WINNERS
FIRST PLACEOne of those rats was for me. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The other snake responds: "I know. That's why I ate it so fast, shithead." This may be a comment on greed, gluttany or the republican primaries. Think about it: When you're a predator you feel entitled to prey.When you are prey, you don't want predators in charge. This is one of Johnny's best caps ever!)
SECOND PLACELet's go over this again. Describe your greatest asset that qualifies you for a desk job.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Well," said the snake, "apart from having an enormously huge ass, I'm a slitering cold blooded vipor with sharp fangs and a nasty disposition. As such, I firmly believe I'm well qualified for a mid-management position.")
THIRD PLACE"I sure wish the Man would censor the internet and save me from being traumatized by the sight of a perfectly well-drawn snake with a ridiculous, anthropomorphized turd-cutter." --PIPA's Ass (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical and creative, yet somewhat baffleing.This is two good to ignore even if the choice of butt medaphor is a bit creepy and gross--and not in a good way. )
HONORABLE MENTIONSI told you not to eat Liza Minelli.Now you're going to be in the National Rattler! --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very stupid but admitedly Liza, while still a national treasure, has developed some junk in her truck ...also "Rattler" rhymes with "Tattler" so this has some juice.)
"Christ, what an asshole!" --Dex Christ, what a whole ass.--Jim Cavananaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic and a variation on a classic. The second is better that the first but they are both pretty awful.)
Fussssssssilli, you crazy backssside, how are you? --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can so easily visualize Johnny sitting in front of laptop with a bottle of gin and a pack of Luckys. He ponders and ponders and comes up with this. Supposedly they taste like chicken, Johnny. That's what I've heard about snakes.)
Spill the beans. I don't have three weeks to see if that's James or the giant peach.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a variation on an entry that didn't make the cut and a comment on my tartiness. Noted.)
"We no longer crawl for OR eat their horseshit....oh, sorry, that's next week's cartoon."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Can't say I blame you for getting ahead of us. The "horseshit" part reminds me of something John Madden told his team when he was coach of the Raiders: "Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon.")
I guess it wasn't a J Lo calorie meal!
ReplyDelete"So! You've been seeing that tramp, Kim Kardashian!"
ReplyDeleteNext time I'm asking the waiter for split cheeks..
ReplyDelete"Are you a black mamba by any chance?"
ReplyDelete"Well, they say you are what you eat."
ReplyDelete---blw
“Go ahead and shake that money-maker. Me, I’ll stick with the tradtional rattles.”
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
“I thought he said ‘nice asp’. Well, I guess I misunderstood the man.”
ReplyDelete---blw
"So! ... You had to audition for "Snakes on a Plane"! ... Sheeshsss!"
ReplyDelete"So! ... You had to audition for "Snakes on a Plane"! ... Sheeshsss!"
ReplyDelete"It's a step backwards! ... Now we have to find a toilet!"
ReplyDelete"What a bummer!"
ReplyDelete"Yeah! Smells like tuna fish up ahead."
ReplyDeleteOne of those rats was for me.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Bummer of a birth defect, Hal!"
ReplyDelete"No, I can't finger your bumhole. Remember?
ReplyDeleteLet's go over this again. Describe your greatest asset that qualifies you for a desk job.
ReplyDelete"To be fair, you do look like a dildo."
ReplyDelete"I knew that Danny Shanahan was a sicko. I just didn't realize how much."
ReplyDeleteNever swallow a Kardashian whole.
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
I told you not to eat Newt Gingrich.
ReplyDeleteI liked you better without the implants
ReplyDeleteDude, you really came unhinged last night.
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"Perhaps Shanahan should learn to pilot airplanes instead."
ReplyDelete"Do you have any idea how hard it is to shop for you?"
ReplyDelete"No. You're wrong. The title of Sir Mix-A-Lot's song isn't Baby Got Diamondback."
ReplyDelete"I hear you only come out when it's a full moon."
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
“Look, I know it’s summer and we all shed---I just think you’ve taken it a little too far is all I'm sayin'.”
ReplyDelete---blw
I told you not to eat Liza Minelli.
ReplyDeleteNow you're going to be in the National Rattler!
I take it your some kind of asp viper?
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
you're
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"So that's how you got him to eat from the Tree of Knowledge."
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
"Randy! ... Your supposed to slither side to side, not Up & Down!"
ReplyDeleteYou really should see a physician. Testicular cancer is nothing to ignore, no matter how much it's helping with the ladies.
ReplyDelete"I sure wish the Man would censor the internet and save me from being traumatized by the sight of a perfectly well-drawn snake with a ridiculous, anthropomorphized turd-cutter."
ReplyDelete"Kung Hei Fat Butt!! It's the Rear of the Snake!!"
ReplyDelete"Your backside is a big puff, adder."
ReplyDeleteI don't have three months to see if that thing is really a giant peach.
ReplyDelete"Don't get me wrong. You're easy on the eyes and all. But, once they get their heads around the fact that they have a couple of talking snakes on their hands, this whole thing is gonna explode! Big time!"
ReplyDelete"You're so full of 'rhoid rage."
ReplyDeleteYou're in my seat
ReplyDeleteFussssssssilli, you crazy backssside, how are you?
ReplyDelete"I don't know Gary, you tell me who is going to take us seriously as a couple of real plankers"
ReplyDelete"A Tramp Stamp?" ... "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE SNAKELET FELL OFF!"
ReplyDeleteYou can focus on your abs now.
ReplyDelete"Well, the reason it's sunburned is that it's a whole foot closer to the sun."
ReplyDelete"Just my luck. I'm a leg man."
ReplyDeleteSo then I told him that he could just: "Kiss my asp!!!" Get it?? snort snort!!
ReplyDeleteIf Eve had just kissed my asssssp when I asked her instead of eating that friggin' apple, things would be a helluva lot different today..!!
ReplyDelete"Looks like somebody forgot the safe word."
ReplyDelete"If shedding your skin at the Viper Room is your life's ambition, Ana (Conda), at least have the decency to wear a boa."
ReplyDelete"No, no , no! I will not call you Rumplesnakeskin!"
ReplyDelete"It looks like the snake oil you bought actually worked."
ReplyDelete"My favorite athlete of all-time? Hmmmm? That's a tough one, but I have to go with Mo' Cheeks."
ReplyDelete"You told me you were getting Botox, not buttocks!"
ReplyDelete"Oh, you wish I was in your seat"
ReplyDeleteAnna "Conda" Kournikova
ReplyDeleteZigmund F'Rhoid
ReplyDelete"Hey, you are what you eat."
ReplyDelete"If I'd been drawn with a Johnson, I'd totally tap that."
ReplyDelete"I'm glad you liked dinner. Stop calling it 'bootylicious.'"
ReplyDeleteHey, Satire Guy . . . how 'bout something original??? You perhaps are what you eat, but you are NOT what you purloin . . .
ReplyDelete---blw
"The ad will read ... Rodney! ... Large Tushmaster Armpit Viper, no STD's ... Prefers petite blondes ... "Ereptile Dysfunction", my Speciality"!
ReplyDelete"Always with the same question every time you get a new skin"
ReplyDelete"But hey, real fools always add legs to a snake."
ReplyDelete"If you keep bumming cigarettes, you'll end up with some serious medical issues."
ReplyDelete"So what was it like inside the bearded lady?"
ReplyDelete"No one wants your crack here, LOUis."
ReplyDelete- Trading Places
"Butt nothing!"
ReplyDelete“For your information, the correct pronunciation is, BOADONKADONK”
ReplyDelete“Two words Sandy: appetite sssssupressssssssentssssss”
ReplyDelete“You’re still dating Richard Gere I see”
ReplyDelete♫ My milk snake brings all the boas to the yard..♫
ReplyDelete"That's the last time I take you to an all-you-can-eat hamster buffet."
ReplyDelete"When I married you, you were a size 2 XXXXXL. Now look at you!"
ReplyDeleteSpill the beans. I don't have three weeks to see if that's James or the giant peach.
ReplyDeleteLook! Al in la's two weeks behind!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete100th cap alert. Woop woop dive!
ReplyDeleteDon't be a wise guy. You know perfectly well what I meant by "butt out".
ReplyDeleteFantastic post.I like your article.Very informative post.
ReplyDelete"So he said, 'My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon,' and that's when I got the surgery." -Mrs Mix-A-Lot with her friend.
ReplyDelete