The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #304

Note: Maybe the contest is fading or maybe the tourists and irony -impaired have drifted away, but the number of entries fell to fewer than 80 this week. It's low but this matters not to me. I offer this contest as a public service. It is a forum for the rage, frustration and befuddlement we feel when we see a cartoon that calls for a caption that is stupid, racist, overly simplistic or just totally lame. We wade through a lot of muck to find something that is worthy of a cynical smile or a knowing nod. That's what its all about.


WINNERSFIRST PLACE
Upon receiving a call to arms, Myron took everything in his arsenal except the old battle-axe, which had dulled considerably over the years.--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Admittedly this narrative cap has some issues. The "call to arms" part is dumb, "battle-axe" is antiquated, and the name "Myron" is all wrong for this guy. ["Myron" would be be open to negotiations.] But it is very imaginative in a pathetic yet witty way.)
SECOND PLACE"Michael, you hadn't told me that Roger and Me 2 was being co-directed by Michael Bay." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute and far reaching, but way too high brow for us. Still, this would never get a nod from the NYer contest because it is also really fucking stupid playfully absurd.)
THIRD PLACE"Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a club, axe, flame thrower, shotgun, blunderbuss, javelins, bow and arrows, revolver, grenades, boomerang, rifle, and bayonet to a switchblade- harpoon- uzi- sling- brass knuckles- dagger- nunchaku- minigun- taser- lance- pistol- flail- and katana-fight.--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit long winded. In fact I didn't even read the whole thing. But I get the obvious Sean Connery reference. Way too much effort went into this.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS"For Chrissakes, whatever you do, don't open with the bra trick!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A terrible cap redeemed a little by the current-events angle. It included a link to a story about some asshole school official who thought it would be really cool to do a magic trick that made it appear he had pulled the bra off of a woman. [Who apparently was self conscious about her small tits.] Humiliation ensued for every one involved. Kathy no doudt included this as a cautionary tale.)



"Careful! Animal control called to warn you! Lil' Rocky Raccoon is Black Belt Certified in Cunt Few!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls this contest's original directive, which was to spit out the worst possible caption. Congrats.)


Enjoy the Raiders game, dear. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins several caps that suggest the well armed man is headed to a specific destination. Raider fans have a reputation for instilling fear. The team, not so much. Dodger game might have been more accurate.)"Good luck job-hunting, honey."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is very poorly conceived. Metaphorically, he doesn't want to "kill" the job, he wants to capture it and make it his. If HR even suspects you're packing heat they won't hire you.)
"Have fun at your Tea Party meeting." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They're not meetings, they're rallies. And people who frequent them don't go looking for fun, they are looking for a hug, which seldom comes at the point of a gun.)
"Have fun stormin' the castle!"--Cee Kane (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not exactly "We're going to need a bigger boat" not even close to "Leave the gun, take the canoli" but a very memorable movie line. Made my wife laugh so I had to give it props. )
"He hunts just like a woman. But he breaks just like a little girl." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Women hunt with far less weaponry but "Just Like A Woman" is Dylan at his best.)

"Fusillade, you crazy bastard! How late are you going to be home?" --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic but the second half is lame.)

Let's get 'em out of the way:"Christ, what an asshole.""Well, Obama did promise us change.""It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this.""Everyone knows your flamethrower is a clip-on.""The firepower here is obscene." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Entered early and I appreciate the nod to our beloved classics but, sadly, smuck went with quantity over quality and that's too bad. Also where is "Mr. Bond?" And I for one would not have minded if you had brought along a couple of midgets.)

"Honey, you're going about this the wrong way. If you've any hopes of winning this battle, you must do one of the following:1. Make a reverential and, preferably, obscure Dylan reference.2. Mention alinla and his immediate family.3. Do a variation of that 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard...' cartoon (may it rest in peace).4. Say something about the Mets--Smoke Gets Up Your Ass (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a germ of truth here but the Mets are irrelevant and I'd prefer that you not make comments about my family. If you think this is a battle you have lived a sheltered life.)
"He could have been an accountant or a tennis star. But those bastards reduced his combat pay, extended his tour of duty, and cut off his mental health benefits when he got back. Now everybody's asking why he couldn't adjust. Adjust to what? A dream that bust?" --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The tale end quotes from the Dylan song "Clean Cut Kid" it still raises the obvious question: Who the hell is she talking to? )

Honestly al, you could just email Radosh your congratulations.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggest that I have some type of hostility toward the founding father of this contest which could not be further from the truth. It also suggests that I would need an arsenal to take him down when in reality I could snap that skinny little wimp over my knee like a twig. [Just sayin'])
"Well, dear, at least you're doing something today."-- al's wife (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you only knew how far from the truth this is these days your cheeks would have a crimson glow.)
don't take it so personally. He wouldn't know a funny anti-cap if it bit him in the ass.-- badman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So true. So true.)