withheld his or her name because it's really awful.)
Five Smileys, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna explain this?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just as bad but not quite as imaginative. )
'I'm having a hard time coming up with something igneous to say''My sediments exactly'Quit taking me for graniteI'm feeling boulder lately he said in a gravelly voice(heres hoping Al likes my expossed aggregate of captions) --Stone Cold Jaime Sommers (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember the film Red Dragon (a prequel to Silence of the Lambs)? Remember Ralph Fiennes' line to Philip Seymour Hoffman right before he glued him to wheelchair, set him on fire and pushed him down a steep hill into busy traffic? "It is in your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble." Granted it's a bit of a reach but this cap reminded me of that.)

“’And that smile’s so hard to resist; they smile to your face, but behind your back they hiss’ . . . I’d say these were left here by Infidels.” -----A Sweetheart Like You (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good Dylan reference. You could be known as the most beautiful anti-capper to ever crawl across cut glass to make a deal...)
How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island? How’d ya like to spend the holy day away with this rock guy? How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island? How’d ya like to bite the head off a chocolate coconut Moai? --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty amazing Dylan reference. Bob's remarkable holiday collection from a few years back,"Christmas in the Heart" includes a little ditty about celebrating the holiday in Hawaii, "Christmas Island." Johnny's deep and prolonged slump is now officially over--unless of course he didn't realize he was conjuring Dylan.)
"Until they, too, got their backsides plundered and suffered horrible ends,(....something unfunny a 50s reference something even less funny...)Rock Hut, son." --Got Nothing (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare instance when laziness and lack of creativity actually works. Yes you got nothing but you are the rare anti-capper who will admit it. And remember when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.)
After this disaster, I doubt I'll be back for my 50th Wagner College reunion. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stalker alert! Recently I referenced a headline I wrote 30 years ago for my college newspaper. From that, bonehead was able to identify the small liberal arts school from which I earned my coveted B.A.in Political Science. First job after school: security guard in Manhattan working the mid-night to 8 am shift.)
"They're laughing because alinla thinks that Pride goeth before the fall is something the Beatles thought up, instead of from the Book of Proverbs, 16:18. Yeah, he's going straight to Hell."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Are you new here? Are you not aware of my rich history of playful word play and my deep devotion to The Beatles irony? You mock the very ignorance you exemplify. Besides, didn't that same book of yours say "judge not lest ye be judged?" [Matthew 7:1, if you're scoring at home.] And before anyone says anything, the good book specifically gives dispensation to an Anti-Cap judge. [Different kind of judge, sayeth the lord.])