Monday, July 5, 2010

RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #246



Note: Nice to see that many of you Anti-Cappers deposited your entries here this week. It would seem that Radosh.net has become completely dormant. I am committed to posting the contest here each Sunday night along with winners from the previous week. Below are this weeks winners along with my two cents. (FYI for those too lazy to check: The winners for the previous week's contest [#246], are posted else where on this blog.)



UPDATE: Alright already!! As many of you fussbudgets people have astutely pointed out, they are running the stupid barrel of monkeys cartoon for two freaking weeks. I'll tell you what: consider the winners named here Week-One Winners®."Any worthwhile Anti-Caps posted this week can be named Week-Two Winners®. (Caps making fun of me will not be honored! I'm not kidding this time!) The two top winners will be invited to meet on a roof top somewhere and wrestle in their underwear for the amusement of everyone else. Ultimately, one winner will be named. When the New York staff returns from the Vineyard and posts another cartoon for their pointless yet popular little contest I will do likewise for ours. --al in la

SECOND WEEK WINNERS

WINNER

"So, do you see the monkeys as half alive or completely dead?"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thoughtful and slightly philosophical but also vague. What if the guy hates monkeys?)

SECOND PLACE
"Rhesus Christ, what an asshole!"--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may have inspired by last week's win entry. Even if it is a retread its great word play and a variation on a classic. There are also may be evolution vs. creationist issues. )
HONORALE MENTIONS
"Bet ya didn't know that an anagram for Al in Los Angeles is Anal Ego Illness." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I could not concoct a credible anagram for "anonymous." Fittingly, "Anymouse" is the closest I could come.)

"Doctor Phun. The Fun-meister. Checkin' out the monkeys. Lotta fun. Doctor Funk-n-stein, doin' his fun thang. Baron von Phun, living the life. mort drucker
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The druckster scores with an antiquated cultural reference.)

FIRST WEEK WINNER (WEEK ONE)
Of course they're not whole. You ordered Rhesus Pieces.--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice work Rog. This is by far the best cap you have ever entered. High brow, yet juvenile. Thoughtful, yet completely incomprehensible. Creative, yet somehow really stupid. An Anti Cap classic if there ever was one.)

SECOND PLACE:
Now? Tape a bagel onto your ass and see what happens, I guess.--Jim Cavanaugh Enjoy--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I included two of Jim's cap because they seem to go together. Some girl apes do in fact have the rough equivalent of a catcher's mitt around their privates (sorry to get so technical). So this really is insightful and kind of kinky.)

THIRD PLACE
Here are your summer interns, Mr. Murdoch.Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And like interns, they are willing to work for peanuts. But remember, interns are abused and resented for being young, hard working and ambitious, which is frequently the exact opposite of those doing the abusing and resenting. That's been my experience, anyway.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
This post has been removed by the author. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to pat Johnny on the back for having the foresight to yank what was probably just another one of his lame-ass caps. I knew Johhny was somehow involved in architecture [a brick layer. I'm guessing] and fancies himself a "profit wrangler." Now I know he has at least a modest amount to self restraint. )

"Alone in a studio apartment- one fag. You, me and four gay monkeys- six fags. More fags, more fun!" --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An absolutely absurd riff on the Six Flags slogan that has a hint of truth to it. And LR, you better be a fudge-packer yourself or this is just pathedic queer bashing.)

Your not-so-clever plan to use these monkeys as drug mules failed horribly when, apparently, the dope filled balloons were born prematurely, so to speak, and the monkeys began to throw them at each other causing them to, of course, break, and in that small of a space, fatal overdoses were inevitable. But to answer your question, no, I'm not undercover with the DEA. Oh no, you're in way more trouble than that; I work for PETA! --Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sometimes I think Konnie tries to hard. This is way too long, But I give it props because the concept of a smuggler making monkeys mule coke by feeding them condoms of coke is sheer genius--and monkeys throw their shit. Also, PETA does the metaphorical equivalent when it comes to animal abuse--still they are not as dangerous as the DEA.)

Entertaining at children's parties is the only way Dubya can make a buck now--.Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember, Chimpy said he was going to "refresh the old coffers" by playing county fairs and minstrel shows. I'm sure he gets gigs. Even Carrot Top plays nightly in Vegas. Point is, I miss him like a cyst on my gonads.[W, I mean, not Carrot Top--who I have no beef with] )

Fun simians you crazy bastard! Where the hell do you want them?--CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to encourage the classics. And simian relates to apes and there was something called "Fnn simians" on YouTude [I didn't watch. No time] So thanks, CRC. )

"After the plant explosion, Milton Bradley is leaking almost 40,000 barrels a day." --Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: MB did, in fact, have a game called "Barrel of Monkeys." I remember it well: Players try to create a chain of 12 tiny plastic chimps, but if your father steps on one in his bare feet, into the garbage it goes. This, of course, is the closest thing we have to a BP-bashing cap.)

"Don't look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find."
--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes no sense. Taylor is now in a comfortable home. The damned dirty apes are cooped up in a stinking barrel. Fun fact: Taylor's first name is never spoken during the film but in the closing credits, it says his name is "George." [At least they didn't go with something gutless like "Anonymous."])

"Did you ever seen a barrel of monkeys...on weed?
3 hours and 20 minutes later:
[Er..."Did you ever see..." No, al, I'm not high.]
--Enhancement Smoker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Um...sure...dude. Of course, you're not. So...you up for a Taco Bell run?)

If you give them all typewriters and enough time they'll eventually come up with the results of last week's anti-cap contest.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted on Mon morning at 7:22 West Coast time (which is where I happen to live). The take-away: Jim is a very impatient man who occasionally yeilds half-way decent caps. [But not always] Most important this contest is very, very important to him.)

"Hey Al, some anti-cappers got together and sent you this gift to make up for the persistent ridicule you seemed so sensitive about. The note here says the gift is supposed to inspire some good-natured pandemonium in your LA abode. Unfortunately the monkeys died en route."
-- Richard Hine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As did the humor value of your caps. I am not sensitive to ridicule. It's the lame stupid caps that are annoying [I don't mean to hit a nerve.]


"This is no fun. Where are my fuckin' monkeys?" Satireguy
July 11, 2010 8:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this lazy-ass, unfunny cap [and the time it was posted] only to show that I considered all the caps posted until Sunday night at 8:11 pm, Eastern Time. So, Satireguy, consider yourself considered. Next week, I suggest you post earlier and funnier.)


152 comments:

Anonymous said...

"We already shot them."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Of course they're not whole. You ordered Rhesus Pieces.

Roger Kaputnik

Anonymous said...

It's what screwing your wife was more fun than.

Optimus Sub-Prime

Anonymous said...

It's not as original as, say, a bushel of Beetles.

Lindsay Lovelace

Anonymous said...

Only the really high-end stuff comes individually packaged. Like your Leeza Gibbons, Barbara Mandrills...

Thor Harris

JohnnyB said...

We moved it from radosh.net, but, you're right, the fun seems to have gone out of it.

JohnnyB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JohnnyB said...

What did you expect? They couldn't possibly have survived a trip here from Africa, sealed up in a barrel like that.

JohnnyB said...

Here's your Cliche of the Month Club delivery. Last month's sliced bread was more fun, but this is the best thing since then.

Anonymous said...

I know you wanted fish in a barrel, but these ought to be plenty easy to shoot.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Entertaining at children's parties is the only way Dubya can make a buck now.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"The Marx brothers were in it, but they're all dead now."

Wile E. Chipotle said...

"I dunno, Mr. Waters, it's going to be pretty tough to top that chicken scene in Pink Flamingos..."

Wile E. Chipotle said...

Now out on DVD, Bizarre Foods: The Garage Years.

See how Andrew develops a taste for exotic, endangered, and disgusting foods and how his insatiable appetite transforms him into the epic glutton we all know and love.

Special bonus feature, The Other End of Andrew.

Ever wonder what happens to Andrew the day after? Over 30 minutes of repugnant footage will leave you wishing you hadn't.

Anonymous said...

"You don't have to tip me; the guys and I helped ourselves to some of your blow here back at the warehouse."

--Jared S.

Anonymous said...

If you give them all typewriters and enough time they'll eventually come up with the results of last week's anti-cap contest.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Well, the typewriter thing didn't work. All they produced was J.D's web site.

Monkey's Uncle

JohnnyB said...

Comment, not a caption:
I doubt it will get much better than "Rhesus Pieces"

Anonymous said...

"It's just a little token of appreciation from all the anti-cappers for your efforts, al. Just don't let the Mrs. catch you using it [wink, wink]."

Anonymous said...

Christ, al, wait 'til I leave before you start spanking it.

LV said...

"Monsieur, would you sign for your new extra-jumbo key caddy, s'il vous plait?"

Anonymous said...

“I’ve got one more that says BALLS, al.”

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Hey, pal, I know nothin' about human trafficking, but I'd nail her before she expires."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"I assume he'll be grinding your organ before I reach the elevator."

Anonymous said...

“I know Jack Daniels. Jack is a friend. You obviously don't know Jack.”

Rob

Anonymous said...

[This is a test. For the next seven days, this website will conduct a test of the Emergency Anti-Cap Submission System. This is only a test.]

Anonymous said...

Testing 1 2 3. Oh, thank God!

Anonymous said...

"Nope, no Contest 245 Andy Capp winners in here."

Anonymous said...

"Hey, where's your yellow hat? Oh, and you're in luck...meet Bi-Curious George!"

Steve_O said...

"They died in transit. Have fun."

Anonymous said...

we routed them over the Niagara and they seem a little worse for wear. Did you get the insurance?

Ashen Dockworker said...

I told 'em to keep a lid on it but this is what happens when you work with fuckin' foreigners.

Anonymous said...

"If you think this is disappointing wait until your Sea Monkeys arrive."
-TG

Anonymous said...

"Hey, man, I've been doing this for a while and the one thing I've learned is it's always worth it to pay extra for the gibbons."
-TG

Anonymous said...

"Actually, it's strange, people outside the business don't realize the full expression is 'More fun than scraping the bottom of a barrel of monkeys' and it's kind of one of them understatement type things."

Anonymous said...

[whoops, that was me there with the understatement]
-TG

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, well, these days everything is shrink-wrapped, too."
-TG

Grandma said...

"After the plant explosion, Milton Bradley is leaking almost 40,000 barrels a day."

George T. said...

"Star Trek XV: Retired and bored, Captain Kirk gets himself a pet monkey...to spank."

Anonymous said...

"Mr. Mumy!? We found Debbie!"

Anonymous said...

That's $325 shipping and handling; cash on the barrelhead, of course.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"Well, I guess you should have specified air holes." -cta

Anonymous said...

"We had to split your order. The second shipment is coming later this afternoon with Peter Tork and Davy Jones. And Michael Nesmith's left arm." -cta

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't see no evil? Bet you smell some, though!"

Anonymous said...

"Of course it's empty. No one is allowed to have that much fun."

-blw

Richard Hine said...

"Could you also sign for the container full of invisible bananas that I've left on the street?"

Richard Hine said...

"The monkeys are sold separately, douchebag."

Anonymous said...

"I know I agreed to some role playing, Henry, but where exactly is this going?"

Anonymous said...

"I was expecting these to come today."
-Brian

Anonymous said...

"When I asked for a link to small arms this is what I had in mind."

Anonymous said...

"Don't look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find."

Anonymous said...

"I see the little monkeys are holding little retarded captions pertaining to Mr. McGaugh again, Mr. Bond."

Anonymous said...

"My great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Grandfather smells really bad, Mr. Bond."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, you have the wrong address. This is addressed to Radosh.net."

Anonymous said...

"They told me this would be delivered in a plain brown envelope."

Anonymous said...

NOTE to al in la: The last 5 post by Anonymous where by me, Roger McGaugh. Thanks. : )

Anonymous said...

Correction: The previous 5 captions including my last note and this one:

"When I asked for a link to small arms this is what I had in mind."

Roger McGaugh

Now that's a winner!

Anonymous said...

"Correction: Damn!

"When I asked for a link to Small Arms this isn't what I had in mind."

FU: haters

Anonymous said...

I had a god-awful time getting them up here; I have small arms.

alinla said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeDe said...

"So are you gonna tip me, or...."

Anonymous said...

"You're not A. Cooper? Damn, those frat boys are at it again!"

Anonymous said...

"If it fits it shits."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"I want $500 now or you're getting both barrels."

Rob

boneguy said...

I think the guy who returned your keys was French, sir.

Ashen Dockworker said...

Judging by all the screaming earlier, it was either a barrel of fun or they died in incredible agony.

Anonymous said...

"Why do you look so confused? It's your order from Spank_Macaque.Com. Enjoy!" -cta

Ashen Dockworker said...

— or—

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die, and THEN I'll stuff you in it.

Anonymous said...

It's 105 degrees out; 130 in my truck. What the fuck did you expect?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Enjoy

Jim Cavanaugh

Ashen Dockworker said...

Your not-so-clever plan to use these monkeys as drug mules failed horribly when, apparently, the dope filled balloons were born prematurely, so to speak, and the monkeys began to throw them at each other causing them to, of course, break, and in that small of a space, fatal overdoses were inevitable. But to answer your question, no, I'm not undercover with the DEA. Oh no, you're in way more trouble than that; I work for PETA!

Anonymous said...

Here are your summer interns, Mr. Murdoch.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

It's still leaking. al and his crew have been trying all week to put a cap on it.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

What do you want with a barrel of monkeyshit?

alinla said...

JUDGES NOTE: SOME OF THESE CAPS DON'T REALLY SUCK THAT MUCH AT ALL. THANKS EVERYONE!

BUT PLEASE REMEMBER TO ADD YOUR NAME OR AT LEAST SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN "ANONYMOUS."--al in la

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, well, next time you order by the barrel make sure it's Houdini."

Rob

Scatman Cr. said...

All complaints must go through our website. Let me give you the Lancelot Link.

Bubbles said...

"alinla, it's a barrel of monkeyshit from an incontinent Roger Macaque. By the way, you can touch macaque if you feel like it. Thanks everyone, I'm here all week"

Anonymous said...

“Are you telling me that you’re not the monkeys’ uncle?”

--blw

Anonymous said...

"Here you go, Mr. Tarzan, and I'll just need you to sign for these cremated remains of your parents." -cta

Anonymous said...

“See, I knew you’d be curious, George.”

--blw

Joshua said...

"Hop in."

Satireguy said...

"It's fun, sure, but apparently a lot more fun if it's filled with monkeys."

Satireguy said...

"It's fun, sure, but apparently it's a whole lot more fun when it's filled with monkeys."

Joshua said...

"Dat is beauty of plan, comrade. American Customs is never opening monkey barrel."

Joshua said...

"Dat is beauty of plan, comrade. American Customs is never opening monkey barrel."

Mon chi chi said...

"I don't know what it is about you apartment dwellers...you just can't seem to get enough monkey puss."

Anonymous said...

Ah, my keg of LEMON KEYSTONE beer has arrived!

- Actually Anonymous

Enhancement Smoker said...

"Did you ever seen a barrel of monkeys...on weed?

Enhancement Smoker said...

[Er..."Did you ever see..." No, al, I'm not high.]

Rex R. said...

"You don't understand, Spritel, that IS Chim-Chim."

Anonymous said...

"For last week's winner go here." (points to the ether)

Anonymous said...

"These aren't the cercopithecoids you're looking for."
Brian L

andy said...

“Outside noisy, inside empty”

andy said...

“Outside noisy, inside empty”

Anonymous said...

"Your keys have got to be in there somewhere, Mon."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Yo, al! You do know this is a 2 weeker, right?

AW said...

The Day Walt Disney decided to use animatronics for the Jungle Cruise.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what's ailing him, al. Anonymous seems to think he's a tweaker or something.

CRC

Anonymous said...

"It was like shooting Bush as a feral."

Rob

Sam Monkey said...

SPOILER ALERT!
The Monkey in the Rocket II: Bam's Story
After a long career as a Space Monkey(the chiquita deal,Banana republic sponsorship,NASA hero monkey starlet pussy et al.) I finally found out what became of my old pal Bam.

Satireguy said...

"The monkeys applied for refugee status."

J Goodall said...

'Sup Monkeyphile!?!?

NJ-to-TX said...

"Do you have a space-time continuum tracking number?"

Anonymous said...

"I know it says Monkeys, but it's really 'Paul, The Octopus.'"

Tim H

Anonymous said...

"She wants a banana and an organ grinder."

Richard Hine said...

"Hey Al, some anti-cappers got together and sent you this gift to make up for the persistent ridicule you seemed so sensitive about. The note here says the gift is supposed to inspire some good-natured pandemonium in your LA abode. Unfortunately the monkeys died en route."

Anonymous said...

Those monkeys are not dead, just
suffering from chronic laziness.


Andy Nonimus

JohnnyB said...

As anonymous wrote in a horribly unfunny entry
"Yo, al! You do know this is a 2 weeker, right?"
I hope Al spends all week huddled by his computer waiting for the new NYer cartoon.
In hindsight, I wish I'd had the foresight to remove that before I wrote it.

Satireguy said...

Dear Mr. la:
Since the current issue of The New Yorker covers two weeks rather than the usual one, there won't be a new cartoon until next Monday. Thought you might like to know.

Anonymous said...

Hey AL, you judged the wrong contest. 246 goes another week. 245 is waiting patiently.

Anonymous said...

al

The monkeys at typewriters cap was not meant to disparage your tardiness posting the results of last weeks contest; just a riff on the old notion that given enough time they would churn out the complete works of Shakespeare or write the Bible. Kind of makes you ponder infinity and all.


The bagel on the butt cap was inspired by (actually stolen from) a dearly departed friend and co-worker who died way too young from brain cancer a few years ago. I dedicate my second place finish (which I understand is equal to a win in the "real" contest) to his memory.

JC

Anonymous said...

Wait, wait. You mean monkeys didn't write the Bible??

Tim H

Ashen Dockworker said...

Of course it's empty, al! You didn't think I would allow you to live after that "Konnie" crack, did you?

Anonymous said...

"I don't care if you're not ready, Steve, put a lid on it! I need to roll out the barrell."
-TG

Anonymous said...

"Never seen a monkey rape a terrier before? Huh. Then again, I guess I've never seen a TPS report."
-TG

Anonymous said...

"Yes. Well, I've narrowed it down. It's either dead monkeys or Mel Gibson's career."

Tim H

Anonymous said...

"Like I keep telling them back at the depot: You gotta deliver these suckers within one week; two weeks and all you end up with is monkey mash."

Kathy H

Anonymous said...

"I don't know about monkeys, but have you ever noticed that you never see al in la (http://tinyurl.com/36sml3f) and Ken Burns (http://tinyurl.com/2uz46dp) in the same room at the same time?"

Kathy H

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes if you prod Mel Gibson in just a certain way, he'll actually start biting Roman Polanski. It's hilarious."


Lisa

Richard H said...

"I need a signature, please."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Since you have a better idea, what would you write on a barrel full of kiddie porn?"

Gary P said...

"Ok, professor, I get that they were all infected with full-blown AIDS. Is that a problem?"

mort drucker said...

Their DNA is 99% identical to ours. I guess that 1% justifies your sickening cruelty. Have fun.

mort drucker said...

"Speechless? So are they. But it took awhile."

mort drucker said...

Ok, just sign next to 'Gourmet Wholesale.'
I'll bring in the complimentary loaf of bread and spatula when your charge is approved.

Walt said...

Didn't you get our courtesy email saying you better get ready, they may be comin' to your town?

Anonymous said...

It stinks like hell. They've been "producing content" in there for several days.

Jim Cavanaugh

Gary P said...

"I agree. Pretty idiotic way to ship 100 sea monkeys."

Ashen Dockworker said...

Dude, you're trying way too hard! Just do what everyone else is doing; scrape some shit off the bottom and post it.

Anonymous said...

Touche, Connie

Anonymous said...

"What?! Well, you know what they say, one rotten one spoils the barrel. I think that applies to apples, too." -cta

mort drucker said...

"Doctor Phun. The Fun-meister. Checkin' out the monkeys. Lotta fun. Doctor Funk-n-stein, doin' his fun thang. Baron von Phun, living the life.

100th Monkey said...

"Here's your 101st monkey. Monkey no washa the food; Monkey die!

Anonymous said...

"Bet ya didn't know that an anagram for Al in Los Angeles is Anal Ego Illness."

Ashen Dockworker said...

They musta forgot to mention that we don't ship whiskey; monkeys on the other hand, totally doable, and more fun besides. Have a nice day!

Ashen Dockworker said...

Expiration dates are more like... suggestions really...
Anyway, monkey is better when aged... you know, like Kobe's beef?

Anonymous said...

"So, do you see the monkeys as half alive or completely dead?"

Rob

Gary P said...

"Darwin award to whoever thought they'd arrive alive."

Anonymous said...

"See, they thought that a monkey wrench had nothing to do with monkeys and was invented by Charles Moncky in 1858. But they found a wrench labeled a monkey wrench in an 1840s catalogue. So figure that one out."

Anonymous said...

"The bubble wrap is so they won't break."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Of course they're not whole. You ordered Drill bits.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"D.B. Cooper was a self made man."

Ashen Dockworker said...

You know we can't accept live animals for shipment; you're gonna have to kill them.

Anonymous said...

"Here are you female monkeys, Doctor. Have fun in your attempt to artificially in-siminian-ate them." -cta

DarqueKritik said...

They were like that when I found 'em.

DarqueKritik said...

They were like that when I found 'em

DarqueKritik said...

Which one is Davey Jones?

DarqueKritik said...

When I said, "Ground", thats not what I meant.

DarqueKritik said...

You know its great dope,when.....number 9.

DarqueKritik said...

You know its time to quit when.......number 4.

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.