Sunday, November 27, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #313

Note: Some years ago when I was still in NYC, one job I had included occasionally staying home to review TV shows set to debut on cable. It wasn't exactly heavy lifting: Sit at home all day and watch videos of TV shows with no commercials while eating junk food and lounging in an easy chair. Lunch time was nap time and I could easily ditch any phone call by saying "I have to get back to work."
Friends thought this was a kick ass gig. But there was also a downside. It's not just that I didn't know what to do when I got off work (What? Sit around and watch TV?) It's that the vast, vast, vast majority of the shows I was screening totally sucked. I'm talking original movies for USA Network. or Lifetime. Shows about ants for Discovery and Adam Ant for VH1. There were occasional standouts but it was like being a restaurant critic who only reviews prison food.


This comes to mind because I believe the tedium of that endeavor uniquely well qualified me for Anti-Cap judging duties. As I did then, I some times have to muster the enthusiasm it takes. I am mustering as best I can.

WINNERS
FIRST PLACE"No need to go all-Google on me. I'll show you how. It's simple. All you need is time, patience and the carcass of a dead rodent."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has its charm. People often Google things because they are too lazy to think. But if you are fast tracking your mustache by using a dead animal you don't really need time or patience. It also seems that dust mop might be a better choice. Overall, a pretty good cap for an awful cartoon..)
SECOND PLACE"Lefty-mouser, you crazy bastard. How are you?" --Rollie Fingers (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a classic and a classic baseballer who had an obnoxious handle bar moustache.)
THIRD PLACE"Well, since you asked, what I'd really like for Christmas is..." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes you to a site selling ski masks that look like beards. If we had a list of most cherished cappers Kathy H would be on it. But we don't, so we simply smile, nod and move on.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS"Clip-on!"--Ole School (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said "Shut up Bob, every body knows you moustache is a clip-on." But this is more vague. )



"No mustache, Bond? I expect you to try." --RL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, which makes it better, I suppose.)


"Name's Fur-Lippy, a crazy bastard, and I'm fine, thanks." --Rich Lather (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I will keep the classics alive at all costs.)
"Al, I'm going to have to let you go. You've fallen too far behind on judging anti-caption contests. Frankly, you were never very good at it in the first place."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me go? Where? I do this from home. And if I suck at it, why would the absence of my comments prompt this vicious attack?)
“Did you hear the good news? The North Pole lockout is over. Alinla’s got all of his elves working again and everything’s back on schedule for Christmas Day! . . . I hope he brings me a nose hair trimmer this year.”-----left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on it wayne, industrial strength model--and thanks old buddy. There was a time when I had elfs helping me, but after a little good natured horse play in the shower, they were taken away. The litigation is still pending so I will not comment any further.)
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84 comments:

  1. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 12:16 AM

    "Be honest. Am I too tall for Hulk Hogans Midget Wrestling?"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 12:27 AM

    "Toilet bowl sealer. And yes, there is a faint potty odor!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 12:41 AM

    "Landing strip wax. And yes, there is a slight odor!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. boneguyNovember 28, 2011 at 7:12 AM

    Has anyone lost a baby sperm whale?

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousNovember 28, 2011 at 7:22 AM

    "Al, I'm going to have to let you go. You've fallen too far behind on judging anti-caption contests. Frankly, you were never very good at it in the first place."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sam AnticNovember 28, 2011 at 8:37 AM

    "I think Free-Mustache-Ride-Friday is gonna be a hit!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. DamonNovember 28, 2011 at 9:02 AM

    "I hate when food gets caught in the hair, but that's what tongues are for. Also, do you like my moustache?"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    "I am the walrus, coo coo kachu!"

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello DalíNovember 28, 2011 at 11:32 AM

    "Grandpa Sal would certainly disapprove of our work in Cubism."

    ReplyDelete
  10. NJ-to-TXNovember 28, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    "Can you google 'how to get a chinchilla that crawled up your nose and died out"?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Steve_ONovember 28, 2011 at 12:48 PM

    "Well, maybe it was me, but what were you doing on a gay porn site?"

    ReplyDelete
  12. Quinn the EskimoNovember 28, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    "Hey Larry, where's Moe?"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 1:52 PM

    "It hides my stretch marks!"

    ReplyDelete
  14. smuckNovember 28, 2011 at 3:11 PM

    "You know the policy, Jenkins. All documents must consist entirely of horizontal lines."

    ReplyDelete
  15. smuckNovember 28, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    "Does this snail make me look fat?"

    ReplyDelete
  16. SatireguyNovember 28, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    "Tom, could you help me? I've got a salamander stuck up my nose."

    ReplyDelete
  17. SatireguyNovember 28, 2011 at 5:05 PM

    "Johnson, have you seen the other half of my handlebar?"

    ReplyDelete
  18. boneguyNovember 28, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    This thing is starting to smell rancid. Any idea where they put the moustach-erator?

    ReplyDelete
  19. SatireguyNovember 28, 2011 at 6:43 PM

    "Yes, I may not be able to stop snorting snakes but at least my eyes don't pop out of my head."

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousNovember 28, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    "Clip-on!"

    Ole School

    ReplyDelete
  21. Nell F.November 28, 2011 at 10:36 PM

    "I had the weirdest dream last night; Snidely K. Whiplash gave me a Dirty Sanchez."

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 10:43 PM

    "And in my left pants pocket --- Steel Wool?"

    ReplyDelete
  23. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    "A little autoerotism never fails to convert my Walrus to a Handlebar!"

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dr SumguyNovember 28, 2011 at 10:58 PM

    "Gentlemen! In my hand I hold the male genital organ! ---Which Hand?"

    ReplyDelete
  25. boneguyNovember 28, 2011 at 11:37 PM

    Hi, I'm here to repair the wormhole to the late 19th century.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dr SumguyNovember 29, 2011 at 9:58 AM

    "And in my left pant's pocket, we have ... wait for it ... Steel Wool!"

    ReplyDelete
  27. Tim HNovember 29, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    "When I say that I like moustache wax, it's not a euphemism."

    ReplyDelete
  28. Kathy HNovember 29, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    "I can never get this tie straight with this goddamned moustache in the way!"

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousNovember 29, 2011 at 3:44 PM

    "Yeah, I've got one arm. No, I didn't kill Richard Kimball's wife. How 'bout you?"

    Jim Cavanaugh

    ReplyDelete
  30. AnonymousNovember 29, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    "You shouldn't stare at the screen so long. It's hard on your eyes."

    Jim Cavanaugh

    ReplyDelete
  31. AnonymousNovember 29, 2011 at 6:43 PM

    "Yeah, and monkeys might fly up my nose."

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dr SumguyNovember 29, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    "Houston, we have a Moustach Problem! One of my Friends Moustach is growing only half you can say....The remaining part of face no hairs are growing.He shown to doct and they said that this is due to Mosquito bite....And they are nt able to give solution....Looking for solution Pls help."

    ReplyDelete
  33. Steve_ONovember 29, 2011 at 9:51 PM

    "You should try growing one. It totally deflects attention away from your missing chin."

    ReplyDelete
  34. LRNovember 30, 2011 at 6:16 AM

    "There's a rumor going around that it's me on the receiving end of the glory hole in stall 3- go figure."

    ReplyDelete
  35. Tim HNovember 30, 2011 at 6:38 AM

    [Take Two...]

    "When I say that I like to wax my moustache, it's not a euphemism."

    ReplyDelete
  36. Minny BobNovember 30, 2011 at 8:05 AM

    "Why not Don DeVito?"

    ReplyDelete
  37. Rich LatherNovember 30, 2011 at 9:47 AM

    "Name's Fur-Lippy, a crazy bastard, and I'm fine, thanks."

    ReplyDelete
  38. RLNovember 30, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    "No mustache, Bond? I expect you to try."

    ReplyDelete
  39. RLNovember 30, 2011 at 9:49 AM

    "In Soviet Union, mustache grows you"

    ReplyDelete
  40. NJ-to-TXNovember 30, 2011 at 1:04 PM

    "My kid's math book calls them circle graphs. But they're pie charts, too. You could call them pie graphs. Circle charts sounds weird. And dice - the book calls them number cubes and they can't have dots. Gambling, or something. They use circle graphs with number cube data..."

    ReplyDelete
  41. AWNovember 30, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    "Ted, people keep wiggling their noses every time they see me. You, you just stare straight ahead, so I know you'll tell the truth. What's going on?"

    ReplyDelete
  42. AWNovember 30, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    "It's the Rollie Fingers model."

    ReplyDelete
  43. SatireguyNovember 30, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    "Every time I play with myself at work, I get a horrific nosebleed."

    ReplyDelete
  44. boneguyNovember 30, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    Any messages for me? No?
    How about for my 'stache?

    ReplyDelete
  45. SumotherguyNovember 30, 2011 at 11:24 PM

    "Larry would you go out with me? Would I, Wood Eye! Hairlip! Hairlip! Hairlip!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Angus PodgornyDecember 1, 2011 at 4:33 AM

    "Dude! Your hand is smaller than your nose. What's up with that?"

    ReplyDelete
  47. Angus PodgornyDecember 1, 2011 at 4:34 AM

    "Mine? I vould guess around ten pounds. Vy? How much does your PC vey?"

    ReplyDelete
  48. Angus PodgornyDecember 1, 2011 at 4:35 AM

    "Geez, I can't find my knees."

    ReplyDelete
  49. AnonymousDecember 1, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    "You think this is awesome, you should see my pits."


    ---blw

    ReplyDelete
  50. AnonymousDecember 1, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    "I don't mean to split hairs, but your peace symbol is upside side down."

    ReplyDelete
  51. NJ-to-TXDecember 1, 2011 at 4:45 PM

    "Side effects of pubic hair transplants. Right there - follicle priapism."

    ReplyDelete
  52. Kahn ThestDecember 1, 2011 at 10:06 PM

    "Don't judge me!"

    ReplyDelete
  53. AustinDecember 2, 2011 at 4:29 AM

    Can we talk about that promotion now? I grew the 'stache like you wanted. Are we conducting the oral interview here or in the bathroom?

    ReplyDelete
  54. Tim HDecember 2, 2011 at 8:55 AM

    "Thank God I shaved off that stupid-looking beard!"

    ReplyDelete
  55. AnonymousDecember 2, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    "Chick magnet and an alternative habitat for winter's less fortunate creatures. It's a 'win-win' as far as I'm concerned."


    ---blw

    ReplyDelete
  56. Dr SumguyDecember 2, 2011 at 9:44 PM

    "Charlie Sheen stole my other half!"

    ReplyDelete
  57. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 5:54 AM

    "Do goats have goatees?"

    ReplyDelete
  58. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 5:54 AM

    "Do goats have goatees?"

    ReplyDelete
  59. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    "Do you know why gift wrapping freaks me out, Louie? My coach took me to a wedding shower."

    ReplyDelete
  60. NJ-to-TXDecember 3, 2011 at 6:16 AM

    "I keep my stomach flat by letting it rob me of nutrients. Oh, and I'm bulemic."

    ReplyDelete
  61. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 6:43 AM

    "Have you ever been hypnotized by a mustache?"

    ReplyDelete
  62. Quinn the EskimoDecember 3, 2011 at 6:45 AM

    "In the Southern Hemisphere, they think I am a pessimist."

    ReplyDelete
  63. Dr SumguyDecember 3, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    Half the man I used to be / Maybe that's because / You're the other half of me ... Yo-Yo-Ma

    ReplyDelete
  64. AnonymousDecember 3, 2011 at 8:45 PM

    "It's a cookie duster, and if you've ever had your cookie dusted, you know how painful that can be!"

    -- Dex
    (RIP Steve Allen)

    ReplyDelete
  65. G. Noam ProjectDecember 3, 2011 at 11:32 PM

    I feel as sexy as Gene Shallit!

    ReplyDelete
  66. Steve_ODecember 4, 2011 at 8:36 AM

    "I may be a hirsute hombrero uptown, but it's all Benny Brazilian downtown, if you know what I mean."

    ReplyDelete
  67. Dr SumguyDecember 4, 2011 at 9:15 AM

    "Less chins than a Chinese phone book."

    ReplyDelete
  68. boneguyDecember 4, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    I believe the missing variable is wind speed
    graphed as an anti logrithmic function of the probability of "x" contest being judged.

    ReplyDelete
  69. NJ-to-TXDecember 4, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    "Yeah? Well your eye looks like a white beetle propped up on a bone."

    ReplyDelete
  70. AnonymousDecember 4, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    “Did you hear the good news? The North Pole lockout is over. Alinla’s got all of his elves working again and everything’s back on schedule for Christmas Day! . . . I hope he brings me a nose hair trimmer this year.”


    ---left coast wayne

    ReplyDelete
  71. AnonymousDecember 4, 2011 at 7:58 PM

    "Let me show you what I mean by lickety split."

    ReplyDelete
  72. Richard HDecember 4, 2011 at 8:05 PM

    "Try to jazz it up a little"

    ReplyDelete
  73. UtellmeDecember 4, 2011 at 10:44 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  74. UtellmeDecember 5, 2011 at 5:05 AM

    I've had my breasts removed and my clitoris turned into a makeshift penis, but the testosterone shots only make me grow hair in two places. Guess where the other one is? I'll give you a hint. It looks a LOT like Arnold Horshack.

    Are you listening to me, Washington?

    ReplyDelete
  75. DamonDecember 5, 2011 at 9:33 AM

    "Yeah, we get stuck sometimes. She crab-walks with my head down there until we find scissors."

    ReplyDelete
  76. M. RomneyDecember 5, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    "I'm going for Teddy Roosevelt meets Rollie Fingers, and I've divorced two of my uglier wives. Will I resonate with the American public now?"

    ReplyDelete
  77. RichardDecember 5, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    "The 'stache diverts attention from my perpetual wood."

    ReplyDelete
  78. Tim HDecember 5, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    "Yeah, well, if this barbershop quartet thing doesn't work out, I'm thinking of trying out as shortstop for the New York Mets."

    ReplyDelete
  79. AnonymousDecember 5, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    "No need to go all-Google on me. I'll show you how. It's simple. All you need is time, patience and the carcass of a dead rodent."


    ---blw

    ReplyDelete
  80. Evil MarkDecember 7, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    ...it was the craziest dream. I'm flying through the air and - POW! - I land right on top of the Wicked Witch of the East...

    ReplyDelete
  81. Kathy HDecember 7, 2011 at 3:24 PM

    "Well, since you asked, what I'd really like for Christmas is..."

    ReplyDelete
  82. NJ-to-TXDecember 7, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    "I got a lot of brown swirlies when I was a kid."

    ReplyDelete
  83. SpoonerDecember 10, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    Its all urban cowboys and illegal aliens up in this office today...

    ReplyDelete
  84. SchelleJanuary 1, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    "I really mustache you a question."

    ReplyDelete